What I've been saying lately

I was commenting on someone else blog the other day and I wrote this about myself and I thought I would like to share it here with you guys:

"I am a fat woman, I have had gastric bypass and now weight in at 135-140lbs.... but in my head I'm still a fat woman that weight 324lbs. I still feel more comfortable with the fat people then I do with the "normal" eaters, I still can't bear to hear people talk about their extra 20lbs as if they are obese. I still look at the TV stars and wonder why people find those anorexic looking people to be so beuatiful. 2yrs I have lived in a body that I don't know, that doesn't look real to me, but is the body that everyone else sees. Inside I'm still the fat girl and therefore outside of a certain acceptance that normal people have."

and this:

"do know how people act about my weight loss, even when they know I have health problem after health problem and hospitalaion after hospitalaion. They all want me to be "happy" and grateful and just be positive... and it s**ks because I'm dealing with all this crap and there doesn't seem to be much happy about it. It is different then you, but it sounds like it makes me feel the same towards those people... like smackin' across the back of their head and tellin' them to wake up and see the reality."

There are so many things that I can say about the gastric bypass and almost all of them are bad and I am really very tired of pretending it is any different. When I was fat ... I would look in the mirror and see a nice looking woman that was sort of chubby... that wasn't reality either... but now I look in mirror and I am looking at the face of a stranger. I do not look like I did when I was younger and weight this much.... I don't look like anyone in my family, I look decidedly odd to me. There has not been any gifts or blessing from having this done to my body. It totally freaked me out to go shopping the first time... It was not like a fun freak out it was terrifying. And now ... it is a little bit better.... but it is very hard. I can barely stand to meet people anymore because the whole time I'm wondering if they know me from my other life as a fatty or not... and if they ask how are you doing ... I don't know if I should tell them. It is painful. I don't want to talk about my medical life to everyone... but I don't know what else to talk about. And everyone wants to do things around food.... and I so don't. I try and be nice and go along with it... but it is hell (not with you mom and J.... you get it so don't think I'm talking about you). But if people know about the operation they are all watching me freaking eating... and then waiting to see if I get sick... do you know how bad that is for someone that is slightly paranoid as it is?!?! Someone that already has food issues and problems around food?!? Jeesh... and I know, oh I know I donna have it as bad as some people do.... but I feel so overwhelmingly guilty because I choose this... I mean I signed up for it I did it ALL ME..... it isn't like this was an act of G*D it was an act of me.

Well... glad I got that off my chest... hope that didn't bum anyone out to much.

Feeling Good

Hey folks, I'm feeling pretty good if a bit tired. It is somewhat disturbing to know that I'm a pain regiment that is equal to a cancer patient. I mean WOW..... I knew that the light meds were not taking care of things.... but I didn't realize how much I needed to get my pain lvl down (not all the way gone just down), but I actually have hrs where I feel almost normal. I feel a strong sense of terror when I think about how venerable I am to losing my medical coverage at this point. I would have a lot of pain to deal with plus I would now be sick sick from withdrawal. I'm so use to being stronger then life... LOL... but ummm guess not so much in reality. I am trying to both come to terms with being disabled without loosing hope that I will get better. It is really hard when I still don't know what else is going on to cause the pain. I'm still in limbo as far as some of the stuff goes... and I will stay in limbo for a bit.... I have a diagnoses thing on the 7th.... where I will be asseted for going back to work and hopefully that will answer some of my bigger questions but it may not. I'm sort of wishing that I had some type of group thing to go to and talk to people but I'm told I'm still not ready for that.... and I'm really not... I can't even sit up in an upright chair for more then 15-20min. and long car rides tend to make me nausea (guessing the drugs help with that). I am walking tho'! And really getting better and better at it. I almost look normal walking as long as no one sees me try and get up and get started. Of course I feel foolish when people think that I can lift a bag or follow them at anything more then a crawl.... still don't know if I should explain or not....

Yesterday I was all sorts of sad mostly because I wanted to go hang out with my mom but just knew it would be too much and that I wasn't ready. I wanted to be well enough for just that and I was real sad that I wasn't. But today I'm doing pretty good.... hehehehe it helps that they got Libby, and that supreme court nomiee got shot down....

Happy birthday to me!

I am the ripe old age of 35 now. Somehow I have muddle thru' good and bad to make it here. It is quiet a bit further then most people thought I would, in distance, time, and financially security. I was one of "those" kids in my teens, part of the bad crowd ... the ones that parents did not want their kids to be hanging out with, heck I was part of the leadership of that bad crowd.. tho' I like to think I was it's conscience. Yet my own mother imparted upon me dreams and goals that were far above my "station" in life, perhaps that was the greatest gift any human being can give another. Now I find myself surrounded by people who give care and love while I take on another fight. I find myself so happy that I did not listen to the lies that depression has told me, and that I fought to survive both myself and my circumstances. It is a good day, a good day to live and breath and be here.

Love you all.

The panic of time

I have been really trying not to feel anxious.... but I'm on the edge of a compleat panic attack and have been feeling this way for a day or more. I'm sure some of it has to do with the rolling of drugs..... as it wears off the pain increases I have to decide if I wait it out or take something inbetween... and some of it is the pressure I am feeling to get better. I mean everyone (including me) is hopeing that this operation fixed everything and that I will be out of pain and back to work etc. And they keep asking me how I feel and I can't help but feel the implied question behind it.... are you really well? are you gonna get all the way well? Me, wanting to make everyone happy, wanting so much for the answer to be yes just for myself...... I just donno what to say. I guess part of it all right now is that I just got off the phone with my doctor and she had to put a date down for paperwork for me to return to work.... and I know that the date can be changed and stuff but I just felt so overwhelmed and so afraid ..... I mean I still hurt quite a bit and to think of going back.... I just felt so scared... she put the date down as Nov. 14th. Which is still a long time away.... but I'm just ..... I feel like what if I fail? What if they think I can but I don't think I can? I should so not be worrying about this.... I so got to relax instead of ripping myself to shreds with self doubt.

Getting better

These hard meds really are begining to make me feel better AND I'm not feeling as stoned on them... just like everyone said I just didn't beleive. Not to say that during the first few hrs of them I'm not still wonked to the gills, just saying that there are places in the day where I'm not in horrible pain AND I get to think as well. I can't tell you what a relief even a few moments of clarity without pain make me feel, I cried like a baby when it happened. I know that every day I spend on these meds will excated it's price come dose down day, and while everyone is really cool with the whole "I'll be there for you" stuff, I wish they wouldn't say that, I mean they will wittness it but it is something that you do alone or with G*d........ and if you fail? If you don't succed at dosing down and begin to use street drugs? Ain't no one gonna stick with you thru' that.... they can't even if they really want to. Of course I'm gonna win so that is that, no worries at all.

Yesterday I got to go to the new mall and look around. I move like a little old lady with out her walker. HA you can see all the youngin's avoid me like I got the plague! Which is ok by me. I can't yet walk, talk, and breath at the same time. I also have one more week before my flu shot kicks in.... I can't tell you how weird it is to be put in the same catogory as ppl over 65 or having immune system problems. But everyone seems to agree, coughing and throwing up could really hurt the barely repaired stomach mucsles. Basically it isn't the flu that I can't fight off but the side effects of the side effects could be mucho dangerous.

Well I'm off to go skip around the internet and see what everyone is up to! Peace!

Oh so stoned am I

The pain clinic doctor wants me on the oxycodine stuff..... yes that stuff that you hear on the news that is so addictive because it is basically heroin in pill form. She wants me on it now so that I can start to cut back on the stuff that is acetimphene based and because she feels I will be on something long term. She also has me journaling my pain. This will help them weeks from now when they begin to try and assess how they can best help me and what therapies are gonna work. I am so so stoned. And of course I thought that I could just shift meds and be ok, but no I have to still take them both for now and hopefully by the end of the week (maybe much sooner) only be on the one. I am afraid. I'm so scared. I called my father because he has actually done a lot with injured workers and takes pain meds himself and he is good at this one little part of my life. LOL, well.... he is. I think it is because it is the only place he and I can go that doesn't get us all trapped in the past.

Still can't sit up long enough to play my game. BUT I am trying to catch up on all my blogging buddies. Working on a poem to share with you all soon but it is hard to work thru' the miasma that is in my brain right now.

Back!

Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed you all so much!! The surgery was ok very very painful.... I think the body gives me more pain every time that they have to cut into that muscle as if to say "don't do this ever again!!" There was a slight scary part to my recovery as my blood pressure which is low to begin with shot down to 76/35 and they thought I might be bleeding inside. But instead it was just my wacko blood pressure problem and it righted itself to a "normal"86/44. I am currantly sitting at my mom's house because no one wanted to leave me alone while J. was at work........... :) It took me a long time for the pain to get down to where they could send me home, which met that I was throughly tired of being in that place. I'm still on some pretty good meds. but I hope not for long. Well I can't stay sitting up for very long so that is it for now!!

Peace to you!

Successful surgery

I am J., the spouse of Achromic.

I have been instructed to let all of the Achromic on the run readers/friends know how the surgery went. So far, it has been a complete success. The biggest thing I marveled at was how much more awake and aware she was immediately following the surgery than on her previous trips under the knife. We had her up walking around a little bit this evening. It hurt her, but she did good.

As I'm not a physician, I have nothing more of any value to report on her condition, other than to be thankful that her emotional and spiritual condition are good, due in large part to you guys rooting for her.

I'm under orders to keep you guys posted if anything changes.

Have a good day, J. (This is the first time in my life I've ever referred to myself as J., but that seems to be my name around here)

LoL as if we would fight about an ipod

of course J. was not mad at me, and although we fussed alittle bit at each other due to nerves it wasn't bad at all. Dawn has yet to touch the ground here and I am up because I had to take a round of meds right excatly at this time to prepare myself for surgery. Ok I'm really scared that I'm not gonna make it this time. Each time my body has seemed to hate come back out a little bit more. I wouldn't mind dieing so much only I love my hubby so much that I really don't want to go. I also have all this poetry....... I always met to get it together and self publish for my friends and family at the very least. Some of it is actually really good! No really, it is. I talk about the war, and about subjects close to my heart some politcal some personal. It seems like such a waste... and then there was this kids story I met to write..... but I just never got around to it. It was for Gabbies kids but then they went and grew up and LOL they were boys...... all my friends going around having boy babies! I wish .......... ah well there is dawn....... and a yelling cat at my feet.... and all the wishing in the world won't give me more time. I will be back! I'm gonna be alive and I'm gonna be ok! I love you all, even with spam! And don't forget my idea down below! I want those kids taken care of darnit! Make sure you guys keep talking to people an idea can only die when no one cares.

-ok I havn't even left and I want to be home

I updated Itunes so that I could play with the ipod shuffle and some cool stuff to listen to while in the hospital...... ummm I broke it.... won't open, won't download the new quicktime it just is compleatly F up! Darnit. I still have to pack. I still have to make a list of no. of people to call when I wake up or if I die. My mom is somewhere but I don't know where and she wanted me to help in rescueing a mouse that she found on the sidewalk tonight..... but I can't because I got to go the hosipital tommorwo and I can't risk any zoonitic desised mouse. I'm so tired and I hurt because it is getting close to time for me to take my meds. In case you were wondering.... I hurt like hell. I hurt like someone is stabing me over and over again with a very small but sharp knife in many areas of my body or like there is a peice of broken glass inside of me turning round and round and ripping my insides into shreads. The only time I don't hurt is when I'm so stoned I can't think and then I wouldn't say that I didn't hurt as much as I would say the pain is very far away. Right now it is up close to my face jumping up and down. I'm so not ok. And now when J. gets home the last thing we are gonna fight about is this stupid ipod thing...... what if I die and he forgets all the good stuff we had because we were fighting about an ipod? What if that is all he remembers? I hate it when my meds wear off and I'm in pain , I'm such a freaking basket case.

an idea to share

Nothing I write is copywrited nor is this idea of mine. If you can make it work great and if you want to call it yours fine, I don't care, if you can make a slight profite off of it, you go for it.

Here is the thing that I've been thinking about, I play this game made by blizzard called World of Warcraft. One of the cool things about it is that it is on line real time gaming communty. I love it. I love the people I met there. While I've been sick they have given me much love and support. It has been so cool to have a charater that can get up and walk, run, jump, play when I could not. I got to join Guild of likeminded people to play with, we share intrest and support each other and teach each other new things. The other night I was thinking...... there are all these sick kids in childrens wards all over. What if there was something that could be made like this for them? It would have to be more child friendly of course and be more mondrated to keep sickos out. But it could offer such fun and joy to kids that have nothing.... sometimes more then nothing. It could be run like something between Halo and WOW but be for kids. It could have lvl's according to age that only a doctor or parent could put in. It could have quest, and adventures, but also allow for chating and talking. It could be something that was limited only for these kids. A psychologist could maybe offer some idea's on things that would/could help certian age groups. I donno, I don't have much strength to actually do anything with this idea so I wanted to give it to you my bloggers, even if you don't have any idea with what to do with it, if you talk to someone else about it and they talk to someone else about it......... maybe someone who can and does have the knowlegde and power can do something and then those kids would have something good and that is all that I care about. The thought that we could connect these kids up to each other is one that I think has great merit not to mention the joy of adventureing together.... I can't give them the abitly to ride a bike or go out and play..... but maybe someone out there can make them feel like they are doing it, if only for alittle bit.

We are such geeks

So there are like a million things that I needed to do today to prepare for the surgery right? And both J. and I are scared to death and stressed about how this is all gonna turn out. SO of course we are gonna fight and I say to him the beginning of the day "hey hun I know we are gonna fight I will try and keep it civil if you do?" and so when we fight do you know what we fight about? Go on guess..... bills?no time? no housework? no........ ummm the relevance of Shakespeare in English lit.? YES! how did you guess? I kid you not. LOL fortunately we did stay relatively civil (as usually he always is, it is me that real has that problem). BTW I was saying it was and he was saying it was not, just incase you really wanted to know. SO funny and I just had to share it. Now you know why all of our friends think we are the weird family but awful nice... because believe it or not this is actually a regular fight that we have... yes the one about Shakespeare........ and LOL when is the last time you fought with your spouse about that?? Right.... and all of our fights are like that. We will rant and rave about applying the first amendment, BIG HUGE fights about that... LOL... and oo all sorts of things. What is the funniest thing you guys have ever fought with someone about?

I have 3 nipples!

LOL well.......... at least that is one of the wired things that my surgeon told me the other day. I never noticed I just thought it was a mole and I'm sure everyone else did to but she pointed it out while doing a breast exam that no, it was a third nipple. HA! Well, that was more information then you wanted to know I'm sure. (and now I just notice that I made it sound like I've shown a lot more booby then I actually ever have) Two post back to back about boobies! Sure to up my hits on goggle!

Which is the perfect time to start my political rants and ravings! I start you off with this article here:

Does religion correlate with social dysfunction?

I of course immediately want to say YES! but that would be the quick answer biased on my own prejudices. I think when you really look at this study what you will find is that when you mix religion with certain charismatic leaders and combine that with the idea that sin is unlawful that is when you begin with dangerous problems. When a society decides that the government is also in charge of social engineering and taking care of it's young that is begins a corruption of power. The power to speak with G*ds voice has always been an elixir that the politicains have sought that does not make religion in and of itself a bad thing. What makes religion dangerous is that it is so often used by people as a way for them to stop thinking. Yes it is. AND it is understandable, when you are the rat race of surviving it is easy to want that clear path to G*d, to want to know that you have been heard, to be reassured and comforted, and if in return that means that you have to support someone else so that you can live your life the way you want to? well at first this seems like a small price to pay. The greater part of a pop. does not want to work on their relationship with G*d, they want someone else to do it. That person who spends their time on the relationship with G*d is then suppose to guild their people to him, much like an explore will return to his people with a path to safety. King David wrote "the lord is my Shepard I shall not want" in one of the most famous verses of Psalms. I do not think this was a call for us to act like sheep! If I was gonna point out the one thing that I thought all the religous books and materials I have read had in commen it was a plea for us to do our own work in our relationship with G*d. To not trust those who say they have had visions or heard from G*d but to seek out some sort of spritualty within ourselves to reach out to that something out there. And when you are busy doing this you will find little time to judge others actions and you will see that laws can be compassionate but that justice will always be carpicaous for it is not a higher power but only human thing.

WOW this is a great calender

Hey folks while noodleing around I found a great calender for those of you that are ok with boobs done in artistic ways and like to donate to a good cause here: Breast of Canada

Thanks Gawdessness for the heads up once again! I personally always try to support medical research!

I introduce you to my spouse

J. will be taking over this blog when I go into the hospital as I realize that some of you will want updates on how I am doing. So he will at the very least come on and say I woke up and stuff like that. I doubt you will get any long post out of him as he can be quiet shy and I don't think that he quiet understands why anyone would ever in their whole lives open up this much to the world. It just shows how different we can be. Some of my gaming friends have been invited to this blog as well (ok well one gaming friend but you never know maybe one day I will invite more). So now I really got a mess of different people checking in. If J. does decide to start a political debate here, and he is more then welcome to because goodness knows that would get me wanting to come back and read what was being said, then I implore you all, fight as much as you want but lets keep it civil (even if that is as cold as hell). To give a brief description of my hubby as I know him. He is the kindness most gentle person I have ever met. I love him more every year that I am with him. He is very book smart, which annoys me a little bit because I'm jealouse. He has no directional sense what so ever so he gets lost easily which always bugs me to because of course I always know "where" I am with in a few seconds of being asked and can always find my way home if I have lived there for more then a week, often less. He is hot, lol, well I think he is, but what I mean is his body temp is always hot and I am forever cold. J. has made my life fun, and joyful, even as sick as I am he finds ways to bring joy into my life. I love him, and I only wish that other couples find the same happiness that I share with him.

Surgery is schedule for the afternoon on Mon. not sure of the excat time yet. I am terrified beyond belief, there is a child inside of me screaming in a tantrum, banging it's head against a wall, crying horribly, threating dire consquense, that I must constantly tell to SHUT UP! I have probably cried more this week then I have in a long time. I'm ok with that, the drugs and the fear, you know make that happen and they say that crying is a stress reliever. I miss everyone already and I haven't even gone anywhere but I know that when I'm in the hospital I will be to far gone to remember to miss anyone so I might as well do it now. I really hope I get back here fast. I really hope I'm well this time.

It's cheesy

Yep so, I have been to see a plethora of them there doctor types. Some good news and some bad news. Good news first. The chronic pain specialist is very hopeful that no matter what they can at the very least improve my lvl of pain and help me get back to some thing close to normal.... although weither I will be able to do my job which is fairly physical is still up in the air. I asked for a diagnoses of my pain (so I would know what to call it besides a hernia as that did not seem to include everything that was going on) and she said something close to systematic pain at the surgical insion site some of which seems to be because the fashell (sp) was bundled up "like saranwrap". She said that they wanted to stop the pain from "centralization" which as far as I could make out met that she want to stop the brain from deciding to get stimulation of pain from that area so that it couldn't diffreniant pain that is important from anything else that might be happening to my body. To do this she was gonna up my lvl of pain med while I'm in the hospital. Then send me home on what I'm on now, if then in 4 wks I'm still in pain and on the pain meds I will call her and we will start planning for a reevaluation of why I'm in pain and also the therapies that will be involed in trying to teach me both how to deal with the pain and in teaching my body how to resignal the pain.

The bad news, came from the surgeon.... seems like she could feel the hernia in a different place then last week.... thinks that could be because my muscle is like "swiss cheese". Basically some of the pain that I am feeling could be because I'm getting new tears all the time... nice. She also kept stressing that the surgery may not take care of any pain. I think tho' that was mostly so I would be prepared for that if it doesn't happen and I am. Very much am, I have already in my heart given up my job, and am beginning to accept that I maybe out of work for a long time. She is hopeful that this time they will be able to insert the mesh that they did not do last time.... I'm not as hopeful about that, seems to me that I defy all the surgeon's expectations. I'm also worried because she could not get the other surgeon that she was hoping to help her to come in and help.......She seemed confident but I mean why did she want help unless she needed it in the first place?

On other news my brain seems to be handle the stress in very unusual ways.... now remember I am dyslexic and math and spelling are very very hard subjects for me, so why I would dream that I had to figure out 00.0001/.1707(3/4)=A+B*D^10 before something terrible and dreadful happened I just don't know. Probably because my mom finally gave up her Harry Potter book so that I could read it, and Harry always has to figure out bizzar things before he can do what ever it is that he is suppose to do.

Peace out for now.

More stuff

So the thing is, that when you are faced with this pain that they cannot fix, there are things that you are gonna feel. Each person of course is gonna feel their own way. I feel scared, angry, helpless. I find that it helps me to make plans, both plans for if I get better and plans for if I don't. I need to know that if this is permenant that I will have something to go to. I need it so that I feel like I have a reason to be here. I personally need a plan A and B, C, D, etc. For some people they would think of that as focusing on the negative and while I respect that this is true for them it is MY F******* illness and darnit you will get out of my way and let me do what I need to do to survive it.

There is also a line between helping and enabling. This line has changed as I have become more and more disabled. I can not even walk for a very long time, now. So at first the helping was more like giving words of encouragement, and now I need more like help with grocery shopping. I think it has been harder for me then it really has for everyone around me. I keep thinking that I can get up and do things..... only to find that I cannot. It has been rare in my life that pure stubbornness has not abled me to push beyond what people thought were my limits. But now, that is not a help and infact I could hurt myself more, so I have to rely on others. I fear the wheel chair..... but I'm really trying not to. I'm reading this lady here and realizing that people with disabilities do have very full lives. I know that I am a long way off from a wheel chair just yet, but the pain is overwhelming... it is sicking when it comes, a horrible sicking pain... and I just need to know that I will be ok no matter what happens. It is like when they told me that my eyes were just gonna get worse and worse and so I forced myself to learn Braille and walk around with a blindfold.... I've never had to use those skills but it gave me comfort to know that I could do it, I could learn to read Braille (heck with my disleixca it was actually in some ways easier because it is different synapse to the brain) and I could learn how to move around.

As for addiction. It is a real fear. But I have no choice but to do what I have to. I cannot live in the pain that I am in. I would rather, much rather be smoking pot which is far less addictive, but I cannot risk jail for my husband. Besides the fact that I don't even know how to get it anymore. So lame I went and grew up on myself. I like drugs, I won't lie and say I don't.... lol remember I said I was talking to G*d on them... well who wouldn't like that? My G*d is a pretty nice guy and it feels good to spend time with him... lol, just kidding with you guys I don't think that I'm talking with G*d but it does feel that way when I'm high. But I put the hubby man in charge of giving them to me that way I just take away the tempting to do it my way. Which is great because I can talk myself into doing about a million unhealthy things. That is actually how I got here, talking myself into eating this or that and not excersing.

I am going to my very first pain clinc appt today. I donno what to expect. They are suppose to help me set realistic goals.... er.... I don't want to hurt... that seems realistic to me. Well we will see what we will see, I will try and keep and open mind and remember to see the similarities not the differences.

Peace out