Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Pain and suffering

I have been going to a class........ because I am feeling pretty bad.......... to learn how to not feel so bad. It is hard cuz really my life feels REALLY hard right now. I am still in pain. I am still on heavy pain medication........ I have no reason to belive that the pain will ever go away. No one is saying that to me anymore. Excpet for J. and my mom...... One of the things I learned or was told today that I am pondering quite hard. Is that I AM in pain but that I choose to suffer. In other words I say things in my head about that pain (i.e. it is my fault, I deserve this, if only, etc.) that cause me to suffer. In other words I take a bad sitution and make it worse. I am still thinking about that ........ I know I have been guilty of doing that at many many times in my life but am I doing that NOW. In other words am I limiting myself from feeling ANYTHING good because I want to suffer? or I don't know how to be without suffering? Yes. Yes I am. And it isn't working out so good. It really works like crap. I am not gonna spend time wondering why I do this to myself...... I need to change first, why's we can figure out later. I am not sure how to stop just yet, I don't know how to make the physcial part of me not effect the emtional part of me. But I think there is good reasons to try. I have a good family and a wonderful life........ it would be nice to enjoy both sometime soon.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I am talking to your kids and so is everyone else

I play a game on line called World of Warcraft. It is like a big Dungeons and dragons game only the charaters are diffrent if that helps you imagine it a bit. In this game I am talking to people all over the world. (that is SO cool) They are talking to me. We group together to go adventuring together in this game, and we have ways of talking to each other. This game has lots of...... very pretty charaters on it..... that you make and control they are you and you can do lots of things with them (not have sex you cannot do that). BUT it is clear to me that this is a pretty adult type game young adult sure but adult. So what are your kids doing there!!??! Your kids.....asking me stuff like how to get the girl they like to look at them? and what they should do about their sucidal friend?? and if they are coming to me who sits there and says listen I am an old lady at 36 go play with the ppl your own age.... what do you THINK people who like kids the wrong way are doing??? Why are your kids on there for 10-15hrs at a time?? WHY?? I can't protect them this game is huge thousands of people at least are on it with 20+ server and that is just the USA servers. And yes I try and tell them to go to their parents but still....... usually they just move on to the next person and ask them .... I don't know where the parents are..... I wish it was just one kid..... but it isn't..... I really get mad. Grown up things should be for adults, get your kids on a kid game with a high lvl of moderation. Our moderters are not suffecnet enough to take care of your kids. At 15$ a month what did you expect?!!? come on no one gets paied that little to take care of your kids......