Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Canbilisim and Christainty

Ok someone wants to know why I think Christians are canbilsist. It is strange to me that they do not see themselves this way. They make all sort of excuses for their behavior but the truth is that most strains of Christianity have some sort of communion. Communion is the acting out of eating the flesh and blood of their "messiah". Now it is true that there is no actual blood or flesh it is usually some kind of bread/cracker and wine/grape juice that they are pretending is actual flesh and blood (some may take offense at the word pretending but I couldn't think of what else to call it). To me I donna care how you justify it, it is acting out the eating of an actual person, that is cannibalism. That's just plain gross and barbaric. As you aren't actually physically hurting anyone it is your right to be as gross as you want to be. But I find it odd that you stand on some moral high ground about how other people act when you still sit around acting out a set of circumstances where you all pretend to eat someone. People that want to control who does what should start by not pretending to eat people.... IMHO and teach their kids not to eat people. We wonder why our culture is so violent...... how could be less when we started with a religion that thought to take a revered person and eat him? That isn't even sanitary..... do you know if you actually ate humans how many disease you could get, how nasty sick you could be?

Saturday, August 27, 2005

you may not have noticed, but I got some great commenters here

Seriously I do. If I could figure out how to work my blog right (yes shylah tried to teach me and someday I will have the time and energy to learn) I would put up that link to all the great people that I'm beginning to get to know.

Today kinda blows big chunks. A person that I know died. He was sick with cancer and we all knew he was losing. He was a great man. More then that I don't want to say for fear of being Dooc'd one day. (Saying to much about where you work so work fires your butt as they did to Dooce whom you can google and read her blog about how she got fired and why her name is now synonymous with being fired for having a blog).

Another reason today blows is they upped my dosage of Prozac 3 days ago and I thought that the side effects of helicopters and stuff would wear off but I'm still nausea and still feeling very not so good. The lady that I'm working with on this wants me to go to psych. Which I donna have problem with (well..... sorta don't have a problem with) but when they call me they start saying a bunch of stuff about mood swings and depression that NO ONE has ever talked to me about having before. I'm pissed...... I feel lied too, I feel like they are playing games. The med's I'm taking are making me question my own sanity because darnit no matter how close I live to the airport of a major city their should not me helicopters inside my head all day. I seriously thinking of ditching the psych meds. and ditching this lady and going to my primary and demanding the referral to Stanford.......... I feel very done but I can't tell if I'm thinking rationally or not. I wish very very hard that I had some real people that I really trusted giving me some medical advice right now.

I'm so tired. I'm so so so freakin' tired. I'm procrastinating the hell out of things right now. Stuff at work stuff at home. Nothing that isn't a priority is getting done. If it's not an emergency it isn't happening. What is wrong with that? it has been like that for almost 2 yrs. TWO YEARS! It has been very bad the last 8 months and the problem is I see no end in sight. I need hope.....

Friday, August 26, 2005

What G*d won't do

It is interesting to me how many people are willing to believe that G*d will indeed give you anything if you just ask in the right way. I remember one time someone asking me about my dyslexic:

T: Donncha think that G*d Jesus Christ Our Lord can remove your dyslexic?
ME: He might be able to but he won't
T: Sure he will. You just gotta pray about it.
ME: Ummm I did pray, lots of time about it
T: Did you ask in Jesus' name
ME: Yes, I was a S. Baptist of course I did
T: Well you must have been holding something back child because I'm tellin' you he will relieve the sufferin' of the people who pray to him.

At this point I always got to back away before I become completely violent (not a side of myself that I like or approve of but it is still there). I know the way many many people do that G*d will not remove the suffer of someone just because you pray about it. He will not save a loved one, he will not cure mental illness, he/she/it doesn't answer millions and millions of peoples prayers every single day. And I don't think that just because so and so got "cured" after he prayed that somehow G*d choose him to be special and deserving more so then someone else that was praying or being prayed over. People do some stupid things when they are told and they believe that G*d could and should cure someone or themselves of what ever is wrong.... like not give insulin to a diabetic. There are about a million consequences to believing that G*d could and will, and in my opinion a vast majority of them are detrimental to your health.

When I was a child and they learned that I would have learning problem, that I would never be a doctor, I would always find school hard, math in particular.... they prayed. When I learned later (much) that I had a learning problem that I was not stupid, I thanked G*d because it was something that I could do something about. (but I still prayed not to have it) There is nothing so awful to someone that is going thru a hard time to hear that if you just prayed that maybe if your special enough that G*d will fix it but if you don't do it "right" or your not "special" enough then too bad. I don't think that G*d works like that. I donno much but everything I do "know" about G*d says that praying right or being special doesn't have anything to do with living, dieing, or quality of life.

Sorry it has been a while

BUT the hubby requested that I not blog about some stuff and when I'm told I can't I want to really really bad. So I spent my time commenting on other blogs and trying very hard not to come over here and just blab about everything. As he is a good spouse that is normally ok with me blogging about everything.... I felt I must respect him in his request....*@#@*****. BTW I did write the post........ and should he ever decide to die on me....not because he scared me about that;) I will post it.

So what is happening. First thing is the CT scan shows nothing. SO I am gonna look into the pain clinic in Stanford and getting acupuncture. The other thing is that I gave in, and I am taking a very light dose of vicoden at night. It was a hard decision. I put hubbyman in charge of it, so I don't even know where the pills are and even if I did he can count. The pain had become overwhelming, I was waking up in the middle of the night in a lot of pain, no sleep, still hurting, it wasn't doing me any good. And the pain is defiantly less, like it is less all the time. Maybe getting some relief at night is helping the nerves not send the signals..... I donno. BUT I do not think that it is the end, but only a breather so that I can catch my breath and start to figure out what is going wrong. Is it PSTD? Or as Julie says PASS? or is it something else? I don't know, but I swear that I will. I have a great life and I'm not willing to spend the rest of it on drugs. (funny at one time in my life that was all I wanted)

I have some other stuff to say but I think that is another post soon to come. Love you all very much!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Frist off YAYA to Chasmyn!!!

who just delivered a healthy baby boy!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA

Now on to my own issues... LOL after all that is really what this blog is for. I have learned as Julie from below said that most of the boards and forums for chronic pain are ..... well full self pitying crap. AND in all honesty having not a heck of a lot to do with the type of pain that is going on with me. I do not have a diagnosis as of yet, and although I may have something like fibromyalga that is something that I had before .... that is not what is acutely wrong right this minute. I have however learned one thing that has set my mind at ease, it is not unusual for people to make light of their pain problem when confronted with a doctor. That it is not at all unusual to talk yourself out of being as sick as you are moments before you walk in. That I am not alone that when the nurse says "and why is the doctor seeing you today?" to immediately feel attacked and defensive. AND I'm not alone when it comes to leaving the doctors office and your love ones say "well? why didn't you just do this" to feel overwhelmed and helpless. I find myself more and more angry of our health care system which seems as pointless as being angry at the IRS.

This will probably be more information then you want to know. But I need to talk about it so don't read if you don't like graphic details, it's ok not to, really!

So what is wrong? Ok I have pain in my gut and kidney area. 2 separate places. One that is about the middle of my scar area. It goes from not hurting much to hurting very badly. It hurts a lot to poop, not in the poop area, but in the gut. It feels like a cold hard bullet setting in there twisting and turning. I cannot stand to be touched or poked there.... which seems to make every doctor want to do exactly that. I often slouch in my chair at home almost balled up in cradle like position to try and relieve some of the pain.... that doesn't work very well. I have pain in my kidney area. This started when I had stones and they did the lithotropsy. They said it would go away, it didn't. It comes and goes. I could live with this one, it leaves me breathless but it is more like a contraction, painful but when it is gone it is gone. I think it is smallish stones that are not getting caught in there passing. But sometimes it sticks around for a bit and then I think it might be an appendix problem... but then it goes away so that is why I think it could be small stones. What I do know that I have is low blood sugar and low blood pressure. These are documented, and there isn't much to be done except for what I'm already doing about them which is watching what I eat and taking salt pills. I think they could be the symptoms of some other types of problems but I don't know, most of those are pretty rare and I don't have a family history that would make me think those are likely. My white blood cells are fine. My urine has calcium, sometimes. Everything else is rock steady. I am not anemic. I am scared. While talking this week to my hubby about the dream of our future, I had to put in "if I'm healthy enough"...... which also met "if I'm not so stoned off of pain medication by that time." because I don't know how long I can hold out. I'm already taking bendralye every single night...... yes I have allergy, but I could take less knock your sock off stuff and I choose to take the bendralye because I know it will take the edge off the pain too. I will be trying acupuncture next..... which some of you may know me well enough to know ... that I'm a western medicine kind of gal.... You won't hear me say much about that because I think it is better for you if you can believe in something to believe in it, but I don't. But ok, HMO says they will pay for it if the CT scan comes up with nothing, so off I go try it out. Hopefully my belief none-withstanding it will work. If it doesn't then....... well at the same time my doctor said she would sign a refreal for me to go the the Stanford Pain Clinc which is not very far at all from me, so if that is the case then I will do that to and let their team of doctors look me over. Someone will tell me what is wrong, I am not crazy.

Peace out.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

ok that is just plain wrong

I wanted to see if there were other suffers of chronic pain... although I'm not quiet ready to put myself in that group but you know to see what other people had to say about it. So I put the words "chronic pain" in the blogger search box and MY own blog is the only one that shows up!

Hummm there must be a way to search other blog type things out there.... I mean you can't google it because you just get a bunch of news stories. I want to connect to other people not read about the newest latest greatest thing that won't work.

The stupid things people will do

So I have to go into work late at night which takes me right by the airport. Which means I get to see people acting out in the most stupid ways possible and either almost kill me or involve me in their suicide attempts. The other night was a particularly bad night where in 3 people in separate incidence all decided to act very stupid.

The first person was in one of those big trucks, you know the ones that say "I have no penis and I'm hoping your too drunk to notice" trucks? Anyways we are on the street, not the highway mind you, and I'm going around a 18 wheeler truck because it is on the way to industrial park and this guy gets his choice of being stuck behind me or the 18 wheel truck at the stoplight. He is smart and choose me, we both pass the 18 wheel truck and he suddenly puts his petal to the metal and screeches out to go 4 buildings up the to McDonalds......... because I guess his order was ready? This is not a teen hang out area it is in the middle of an industrial park and across from a Best Western.... BUT ok he really needed to get to that McDonalds and it only slightly unnerved me.

The next guy REALLY pissed me off. This was a guy in a wheel chair in the middle of a turn lane going the wrong way with no reflectors on his chair or lights of any kind. He apparently was looking to commit suicide and thought I looked like I could help him. No he was not lost or hurt, he was apparently in an argument with someone on the sidewalk and had decided to go into the street to make his point. (this btw was only a block from the McDonalds) I wanted to get out and explain to the guy that while I support euthanasia for those who want it, that I was opposed to being volunteered without my consent in helping him out.

By the time I got to the third guy I'm on this single lane street. He is lost. Which I sympathize with but I have no patience for anymore this night. Besides the fact that it makes me nervous when cars are acting weird and I'm alone in mine. This guy keeps stopping suddenly looking around then driving slowly, then speeding up, then swerving, This results in me testing out my breaks in my car several times. I cannot get around him. Finally he goes in the right direction towards the lights of the airport (which I assume is what he wants) and get on my way.

I know you all think I'm paranoid when I say they are out to kill me and that Satan is really responsible for road planning but I think I'm on to something.