Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Pain and suffering

I have been going to a class........ because I am feeling pretty bad.......... to learn how to not feel so bad. It is hard cuz really my life feels REALLY hard right now. I am still in pain. I am still on heavy pain medication........ I have no reason to belive that the pain will ever go away. No one is saying that to me anymore. Excpet for J. and my mom...... One of the things I learned or was told today that I am pondering quite hard. Is that I AM in pain but that I choose to suffer. In other words I say things in my head about that pain (i.e. it is my fault, I deserve this, if only, etc.) that cause me to suffer. In other words I take a bad sitution and make it worse. I am still thinking about that ........ I know I have been guilty of doing that at many many times in my life but am I doing that NOW. In other words am I limiting myself from feeling ANYTHING good because I want to suffer? or I don't know how to be without suffering? Yes. Yes I am. And it isn't working out so good. It really works like crap. I am not gonna spend time wondering why I do this to myself...... I need to change first, why's we can figure out later. I am not sure how to stop just yet, I don't know how to make the physcial part of me not effect the emtional part of me. But I think there is good reasons to try. I have a good family and a wonderful life........ it would be nice to enjoy both sometime soon.

6 Comments:

Anonymous chasmyn said...

(((HUG)))

2:35 PM  
Blogger Granny said...

Hug from me too. It makes sense to stop self destructive behavior in its tracks and work out the why and wherefore later.

4:48 PM  
Blogger Val said...

I keep on coming by, trying to construct a comment that "works"...
I feel so bad for you, hon, all I can say is I hope you can find a better place to work from REAL SOON.
Love & best wishes, Val

2:00 PM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Hey, Achro - more hugs from me. I understand living with chronic pain; I also don't know how, or if, we can separate the physical from the emotional.

It helps me when I remember that emotions are choices that we make, while the physical symptoms are beyond our control. So, while having yet another bad pain day may make me feel angry, I don't have to choose to maintain that anger as my response for the day.

Trite, huh? I guess it boils down to the Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change, etc. There's a reason they use this prayer in the 12-step programs, with success, I guess.

In a book I read by Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, he describes the emotional level like a basement in our minds - something happens upstairs, and we go down into the basement to choose which emotion we will feel in response. I like the mental image, because it helps me remember there are many emotions I can choose, and I do have that freedom (and because so many of my initial emotional responses deserve to remain in storage in a dark, dirty cellar). ;)

More hugs

7:12 AM  
Blogger achromic said...

yes Silent it is those lessons I am despreatly trying to apply it is prolly the hardest thing I have ever done and I have done lots of hard things before. But the physcial does have so much to do with the mental.... it is hard to make a diffrent choice it means being present in the here and now.... not one of the things I do well.

9:59 AM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Being in the here and now - I don't do it well, either, not one darned bit, especially sober. Ugh. I'm great on theory, weak on practice - but I believe that we can get there, because we are trying - you hang in, and I'll hang in there with you.

10:34 AM  

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