Naming things

I did something nice for a guy that is a milatary doctor. And then he did something nice in return. He is a special doctor with lots of training in caring for people that have been doing things I don't want to think about. I don't ask much more then that because I suspect he can't tell me some stuff and I don't want him to lie or say he can't tell me. But anyways..... we talked about what was going on...... and then out of the blue he says "you hate them" and suddenly I knew it was true. I hate all those doctors...... even the ones that haven't done anything to me. I keep trying not to hate them because I am afraid if I hate them they won't help me. And it has led me into this cycle of ...... denile and unablity to communcate with them. But once he SAID it....... once he named what was going on in my head...... then I could see why every conversation with a doctor led to me feeling worse, confused and bitter. I know lots and lots of people that CAN hate....... I can't. It is posien to me. When I hate things I go into self destruct........ and I have been doing that for a bit now even tho' I was not doing anything outwardly to show that I was. I have no good ways of dealing with anger..... I mean I really don't. But now that I know what I am doing I can start dealing with it. I will start with prayer...... I know that sounds strange but so far it is the only thing I can see working ...... pray that they will not make the same mistakes with others that they have made with me....... pray for them to have clear vision, steady hands, and clean work places. Pray that they need to harm no one else to learn how to do what they do better. It is the only thing I ever found to help with hate...... I mean my hate is SSOOOO deep...... I never figured out how to forgive. I never figured out how to stop plotting vengene and and........ it is just not good thing. I donno ........ how do any of you handle hate and fear? what do you do when you need the very people that you hate and fear to help you?