Saturday, July 08, 2006

Naming things

I did something nice for a guy that is a milatary doctor. And then he did something nice in return. He is a special doctor with lots of training in caring for people that have been doing things I don't want to think about. I don't ask much more then that because I suspect he can't tell me some stuff and I don't want him to lie or say he can't tell me. But anyways..... we talked about what was going on...... and then out of the blue he says "you hate them" and suddenly I knew it was true. I hate all those doctors...... even the ones that haven't done anything to me. I keep trying not to hate them because I am afraid if I hate them they won't help me. And it has led me into this cycle of ...... denile and unablity to communcate with them. But once he SAID it....... once he named what was going on in my head...... then I could see why every conversation with a doctor led to me feeling worse, confused and bitter. I know lots and lots of people that CAN hate....... I can't. It is posien to me. When I hate things I go into self destruct........ and I have been doing that for a bit now even tho' I was not doing anything outwardly to show that I was. I have no good ways of dealing with anger..... I mean I really don't. But now that I know what I am doing I can start dealing with it. I will start with prayer...... I know that sounds strange but so far it is the only thing I can see working ...... pray that they will not make the same mistakes with others that they have made with me....... pray for them to have clear vision, steady hands, and clean work places. Pray that they need to harm no one else to learn how to do what they do better. It is the only thing I ever found to help with hate...... I mean my hate is SSOOOO deep...... I never figured out how to forgive. I never figured out how to stop plotting vengene and and........ it is just not good thing. I donno ........ how do any of you handle hate and fear? what do you do when you need the very people that you hate and fear to help you?

8 Comments:

Blogger Granny said...

Hate just takes too much energy although it's hard for me to remember that sometimes.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous chasmyn said...

I find other ways to get the help I need.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous jeanette1ca said...

Oh, damn, I knew there was something I forgot to teach you. Okay, well, step 1 is: Learn to forgive yourself. We'll talk about step 2 once you get that one figured out!

Love, mom

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Lee Anne said...

A. - in an of myself, I cannot forgive...I have to ask God to forgive me for having the feelings that I have. I beg God to help me get over things. I once talked to a priest about this forgiveness things - things that way heavy on my heart. He told me to ask God for an aspirin everytime I was feeling heavy hearted. Know what? It works!

Not that I am all sweetness and light - but I must say that it has helped me tremendously.

As far as plotting revenge...well now, chickadee - you just STOP that! (grin!) The fantasies are great...but let them remain that.

I have a feeling that the doctor hatred thing and fear stems back to your abortion, dear one. Go to a Rachel Vineyard retreat weekend SOON, please!

love your buddy -

11:34 AM  
Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

Better late than never?
I revel in my hate. I roll around in it like a dog rolls in a pile of... you know.
And then I realize what I'm doing, and ask myself: Is It Worth It?

I don't have to forgive. I don't have to forget. I certainly don't have to love the target of my hate. I have to let it go.

I can have the hate, or I can have myself. So I let the hate go.

However; there are some hatreds so broad reching, that they keep popping up. Do you hate doctors, or do you hate the entire medical system that created these doctors?

1:32 PM  
Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

er, reAching, that is.

1:35 PM  
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