A harsher critic I know not

Then the one I see in the mirror. I have only known a few people well enough to know that I am not alone in that. So..... sticking up for myself is REALLY hard even when I am feeling 100%. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have lost, how many botched medical encounters I have had, or how extremely painful teenage life was in the face of teacher and physiologist. I would do almost ANYTHING to not do it........ infact I believe that part of why I am in the bad health that I am in is because I would rather die then to force my point with a doctor...... BUT last week I did some of it. It was extordinary painful to sit in front of a doctor, a health psychologist, and a social worker and tell them that I wanted an explanation of treatment and a second opinion and more options. The health psychologist ....... a very young girl of whom I feel over protective of, immediately starts with a whole but this isn't our fault thing..... which I said I didn't care, told me that if my problem could have been handled by a doctor it would have been already (directly against what my usual doctor said), and offered that I should start in their program back in the beginning (which would require me to only see their doctors.... I don't think so). The doctor that was there, while someone I know, is only in charge of my medication, became defensive and tried to weasel out of how he pressured me into staying on meds that I felt were wrong for me, and although I am well aware of how harsh the take down of my meds is gonna be basically was in that whole .... if your not gonna do it my way I don't care. The social worker whom I don't really like that well.... was actually the most professional of the bunch.... prior to this her professionalism really put me off...... now it worked for me. She took down what I wanted told me what I needed to do to get the referral to a second opinion and set down what their agreed recommendations were. Now I am set to face off with the real doctor on Tues. she actually scares me even more, she has so far been very disarming and easy to trust..... but so far what she has offered me hasn't worked....... so I am disinclined to cont'd with her recommendations ........ at least without the back up of another doctor outside of the pain clinic.

In the mean time I am so hooked to the drugs I am on......... it is scary. It is definently reminiscent of smoking ...... I no longer feel an effect with the drugs.... I feel the effect of NOT having them. That is pyschal depenancey. I donno what to do about that except what I am doing which is to keep trying to lower the dosage. I may ....... see I just donno if I could just not worry that they are gonna stop supplying me with the drug I wouldn't worry so much about it all the time and maybe I could just relax that tad bit more........ but instead I worry constantly that soon they will just stop because they feel I am not giving enough. I feel like they have me by the balls so to speak........ I try and remember that although I would be VERY VERY sick it would pass...... and although I might be in pain after that somehow I would be ok. I am so not ok......... I want off............ I hate being forced to do anything and this addiction is forcing me to jump for people I don't trust....... Wish I had a name for what I have........ wish I a doctor in my family that could help me. Hummmm I guess if I had to I could do the methodone........... I didn't think of that........ but there must be a pick up place around here. Then at the very least I could just deal with the pain rather then withdrawal at the same time.......

But the deep depression has left..... I mean I am worried about these things but I am no longer a rabbit in the headlights. I swear...... every operation the depression is deeper and longer. This time is was definantly helped out by the medications. Still I am amazed at the depths of my despair and how it limits my entire view of the world.

I am amazed at how helpful my spouse has been......... I don't know if I could do the same for him...... I would want to........... but to be a straight A student, part time worker and FULL time caretaker.......... that is a lot. He is dyeing for spring break tho! and I donna blame him. Maybe if we can do it I can take him over to where there is still snow and let him play........ we would have to do it on a shoestring.... but we always do...... and do ok.