I hate them all

It was a bad day at the doctors ....... it was a big EVAL day with 3 WHOLE doctors....... and they donno how to help me....... I am not responding OR allergic to EVERY kind of meds avilable. I am very close to done. I am a paper ghost ........ I am walking like a shadow in silver rain........... the only place I am almost OK is here........ I am trying not to give up........ I wish I had something to believe in....... the funniest part is I actually feel more alive right now then I do when things are right.......... it is a dangerous feeling. I should stop feeling anything then I won't feel pain...... but then John...... I would loose John..... but...... No J. is STILL more important...... but maybe it is like one of those pardoxes inorder to love and keep you have to stop caring....... I donno how that works.......... but maybe I need to figure it out.