Monday, May 30, 2005

Detox....... of ice and fire

Yesterday was the worst of the detox's that I have yet to go thru' I hope and pray it is the last. It matters not if the drugs you are addicted to come from need and a doctor or need and the street. It is the same. It occurred to me that I should write here about it. That some of you that read are mother and fathers that you have spouses, one day you may need to know. I preface this with I'm not a doctor, if you think that you are dealing with a serious detox then get to a hospital, especially if it is dealing with both alcohol and drugs combined, because it can/has lead to heart failure in some people. I, however, have always detoxed myself..... well sort of myself not without the help of the good people I know and a solid belief that there is a higher power. So what to do? What to expect? if you should have to do this? First off you can't do it unless the person is willing to do it. Second about half way thru' they won't want to do it anymore. For me, it is like having a very very bad flu. My bones ache and there is chill then fever then chill, I spasm and shake, and I hate... ooo do I hate I hate everything. I twitch violently on and off. I feel nausea and sick and then hungry a little bit. The first 24 hrs are the worst for me with the worst of it starting at about hr 10 or so. I taste it in my mouth the wanting, every cell craving. There is nothing you can do, but there are a few things that will only help a bit..... one is loose comfortable cotton cloths and a couple of changes of these, soap that doesn't smell very strong, sweet stuff (ice cream, cookies, hard candy), and cigarettes. I know the last one, might bring some of you to despair, but I think of it like this smoking you often can have another day to stop opiate use will kill you quick. Nicotine is a drug and it does have some useful side effects of calming and nausea relief, it is not for everyone but for me it takes the edge off. Most of all be ready for the hate tho' the person you are dealing with is very very uncomfortable and nothing you do will be right and if it is you that is doing it then remember to try and keep your mouth shut... these people love you or they wouldn't put up with your BS.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Strength returning

I suppose it is only when everything is completely out of your hands that you finally give up and let a high power come in. Perhaps one of the lessons of having a hard time is so that we can be amazed by the power of a higher power. I have over the past few months.... um years now..... struggling with my higher power and sharing it with no one. No one at all.

I donno what I would have done had I not stumbled upon the pro-life site...... why? Because I disagreed with them enough to think. Forcing me to even in my haze to try and sound somewhat sensible ( tho' they might at times disagree). Yet open enough to see...... to be surprised that what I once took as their hate, was actually urgency and love. And while I disagree with some of what they do and some of what they want I see that the there is far far more that we can agree on. This eye opening thing is not human...... we are both strong sides here...... we all like to be totally right..... I found myself hearing many ways that we could come together. Never probably completely..... but that abortions should be rare (by choice), that they should safe when they do happen, that all possible side effect should be talked about, other avenues discussed, and that signs of abuse and pressure should be one of the main focuses of any facility that performs these types of operations, this is good. It could really help people. At the same time shoring up our adoptions laws so that children stay in the homes that they consider home and are not ripped into tiny emotional pieces. Figuring something.... and I sure donno what to do about our foster care system is something that we need to do as well. BUT it is a sure thing that the politicians do not want us to do..... I mean if we are sitting around just bickering about life and death we sure aren't making change and they love status quo.

On wards....... anyways this past week I almost lost my job. I was sick and have been sick almost 6 months and on heavy drugs of one type or another for 3 wks straight (and on and off for months and months). I thought heavily about not being here anymore. I just felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so depressed and unhappy. Although I will say my hubby was doing his best to get me to hang on. I probably would not have survived without him. He is an incredible source of strength for me. But he is not a higher power. Sunday my co. went on a retreat.... and I had to room with an old boss of mine that I have always liked. It was almost like G*d knew I was breaking and sent her in. She kept talking to me about having faith and trusting that whatever happened was going happen and somehow it was gonna work out the way it was suppose to. She prayed a lot. Monday night I hurt and hurt a lot. I wasn't sure yet but I thought I might be passing that horrible piece of stone. Tuesday I hurt and hurt. In the mean time my old boss started pulling strings..... I donno how she does it.... I donna want to know. By Weds. the last half day of the retreat I'm beginning to feel better. Thurs. the talks from my currant bosses have changed.... ummm they were wrong I was right would I please just forget about the whole thing??? LOL I kid you not. Thurs. night the X-rays are in and the stone is gone.... the pain I'm left with should be gone in the next couple of days ... start stepping down on the meds. Friday I get all the messages of prayers from all my good hearted friends .... which I swear .... I felt all this week even tho' they only started on Fri. (but you know G*d knows stuff so I think he may have just forwarded those back in time.... I mean he is G*d so he can do that stuff). Well so, I still have to detox.... I hate this part of things......... but I'm feeling pretty good about it. I will probably still look for another job because ummm in my experience bosses do not like being told they are wrong much less having to say to me they are wrong so I won't probably stick around too long (besides G*d wants me someplace else and I'm not waiting around again for him to make things urgent oh no I will just mosey onwards and find out where I'm suppose to be) but at less OMG things are gonna fall apart. And surprisingly I'm beginning to feel that I should be trusting what G*d or a higher power wants......even tho' I donna understand why his plan can't include me winning the lotto (er I never play) and becoming fabulous rich. Perhaps all the hard times are so that you can make your way back to having some hope/faith in something or atleast have the opportunity to believe in something. Someone once said to me that you only see miracles if you want to.

Friday, May 27, 2005

How a felt a few days ago

I live in the high snow
Cold winds, deep chills
Gray wolves with tails down
Glowing yellow eyes
Hunting thru' my skin
Frenzied mad with the smell of warm blood
Digging in where the needles pierce

Ah Love, can you hear their icy howl?

Friday, May 20, 2005

G*d is fast

I'm quickly loosing my job thru' a series of misunderstandings and such thing that I don't seem to be able to clear up.... the more honset and straight I am the worse things become. It doesn't matter I know G*d wants me to move on..... that doesn't mean that I'm not scared ... I am the money maker in this family so no job mean no money no health insurance ect. But it doesn't matter how scared I am I donna belong where I am now and I know it. Poor J. one more year of school he needs ...... and I can't I can't help it......... O G*d please please please help me find a way to get J. thru school. He wants it so bad like I never will like I never have. Let me find some way.................. some how..........

Wednesday, May 18, 2005


or however that is spelled. I can't get better yet I'm not getting sicker.... that darn piece of stone won't move.... and I'm still high so much I can't see straight and trying to keep my job ect. On the other hand there must be an air of attrative vunreblety to me as the MEN have been all over me like hot potato's, which is funny and yet creepy all at the same time. All I can say is I married the right man because he says stuff like "I can't wait for you to be better we are gonna have so much fun" and never whines about my limitations or anything like that. I beleive with all my heart that J. loves me more when I'm not sedated by strong drugs, which for me is pricless because lets face it, I have a temper of thunderstorm on a bright sunny day in the midwest and the voice that puts harpies to shame (tho' I'm not a fan of vile languge). Although people have called me kind with a sense of humor they also have called me cold hearted and vengeful all which is true. I'm still learning to be honset..... still, and everytime I think I've got it and I won't be scared of the consquenses I mess up again and get scared and try to make it all better usually by makeing things worse. But it's getting better (mostly because my hubby is a great exsample and doesn't ever make me feel shameful of my actions).

What I want most right now is for my friend from the East coast to come visit me. I donno if she will but I swear every time I talk to her on line she has a way of sending hope .... I donno how she does it because it isn't what she types, but it is like a serious hug. I would wish for my friend from the North to visit too..... but she is busy making a baby and the only reason for her to come here would be if something was major wrong so I'd rather she just stayed up there. My very best friend here (which is still a newer friendship) has just been awsome... forgiving me for not fessing up right away to dinging her car.......... I swear I love her....... and I have agreed to pay for everything to make it right.... but I was so happy that she didn't stay mad I mean she forgave me right away not even a sec' of whys or anything just an "it's ok we will work it out I forgive you". LOL I hope I can learn to do that one day.

Still thinking a lot about stuff moral type stuff.... I have a feeling that I can't stay too much longer either with the grp in my co. ........... and that may lead to leaving the co. and that would be hard because of the money and benifits. I'm getting the gots to goes really really bad. G*d wants me doing something else....... and I donna want to go........ I donna even know what G*d wants I just know that this feeling when it comes means I got to do something about it....... maybe I have a year ..... maybe....... but it could happen sooner..... agggggg I know not much sense..... maybe I will go into it more next blog.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Why we need more pain meds

See I use to think that we had a lot of choices when it came to pain meds.... but as many of you know that is a lie.... it just was a lie that I didn't know about until now. One of the reasons I didn't want to think about it is that in order to do pain meds research you have to put an animal in pain... and then stop the pain or not. This is not the kind of research that I like. I like the kind that stops once the animal is in any kind of discomfort. So it was easy to say well we got all this pain meds why do we need more? Well........ lemme tell you why... See I can't take any aspirin base product, ibprofren, or naproxin ...... that leave Tylenol (thank you Tylenol for your new rapid release pills I love you) and opium based products like percocet, vicidin, ect. The problem with it is that much pain is beyond tylenol to help it is a very light pain relief.... so like oh say kidney problems and bladder problems or wound infection problems are pretty much beyond Tylenol(as great as a product that it is) and opium as you may know as a couple of nasty side effects, being that you are totally stoned, consipation, oooo and don't forget addiction. But being all that those are my choices..... and another problem is you can't mix them... so if I start hurting and I take Tylenol and then it gets a great deal worse? Too bad I got to wait 6hrs before I can take something stronger.... and part of that is they lace the opium base products with acetphimine so if you double take that you can damage your liver pretty bad.... and who the hell wants that? So we are stuck those like me....... in this place and after two years on and off opium based products I fear addiction because I think about it ALL the time. I think about how good I feel on the opium, I love it, I hate it, it is beginning to steal me away from my hubby who I love and making me unable to make life decisions because all I can do is make it thru' the day.

On another note....... Thank you soo much GG for replying to my post...... the more I get to know you the more I really love and respect you. It is hard to stand up for what you believe in and do it all the time, but you do and even tho' it isn't about something that we agree on. I would want you on my side in any fight because I would trust you to do what you felt was the right thing no matter what and you just got to respect that about someone.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Helloooooo is anyone still here?

I'm sooo sorry I haven't been writing..... I think between blogging about my abortion and going thru' surgery again.... and still being in pain because of course I got an infection ... in those tubes down there..... well I just felt like all I had to share was hate and anger, the feeling of bitter betrayal. AND AND I don't want to give that out....... Also on another note, it is probably my way of pushing away the enormous amount of love that I feel from you guys.... it's a bit overwhelming, hate for me is pretty easy to deal with but love is not. What have I been doing...... errr humming Tommy which you know means that I'm just full of feeling sorry for myself, and wonder what I did to get such a great hubby. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID???? After 8 yrs of marriage you think that you know a man, but well I was in shock when I came home last Sat. and he had cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen and vacuumed the liveingroom..... and I hadn't even asked him to. He doesn't even have to get me an anniversary present this month (er yep this month 8yrs WOW) because as probably all of the girls here know that was the best present he could have ever gotten me. I LOVE my man!!!!!

In the mean time .... I was tagged by a meme by Chasmyn who would probably really like it if I would link to her.... but as usual I don't remember how and my notes are at home...... opps er ya I'm ah not at work blogging b/c that would be bad. So the thing is there is this list and you pick 5 things and what you would do if you were one of the 5 and then you could add to it if you want to. Then you pick 3 others to pass it on to..... only I'm gonna skip that part because I donno if anyone else is reading this anymore if you want to do then please do and I will let everyone know about it!

If I could be a scientist… If I could be a farmer…
If I could be a musician… If I could be a doctor…
If I could be a painter… If I could be a gardener…
If I could be a missionary… If I could be a chef…
If I could be an architect… If I could be a linguist…
If I could be a psychologist… If I could be a librarian…
If I could be an athlete… If I could be a lawyer…
If I could be an innkeeper… If I could be a professor…
If I could be a writer… If I could be a backup dancer…
If I could be a llama-rider… If I could be a bonnie pirate…
If I could be a midget stripper… If I could be a proctologist…
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host… If I could be an actor…
If I could be a judge… If I could be a Jedi…If I could be a mob boss…
If I could be a backup singer…If I could be a CEO…
If I could be a movie reviewer… If I could be a monkey’s uncle…

If I could be a musician I would write songs that would help people feel good and gentle and kind
If I could be an architect then I would make buildings that made you feel like you were outside and blended with nature
If I could be an athlete I'd run and run and run I would breath so deep and free
If I could be an innkeeper I'd house every homeless person and child and probably go broke
If I could be chef I'd figure out how to make cafeteria food taste good and be healthy and cheap and then teach it to every food kitchen in the nation