Friday, September 30, 2005

Hurting and helping

G*d knows I would never wish for you or a loved one to be going thru the pain that I am... but what if you were? or someone you loved? There are things that I have learned that perhaps may help some of you and this is what I'm gonna write on today. These of course are only my personal experance, I am not a doctor, or psychologist, but I'm pretty smart even if I can't spell or put a sentence together well.

First off, beleive them, even if you don't do. Unless you have real soild evendence that they are drug seeking assume that the meds are not reaching the pain and that it is the issue. If you are the one in pain, stop second guessing yourself, you know what hurts! Stop being afraid of what ppl will say and get help. Make them help you.

Journaling can be good for both people. I have not done this yet but I plan on starting after hearing from Gawdessness.That she is having her daughter do it. This can help you tell the doctor when you are hurting and how much. (LOL did you notice that I actually LINKED TO HER!!!)

One of the things that I find helps me is to have someone read to me, lol it doesn't matter what it is, it should be something that the reader will enjoy. I cannot focus to much but the comfort that someone is there is HUGE!

The mood swings ... I should touch on this. Being in pain is like wakeing up on Mon morning every single morning only about 2k worse. This however does not give you the right to be grouchy with everyone. They aren't in pain, they still are not mind readers, the do want to help so stop being a grouch. Remember no matter how much the opuim makes you think you are talking to G*d (well it does me) it has not upped your telapathic abilty at all, if anything, if you were slightly talented it will block that like a steele door. For those of you that have to deal with us, remember both the pain and the med's are effecting our emotions. The meds can makes us suddenly need hugs and be touched even if a moment before we couldn't stand the sight of you, and the pain.........stuffing down the pain can make you more harsh then you mean to be. When you are in pain the entire world revoles around that pain.

I strongly suggest, getting up and showering every single day.
I strongly suggest getting up and finding something that you will find urgent to do. For me this is to argue with my friends over here and here.
Also find people on the net that you can share and love and hang out with when you can't get up and move about ..... when even going to the store is too much. Some of my faves are Cubbiegirl,
Gawdessness, Cluttergirl, Loinmom ok there are more but I'm getting tired so I'm gonna stop right now with that list.

Ok I thought of more stuff to write..... but one of the other things is that you are very very forgetful when on this stuff, so write everything down when you think of it. LOL but now I can't remember the rest of what I had to say so that is it for now guys. Love you all too!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

yea so the surgery is on

well, I'm going in on the 10th of Oct. She almost laughed when I said "umm that laprosocpic option?" she stuffed down her giggling enough to explain that " no we gots to cut you all the way and remove all those old staples and do it right this time" (ok I'm eggsartation a bit she was actually very very nice.) She also said very sadly ... that this may not take away the pain.... and if I understood right.. that I may be so damaged that ... well she would have to see about the other stuff like work... and going back. I knew that... I did... I was able to not cry right there. It is one thing tho' to be making a self diagnoses and another to have a doctor say it. Deep breath here... to tell the truth I didn't want to write this right now at all but my mom said you all would want to know and she is right I know that. To be going under again... and to not know if it will help at all.... and to not know if anything ever will. To give up the idea of running and playing... ok, well, there are people that need my help, who I can help, especially now that I've been given the time. I will not stay locked in this house... I won't be stopped.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm so not ok

Why is it that Kasier has to wait until the pain meds don't work before they even see me? No don't answer that I know why. Because they are an HMO and that is the way they work. I hurt... all day... I hurt.... the pain meds are barely working at all. I don't want to go to the ER. I really don't. DAMNIT.... J.'s LSAT's are in a week why can't this just hold off until he is thru' with them??? WHY does it have to go into a crisis right this week???!!!! I am soooo sooo sooo MAD!!! He has been working his butt off, if I could just hold out just a little bit longer..... but it hurts so bad.... like something eating me alive... and and and the visions are coming in... with the drugs...visions of........doesn't matter... just drug hazed dreams... but they feel so real. Opium dreams...... Gakk I'm so sick. The kidney's, the herina, it all just hurt's inside and the tiredness of it all... more then what sleep can cure.

Sorry for all the complaining...

Friday, September 23, 2005

and I'm outta here

well I can't work. The surgery people are gonna see me on Tues. I am out of work until then... and would expect for longer because I doubt that I can work while I wait for them to get the OR place schedule. I'm on the drugs again.... and they are not really helping all that much... but I won't yet ask for a higher lvl.... yet... There is a piece of me that knows this is the end of being able to work.... there is a part of me that is detirmed that it not be.... to the point of applying for a great position in my co. Part of me accepting and part of me fighting.... if I only knew the right path.... if I could only hold out... just a little longer... but I don't think... I donno. There is a part of me that is like "ok kid, suck it up you are disabled now stop thinking you can be part of a normal workforce." There is this place between hoping for it to be better and accepting what is so you can move on.... and it is horrible to be in that place.

On the other hand ummm how clean do you think your place has to be to have someone come and clean it? I just need to start from ground zero again... it has gotten out of control while I fight my health battles... what is your opinion on this?

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I swear all I did was sneeze

and my intestine started to pop out. Yep the little hernia that the doctor saw ummm like 2 wks ago... it is much bigger now. It felt like a big piece of glass push up thru my gut into my chest and out of my skin. Nice. I know I need to call the doctor. We are on it. J. up my meds after we fought alittle bit about it. It wasn't that he didn't want me to take more, it is just that it is hard for me to find a time to call my doctor here at work with any amount of privacy so I tend not to and he didn't want to give me more without knowing it was really ok and I was just in pain and hurting and I'm not very reasonable when I'm like that.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Back again

Sorry it takes so long between post sometimes. I found it hard to get on here and complain about myself when the whole tragity in NO was happening.

But I did go to the doctors inbetween this and my last post. My blood pressure has again dropped to 90/60.... whoosh... well I havn't been taking my salt pills..... I'm so bad at taking anything on a regular basis if it wasnt' for my spouse reminding me about drinking enough water I would probably die. This time she was able to feel a small hernia.... and is sending me to a new surgent..... I can't tell you excatly how much of a blind panic this puts me into. She also cut out the Prozac, it was not helping and I was having some pretty nasty side effects and I just don't see a need for it unless I'm gonna hurt myself or someone else. I am, the pain is pretty bad. I am thinking that I maybe having to look into disabilty...... I don't know how much longer I can work..... I am stunned... and sad... but ok. I don't even know where to start tho'. I mean how poor do have to be to quailfy?

ugg have to go!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

The glass

Blown glass
Made of fire made of sand
Touch of iron
Red lines
Scorching across
The blue blue sky

Streach so thin
To make a bend
Back before the break
Rounded edge
To carass the lips
Of whatever stranger takes her

Cool down
Quiet sounds
Breath in not out
Burned skin, callous lies
About how fine it is