Saturday, April 29, 2006

This is something I wrote a while back

Stretch my wings in morning light
Brushing up against the measured glass
To see what time has brought
Every age
the hour
my crippled hands break

War inside my skin
To flee the waiting for heaven sent
Taste of glory in every breath
Still brings me no peace of mind
Hold me close while I shake the last dose
Into my beating heart

Where are these
For fools they should come
Prayers have never sufficed

Clawing at
Laying my head to pink holy tiles
Cool breeze comes with
of songs
That bear no

Reaching from behind
tries to break in
Thru' locks of tears and blood

G-d if I've
denied you one too
many times
Let your hell have me
Protect this home from my lost grasp
Take care of where I might fall
Keep your
for those I've left behind
Let all I have taken return to earth
Give your blessing to all I've cursed
Let this heavy head have rest

**Edits done by my FAVORITE editor...... MOM!

And the reason I put something so somber up is to remind myself that things are not as bad as they were that day. We have been talking on some of the prolife sites about sucide and the right to live and die. This always is of interst to me because to me it seems as if you always have the right to die. BUT had it been legel....... if assited sucide was not just something that we talked about for the termianlly ill but for anyone at anytime........ would anyone had bothered to help me in my many depressed states?? Now...... remember I have been in and out of sugery for the past 3 years it is perfectly normal, so I am told, for people to be depressed after sugery. It takes so so so much for your body to heal........ and the deeper and more invaisve the sugery AND the older you are the more it takes and the more likely you are to become depressed. So I don't mind saying I was deeply depressed. I love my spouse........ but when you are depressed it is hard hard hard to love anyone enough to hang on. I was lucky he con't to love this lazy non-working person despite all of the problems........ never getting angry, never saying "how could you", always...... ALWAYS being there. But what if I could have gone to my doctor and said I don't want to live give me enough stuff and let me go to sleep and die??? Worse...... what if after my first set of sugeries they said " You know you didn't handle sugery well, you got deppressed, we think that you should commit sucide rather then have another operation." That is what some of the prolife people are afraid will happen if the assited sucide is thought of as normal and ok. Not right away........ no first would be only those in horrible termainally and painful situtions........ but...... how long does it take to get to a case like mine..... considering how the insurance co. and admistrater have pressured doctors into cutting cost how long before my treatment isn't worth it to them?? It is something that I think about. I am for people's right to choose death.... and even to get the pills and shots to make it more comfortalbe on the way out...... but I worry at what price we the people here would pay for such a freedom.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took time...... true..... and I almost gave up (don't we all get to that place??) and just this morning I gave in to some of my right wing prolife buddies and agreed to go to a post abortive retreat ( lol I know my prochoice friends that you fear what will happen but it is MY choice to go) and then...... THE IDEA hit. Yes I know I know I get LOTS of crazy gonna make me rich/happy type ideas and then I find out how much I don't know and how impossible they are and forget about it. BUT this one is diffrent. It has a nice solid base, fits a need in the communty, can probably be started up here in my home before I need anything else. If if if I need a business loan it probably won't be a huge one. It is a GOOD idea. And no I am not telling you what it is excatly just yet. First I got to do some research and find out who and IF there is any comptition then I got to figure out how other business like the one I am think of run and then maybe copywrite the name of it...... and grab a busines license. AND I have already figure out how/who to run it..... see what have I been meeting lately but other people like me who are disabled? YES these people with bright minds and good souls who cannot do the job they once did. I am thinking that I will make it policy that we hire people who either want to work as much as SS will let them or are not disabled ENOUGH that SS will cover them. Yes this suits me very very very well. And at least at first I will have run it thru profit sharing..... hummmmm I got a friend that does accounting maybe she can help me too.... at least help me figure out the BIGGER holes in that part of the plan. I am excited. I know it isn't gonna be easy..... but it will be part of me and part of those that join me. Can we here are big YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA

Thank ya

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Next thing

Ok.... I am trying to listen here G*d, but yer not talking to loud or maybe your just not talking. I've been home for a long time now and I know you didn't want me to have that old job I had, I knew it a long time ago but it was just to scary to let it go without you shoving me out the door. I have been real good at listening to people's suggestions and while they all sound real intersting nothing sounds right for me. I know I could just try and find a job like my last job, but I am pretty sure that I can't do the physcal side of it anymore..... and I think I can hear pretty good that is a big fat NO don't do that. Everything else is just sort of sitting there...... waiting....... G*d you KNOW how much I hate not knowing what to do. I like deadlines and need guidance er and money doesn't hurt either. I know I am real good at helping people when you put them in my life, but I don't think I can make money doing it, that just feels all wrong too. So, if you wouldn't mind G*d how about alittle clue? some sign that I am at the very least on the right path? I know I am suppose to have this faith thing down and just trust but..... er you know I am REALLY bad at that too..... so if you wouldn't mind .... I mean I realize you are busy..... but if you could spare a breif little tiny bit of something I would really be grateful. Also while your at it could you please give Naamen and Naamen wife the strength and courage to go thru the brith of their new baby which I think is coming soon!

Monday, April 03, 2006

I am a walnut tree.......

LOL I was reading over here

and I am a walnut tree:
Walnut Tree (Passion) — unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

I would say that it use to be right....... I am not very jelouse anymore but I am by nature..... I am still slightly egotistic.... after all when you are responsible for the entire worlds misrey that IS a feat indeed. My spouse is a Cypress:
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) — strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what Life has to give but doesn’t necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

That is mostly true as well except for the quick temper part..... I have only seen J. lose his temper a handful of times maybe less. Well ..... unless you count on the road..... but that doesn't count because when they are all out to kill you it is hard not to lose ones temper.... lol actually he isn't too bad about that just unpleasent.

I donno how many people saw me posting over at one of the momma bloggers who seemed to be having a rough go at it this weekend. I felt and still feel she is in a dangerous place and I wanted her to leave immedately. I also know that you cannot make someone leave...... they have to want to go and she doesn't yet. It was hard for me to not say more (and I said a great deal and so did many others) because it is my instinct to help. I also know that this person cannot see how bad things are just yet....... after all I never see how bad things are when the sh*t hits the fan. Perhaps it is that blindness that keeps us all able to get up the next day. This abilty to rewrite history so things "aren't so bad" and "they" just don't get it. I will never forget Chasmyn
asking me why I didn't tell someone and let them help me when I got into an abusive relationship....... and it was hard to explain but it was caught up in a lot of my feeling as if this was my mistake and that I shouldn't invole others and that basically I had help MAKE the monster so I had to be the one to deal with it. Right? No wrong but that is the story I told myself to make it all bareable. There are so many games we play to stay in the same sh*t rather then do the work to get out of it. It is hard to extract yourself from someone that you have basically meshed with inorder to survive. All I can say is that I have never, ever, heard one person that did the work to get away regret it..... that includes me. It was quiet a fasco that last day I saw him..... in the courts ...... the murderous rage as he realized that I was gone forever, for good ...... that I was to strong for any guilt trip to ever work again. He knew any more contact with me would invole the police EVERY time from that day forward.....and I never saw him again. OOO I still hear things now and then from people..... and who knows he may hear about me as well tho' I doubt it. And when I met the man that did give me the life I wanted, full of laughter, joy, love and tenderness I was so happy that I was free and had been free for a long time so I could enjoy all the falling in love and stuff with no guilt, no shame, no darkness. I will never ever let someone talk me out of helping them as I talked so many of my loved ones from doing...... I will not forget what has happened before so that each time you tell a story you can pretend it is the first time. I won't forget, and I won't walk away, but I also will not come charging in........ I will be here for anyone, anytime, with phone numbers, encouragement, strenght and love.