Monday, January 31, 2005

between pain and addiction

I'm beginning to come out of the pain. But I've hurt a lot this past week and half or so. I can't say that I've been the most pleasant soul to live with as when the meds wear off I'm hurting and when I'm not hurting I'm high as a kite..... and there is the rub. Most people are nice when they are high but long ago I realized I'm not very nice when stoned. Not any more. It brings up all the ickyness of being helpless and alone, I sit there trying to control my world by voice alone, and of course sound like a raving lunatic bitch.

On the other hand I've had the time to read (google that or cut and paste because I still can't figure out how to link damnit). Before you go there I should warn you....... her site is dangerous. Not because it talks frankly about being an heroin addict and "working" girl although it does do that. It is dangerous because she is a wonderful writer and you will end up caring about her, and that's what I have to warn you about. Heroin kills. Those of you that know me, I've had a lot to do with NA and AA. I will tell you this, I know no old heroin addicts. I don't know any old clean ones or using ones. The oldest one I know might be 60, maybe, and I think he also has the longest time clean, like 18 yrs or something. Most heroin addicts die young. Very very young. How they die varies, but the biggest risk is that unlike other addicts (like an alcholic or speed user) if they go back out they will use their "normal" dose of heroin to get them high and their body is no longer acclimated to such a high dose. They get a lot less "second" chances to get clean then others I think. So caring about them, well it hurts like hell, because it usually means burying them as well. Just so you know.... before you go in and read it, hold on to your heart, because she is charming, engaging, and fun (as are most heroin addicts), but the chances are even with 2yrs clean that she is gonna die sooner rather then later. On the other hand if you go in and bash her for some reason, just know I will never ever forgive you. Very few make it out of where she has been so give her the respect that is due to her.

Ok on to other happier things...

So my aunt is paying for me to go to Mexico with her at the end/mid Feb. I'm sooooo happy. The doc. Said he would not sign me out to go back to work until at the very soonest the 20th and we are gonna go the 16th thru the 21 and that works out because the soonest I could go back to work on my schedule is the 22nd. YEA. I'm sooooooooo happy. I'm just gonna curl up in that southern sun and be warm!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I'm not doing this again

Just for the record what ever else goes wrong with me had better not require surgery of any kind. My body and mind can't handle it.

I'm soooo depressed. I'm trying not to be, really, nothing is that wrong. The drugs tho' make me feel like I'm just useless and the pain proves that it's true. I hate being cared for.... I do... I can't stand it, yet I need care and I'd better be nice to the person who is doing it because lets face it I have to live with him for the rest of my life. My mind is soo fuzzy. I can't think right. I hate TV. I should take my art work out.... but I'm just so tired.

Ok on to another subject...

An old friend of mine has made contact with me. How she found me I don't know, only that the internet can do wonderful things if you know how to use it. She is not sure that the me she found is me and wrote a letter asking if I was me. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me was so happy to hear from her. To hear that I mattered in someone's life enough for them to take the time to contact me again is special. BUT, but, but, I'm not that person any more. I'm not even close. And it is something that I have learned is that when you have changed as much as I have that it is hard on both you and them to have the past reopened. It can be well worth it to reignite old friendships but it shouldn't be done lightly. Tapping my fingers restlessly....... a person that I respected a great deal last words to me were "when you are ready for the lesson the teacher will arrive" so what is my past trying to teach me? and is it a lesson I want to learn? I've done everything I can to reinvent myself, to change in every way, to choose peace instead of war, mediation over action, and although these things do not come to me instinctively these are the things I strive for.....

Monday, January 24, 2005

I'm ok

I'm not going to write very much other then to say I'm ok. I had to stay a little bit longer in the hospital and I had some problems with consitapation but I'm ok. The wound is healing and I'm going to recover but I can't sit up at the computer for to long. I'll write more when/as I get better. I'm thinking of you all.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Of which I do too much

My family has celebrated this almost all my life but I hadn't quiet given it a name until this year when my father called up and said "you don't celebrate Xmas but sometimes we get gifts." It was then that I said "well we celebrate random days of giving between Dec. and Feb." Which is really more "When achromic gets her pay together and can afford to buy something then I will gladly exchange gifts" Because I like giving gifts. I do. And I don't need some regilouse meaning to want to do it. It is always a money thing. Not that we are poor but we are what I would call almost middle class (you don't get to be middle class IMO until you CAN buy a house, you don't have to buy one but you have to qualify to buy one). BUT I digress, the point is Mon. is my families day of giving, being from multipul relgious backgrounds I'm gonna bring up my new name for it and see if it flys. BUT this means that I have to go to the mall. Now around here we have lots and lots of malls, but the one closest to me is shut down. The other one only has one store in it that I want to go to. BUT the one that I hate, the one that makes me sick everytime I go in has a Target attached to it, and I needed to go to the Target. I was pretty apperhensive in going because there is something about this mall that spokes me bad and I get physically very very ill there. I decided to go anyways and immedatly started feeling the mass disorintention and the massive illness. Still I was there and I was gonna get my shit, right? I mean you would do the same right? JFC what like I don't know I'm sick...... I crawl out of there 2 hrs later with J. gift and some other stuff. I drink some water I go and get coffee. I come home, and decide I'm fine, fine enough to dye my hair and clean the kitchen (as in scrub the sink, stove and walls up to the ceiling) and now I hurt ..... not bad like sharp pain, just like hurt in the dull achy way that just seems to be getting worse and worse. I suck at being sick I just suck at it.

Look at the time

See insomnia! Great I've graduated to super stress. Actually I think I've graduated to dull aching pain or who knows both could be winners. Not that it matters much because here I am nice and awake, shower taken and I'm feeling lively. At 11pm yesterday I was sooooo tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I just had to sleep. Which is fine, I run myself short on sleep sometimes so I get days where I just bang have to sleep right now. But most people know I'm not a morning person. So getting up like this is just really unusual.

So while I laid awake for the past hr without getting up (I tried to go back asleep) I began to think more about the returning soldiers stuff. Here is what I've thought out so far. Everyone thinks their story is the truth. When you try and change someone's perception of their story they don't like it very much. One of the things that happened to me when I went out of country for a long time was my country developed a different story then I did, from what I can gather this is true for many many people. Healthy, sane people with supportive families probably have a higher rate of being able to readjust although I question long term affects especially concerning raising families and to much physiological stress. I think the danger in the short term is initial feelings of disorienting and a longing to reconcile their internal story with what is happening on the outside. Compartmentalizing which is usually seen as something to avoid in phycoiologically may actually be extremely helpful to returning soldiers. What does this mean as far as what we can do? For starters I think this should mean providing them with a safe place to return to..... I know in the past this has met the barracks or the VA hospital. Both are inadequate to met the needs of returning soldiers who want to and should be allowed to return to "normal" society. The barracks are for training soldiers and the VA is to take care of the sick/infirmed. We need a readjustment center (although there has to be a better name then that!) , this center should take on caring for the needs of all soldiers that have been in combat. The consequences of that is that it means the gov. having more control not less in these peoples lives. That has some scary Sci-Fi type scenarios playing out in my head. But I try my best to remember, they volunteered, and when they come back and are working in the cubicle next to me I want to feel safe. I don't want to see them homeless, I don't want to see them unable to work thru' the myriad of bureaucracy to get the help they need.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Better and worse

Well for those who maybe interested the bitch at work didn't affect my performance review too bad. Which made me happier. I'm done being mad about all that. So that's good.

Worse, well I talked to my friend Chasmyn (which I'd link to if I could figure that out I'm gonna have her baby step me thru' it soon) about my low blood pressure. Thinking that she knows so much about the heart because her son Quinn died of heart problems. What I thought she would say was "your worried about nothing, it's ok, just do what the doctors tell you." What I got was more like "OMG it's how low? How come your not in the hospital right now?" Her DH was concerned to and although neither one of them are inclined to suggest western medicine unless it is absolutely necessary they both wanted to make sure I demanded to see a cardiologist right away. I'm just a tad more worried now. I sort of feel like a deer with a Mac truck barreling towards me. I'm skidding on the ice in the middle of a 6 lane highway. The net is not helpful. Either things that it could be are things I have no control over, or they are extremely serious things. Dehydration and B12 levels being my top candidates I've tried to increase my water intake again (my gd how much more am I gonna have to drink) and taking more B12 even tho' it makes me pretty sick (I think I'm allergic but every time I suggest this I get poopo by the doctors). Kaiser (my insurance agency) does not make things easy for you to get B12 you have to let them give you the shot. Now I give shots every single day to critters I can most certainly give myself an IM shot in the arm every 3 weeks but no they won't do that for a monthly shot because because oh hell I don't know why as every-time I've asked I get a myriad of different answers. So I take the stuff sublingual (under the tongue) and get sick as a dog for the next hr. IT"S hard to convince yourself to take medicine that makes you sick. Also I keep thinking that if I was really running low on the stuff wouldn't show up in the myriad of blood work ups that they do on me? I mean they know that I'm vitamin deficient so they always say they are testing this sort of stuff and it always comes out very very normal. Water intake is hard, I'm drinking a lot of water, I drink at the very minim 50 oz. a day but usually it is far far more then that, that is just what I know for sure because at night I count how many bottles I drink. So that leaves other things that are pretty scary out there, heart valve problems although they listened to my heart and I think they would hear something if it wasn't working right. And a neurological problem where the brian stops telling the heart to pump correctly. Oh and Addison's disease but usually that comes with an immune deficiency problem and I don't think that is a problem. Cancer is also an option but it's an option for almost everything. Also my low blood sugar readings could be doing something to but I didn't quiet get how one would affect the other or if they affected each other. Needless to say my doctor visit on the 18th had best be a whole lot better.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Bitch Fest ahead (you've been warned)

SO so so if it wasn't enough that I'm having surgery they have found out that I have really really really low blood pressure. A couple of months ago it was sort of low and now it's really low. Any one have some extra sharp knives to shove up my nose and into my brain... ha ha just kidding.....right not funny. They don't know why it's low, they don't know why it would drop so much. They pretty much had zero on the answer scale. Big fat zero. Nice. The web is not helpful. My mom who is not known for her optimism suggested heart problems..... great..... just what I was hoping for. In the mean time because I've become a psychotic bitch (ok I probably always was one) I've made myself food sick 4 times in the past 3 days and yelled at J. about 8. How he is putting up with it I don't know. Then if that isn't enough..... as if that isn't enough, the bitch at my work decides that I'm going out and having this surgery for the hell of it, like it is some kind of vacation. And she rips me to shreds in earshot of one of my friends to other coworkers. It took all of my strength, every ounce of my control, to politely inform her that she should not talk about me in a public place where she might be over heard. Because lets face it, she's gonna talk I just don't want to hear about it. But what I wanted to do was punch her. Ohhh and if that isn't enough, I get my performance review tomorrow and I'm just sure that this bitch ripped me to shreds enough this year to really make it ugly. The sad part is I get why she is doing it, and I can't even stay mad at her for too long because I just feel sorry for her. Unfortunately what I need to do is neutralize her effect on my job and I haven't figured out how to do that yet. Hummmmmm.....

Saturday, January 08, 2005

You don't get out of this life without being human

It has occurred to me of late, with some help, that it doesn't matter how spiritual advance you are or how psychologically sound and sane you are. You still have to feel ALL of the emotions of being human. You don't get to choose to only feel the happy/good ones. Things still hurt. And hurt causes you to react with anger, hate, and all that other shit. It's like when I was a kid and I got the concept that no matter what time of day it was the stars were still up in the sky. It didn't matter if I couldn't see them. Spiritual advancement does not get you out of being human. It may/could shorten the time that you are stuck in the hurt and the pain but you will still feel it. You still make really big mistakes that f*ck things up and hurt people. Even the great spiritual leaders of the religions had to do all those things.

Friday, January 07, 2005

A world of fear

I came home tonight and my hubby had gone to work. Only I didn't remember he had to go to work tonight, so I ran thru' the house. I began to think the worse... had he perhaps in the new used car we bought him gotten broke down and was on the highway trying to get help? Had he walked out to his new car and gotten car jacked? was he then kidnapped? Did the car that we just bought, did the breaks go out and he was in hospital and no one knew how to get a hold of me? I could feel the bile in the back of my throat as I made plans to call the local hospitals. When I decided for some reason to turn on the TV first and then I reliezed it was Friday and he works Friday nights... good grief.....Kidnapped......can you believe that I thought that?

In the mean time I guess I'm trying to do my best to talk about anything absolutely anything other then talk about my surgery on the 19th of this month to repair my surgery. I'm still not sure of anything other then that is when I'm having some kind of surgery. I'm frustrated and scared. I keep thinking that if I kill myself then I won't have to be tortured by those people again. Only I'm not going to do that because if I was I would never ever blog about it. I'm just afraid and I don't think about things right when I'm scared.

Being pissed as hell is a better option then being afraid. I'm much much better at that. So I'm trying very hard not to be/get angry and lash out at people. Because people shouldn't have to pay for me being afraid. As far as I know the only one that got me in this mess was me. I ate the food, I had the genes that made every hr I didn't excirse into pounds, I chose to have the surgery, so it's all on me.

I've been trying to focus on either the care of returning soldiers or spiritual growth. Which I think in a weird way is connected. I don't know that me working on either gets me or them very far, you just don't get to know that, I mean did Beethoven understand how his music would really impact the world? But I don't think not knowning means that you stop trying. Aristotle never considered that I would still know his name in this century. Besides thinking these things gets me out of being mad and gets me out of fear. When I worry about the big problems like returning soldiers or how to deal with released pedifiles or how to change our drug laws ect. I'm not thinking gosh in a couple of days I'm gonna be so stoned and in so much pain that my body won't even register how much pain it's in and ..........and I'm just not gonna even finish that thought.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Paying for it

A friend and mine have been talking most of last week of things to do with the spirit and the mind and everything inbetween. Now, she doesn't like to talk to much upon the subject or rather she doesn't like the way I tend to gather information which can be somewhat argumentative and aggressive. (prove me wrong first then I'll think about you being right) But a lot of my thinking about what is said happens off-line and in my head. Obessivly thinking about it.... as she pointed out (why are you obessing about this? she asks). One of her suggestions was to go to a Landmark Forum class and while I mention that, this post certainly does not have to do only with that particular brand of paying for it but includes many different types/brands.

My mother first pointed out to me that I was more likely to believe in Aliens then Angels yet there was no proof of either exsitance. Her point was that I was only open minded in my own way which was not very open minded (your mother knows these things about you). My mother also pointed out that everyone has to eat no matter what they are called in life to do. So if you are a teacher and that is what you've been called to do then you still have to get food and it might as well being doing what you think you've been called to do. (mom is smart) Yet something inside of me cringe when I see people of psychology or religion wanting money. It seems wrong. It screams wrong.

Now it is true that it seems wrong on that very deep level that is beyond know why (like that stranger in the store that gives you the creeps). But I've tried to put it into words:
1) If it is the spirit and a spiritual matter then you are doing G*ds work and that should be done even if there is no money. If that means that priest and priestess have to work at a regular job then that is G*ds will. Donations should not be a forced thing, they are a gift and should never be asked for and presued as something that you have earned.
2) If you have a gift of getting people either in touch with themselves or with the universe or with G*d then please get yourself into Congress immediately. The world is going to hell, fix that first then come and talk to me.
3) The more that people really need intevention and help the less likely they are to be able to afford to get the help. The less likely the are to be able to get to any classes.
4) I 'd rather spend my money getting people food
5) Just in case you think that I only put this on religion and psychology I also don't like most learning/teaching systems in the USA and would not/ do not pay for them either. I consider myself self taught not uneducated.

On the other hand:
1) Everyone needs help and it should matter how you get that help once you recognize the need for it
2) Information is it's own crop, people grow it and then they get paid to disperse it
3) Just because I've had bad past experiences, does not mean that future experiences would be bad
4) Growth of the mind and spirit could be arguable just as important as food
5) Lots of holes in my self education perhaps there is something to be said for the more formal method

Anyways I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts on the matter.