Friday, January 07, 2005

A world of fear

I came home tonight and my hubby had gone to work. Only I didn't remember he had to go to work tonight, so I ran thru' the house. I began to think the worse... had he perhaps in the new used car we bought him gotten broke down and was on the highway trying to get help? Had he walked out to his new car and gotten car jacked? was he then kidnapped? Did the car that we just bought, did the breaks go out and he was in hospital and no one knew how to get a hold of me? I could feel the bile in the back of my throat as I made plans to call the local hospitals. When I decided for some reason to turn on the TV first and then I reliezed it was Friday and he works Friday nights... good grief.....Kidnapped......can you believe that I thought that?

In the mean time I guess I'm trying to do my best to talk about anything absolutely anything other then talk about my surgery on the 19th of this month to repair my surgery. I'm still not sure of anything other then that is when I'm having some kind of surgery. I'm frustrated and scared. I keep thinking that if I kill myself then I won't have to be tortured by those people again. Only I'm not going to do that because if I was I would never ever blog about it. I'm just afraid and I don't think about things right when I'm scared.

Being pissed as hell is a better option then being afraid. I'm much much better at that. So I'm trying very hard not to be/get angry and lash out at people. Because people shouldn't have to pay for me being afraid. As far as I know the only one that got me in this mess was me. I ate the food, I had the genes that made every hr I didn't excirse into pounds, I chose to have the surgery, so it's all on me.

I've been trying to focus on either the care of returning soldiers or spiritual growth. Which I think in a weird way is connected. I don't know that me working on either gets me or them very far, you just don't get to know that, I mean did Beethoven understand how his music would really impact the world? But I don't think not knowning means that you stop trying. Aristotle never considered that I would still know his name in this century. Besides thinking these things gets me out of being mad and gets me out of fear. When I worry about the big problems like returning soldiers or how to deal with released pedifiles or how to change our drug laws ect. I'm not thinking gosh in a couple of days I'm gonna be so stoned and in so much pain that my body won't even register how much pain it's in and ..........and I'm just not gonna even finish that thought.


Blogger chasmyn said...

(((HUG))) I love you.

12:42 AM  
Blogger Milenka said...

OMG, I had no idea that your surgery was so soon! I'm a bit slow on the uptake, I know. I will be sending many positive vibes your way and hoping you (finally!) have an easy time of it this time around. You deserve that, my friend! *hugs*

10:47 AM  

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