Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I hurt but I'm happy

Yes .... I am now feeling a general sense of well being about the world, the universe, all the people in it. I feel good and loved. I still hurt, quiet a bit actually, but I feel no panic, no anxiety. I want to hug people.... really I do... I feel no sense of urgency at all. I want to go find the guy I gave all my cash on hand the other day (it was like 3$) to and find out if he is ok, if he needs cigg., or a soda, or more money..... (hummm I guess I ought to give J. my ATM card). I know... I know I should not be feeling this way..... I know this is not me...... but I really don't care..... I should care....... I find myself drifting in and out of this world into a blank space.......... not like I did on morphine where I was out there ... I mean on morphine you are someplace just not this place..... this takes me to no place. I donno if that is good or bad... I mean bad stuff is happening to me and I need to handle it without panicking and being depressed and all that stuff.... but ..... I donno....

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I'm not sick but I'm not well

Well prozac is a very interesting little drug. The first day I took it I felt like there were helicopters in my brain, the next day I woke up in a pile of my own feces ... nice, if I wasn't depressed before I certainly began to feel so right about then. So far I have extreme nausea and hot flashes ... yummy and I thought menopause was at least another 10yrs off. And the pain? the pain if anything feels worse. BUT today I saw the surgery dude. AND he says that sure enough I'm most likely crazy as a loon. They are gonna do a CT scan just to make sure but he thinks ... now get this... that it is like an amputation I'm feeling pain for something I don't have anymore. That the muscles don't have the fat and some how that is causing pain for the fat....... I donno.... J. was there maybe he can explain more of to me later as he seemed to "get" whatever the dude was selling. In the mean time if I would just "wait a few weeks and stay on these nice drugs" MAYBE some pain relief will happen. Or maybe I will just walk in front of a BART train and end it all either way I'm sure would work for them. Oh crimmeny after he poked on me I have hurt so much today. I hurt every time I breath. I donno how I can keep going into work each day. I'm really trying to .. hang in there.... but it is getting harder and harder. When I have free time ... I just try not to move. Poor J. he married a lively fat woman that took on the whole world and then stuck around until the whole world came up with a can of whoop ass that I promptly stuck my entire body into.

I had more to say... I swear I thought of about a million things to talk about but now I have drawn a complete blank. Mostly because quiet a bit of my mind is pondering out Naamen and my last debate in which he asks me about how to describe humanity in a way that leaves out the I keep thinking on it and trying very hard not to look on the internet for what other people's answers are. It is my rules of fair play. If I argue something then it has to be either something that I puzzled out myself or if it is a fact/science/history then it should only be used as a point of reference. I like to think for myself, even if I'm totally wrong and perhaps now completely crazy. (sometimes tho' I do cheat a little bit and ask my spouse what he thinks but then I usually say "this is what my spouse thinks")

The nice part is that I don't think J. cares if I'm crazy. Only if I'm happy... and he knows I'm not right now. I yelled at him when he said "I know what your feeling..." He didn't deserve to be yelled at. It wasn't the best remark to make but it certainly was not intended to be...... well hurtful. I mean if someone yelled at me for everytime I said something stupid I would still be getting yelled at. It was just the thought of another few weeks of pain........and then if that doesn't work... how much longer will it be? You know what he did with my cloths full of feces BTW? he washed them.... didn't yell, didn't ask me why I didn't burn them (they stank), just took them out and washed them.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Prozax nation

Well so, they want me to give prozax a try. Now I'm against this for many reasons, like I donno it causes some people to become suicidal. BUT the pain is becoming so bad that I don't have much will left to argue it with them either. "They" say that it has pain relieving properties........ I donno...... maybe it does......... or maybe they just think I'm crazy and this is a nice way of giving me meds without you know coming right out and saying your nuts. But I mean how crazy is it to have 5 surgeries in 2 years and be pissed as hell because you still hurt? How depressing is it? Shouldn't you be sad if that is what has happened? If they start saying well we may have to go in again to relieve the adhesions that are causing you pain... wouldn't you be a bit upset? Is that really nuts? I mean if that is the possibility wouldn't you feel a bit like life was out of your control? I donno, I went and picked up and took one..... because I want to feel better and I donna care anymore how that happens..... and I feel like a buzzing in my head (not a buzz dude like a pot buzz) the buzzing I can feel it in my teeth. It is not pleasant and I feel very not hungry. They said to give it a week...... we shall see.

Monday, July 18, 2005

When your mom finds your blog

No I don't live at home and yes I'm old enough to swear, have sex, and even leave the country if I had the money to do it.

Man, is there anyone in the world that can make you feel like you are about two except for your mom? I suppose it was bound to happen... I wasn't hiding it or anything. And my mom, unlike most mom's is completely computer literate. You know when I was young and needed money real bad, it was never any moral compuctions about nudity that kept me from doing porn... no it is the firm belief that my mom would find out. Oy, so you know I wrote that post about how much I've been hurting..... now I told her I was in pain and that it was bad, but NOW that I wrote the WORLD about it... now it is real. AND they wondered in my teen life why had to do dramatic things in order to get attention. Man, it isn't like I posted a suicide note. I just thought people should know where I'm at because picking up the phone and hearing all the nice advice you all have to share is taxing. I donna want to keep explaining my health care situation, I donna want to have to hear about all the things I should do. I got to get thru', that is what I got to do, and I'm doing the best I can, but I'm tired all the way down to my being tired and this is one of the few places that I see as my refuge, where I donna have to play any games about how I feel or what is on my mind. Everyone is welcome here. Even my mom. But this is my place, and it does have my pain, my suffering, my brand of the family craziness, and odd political thoughts and idea's. This is my reality, bad spelling, bad english, horrible composition, etc.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I still read Newsweek

I admit that my spouse with his 24/7 love of news has made the mag. sort of pointless in my house because usually the stuff they have chosen to write about is long been discussed, fought about, and greatly debated, far more in-depth before the mag ever gets in my home. Besides that there are very few contributor to the mag that are actually worth reading. But every once in awhile there is something and this week there were two somethings. First there was a little article in the front part about a lollipop that taste like pot. Yessiribob POT, now the lollipop did not contain any pot, or any THC or any other active narcotic ingredient.... For those of you that have never partaken of pot (are there really people out there that have never done that).... pot does not taste particularly good. SO why am I harping on this.... ummm because we are gonna waste taxpayer money to ban the sale of a lollipop that doesn't taste good and contains ummm nothing. Because people are offended. We got a war going on... we got a supreme court placement which may change the face of america, we got problems in our prisons, in our social services, and we don't know what we are gonna do when we run out of oil.... but we got to spend money on a banning a lollipop who's novelty would probably have worn off if everyone had just ignored it??? Come on people.

Next thing that Newsweek had was in the very back they usually have someone like George Will write something up like he did this week. Now usually I'm not such a George Will fan... LOL .... as probably some of you can guess. BUT this week he was talking about something close to my heart. He was talking about a book that was written by a conservative on how we treat animals that are being raised for food. He was saying that most of the time conservatives don't like to look at this subject because they don't want to see animals as being valued enough to cost money to care for. He said that many Judo-christians don't see animal life as important, but then he went on to say how it was and how it did fit in with those values. YAYAYA. It is true that caring for lives we are taking to feed us would cost a lot more. I do understand that. But, here in america, we got food. I mean I'm sorry folks, but we got so much food it is making us sick. We throw it away, it is worthless to us (which aggravates me because I know good an well that there are some who are still in need of it). Personally I'm for it costing more if it really and truly means that we are giving a compassionate life to the animal and a merciful death when it comes time. I'm just not for them saying that is why they are raising the price and then it isn't true. I think that before we make more laws about the compassionate care of farm animals we need to make sure that the agency in charge of that has the ability to regulate it.... and I think that would fall under the USDA.....Which would be a problem. The USDA is under a lot of fire these days both in trying to keep terrorist out of our food supply and keeping things like Mad Cow Disease from becoming a reality for thousands of americans (which by some reports it already is). This agency is already far far far in over it's head. Under budgeted for inspectors per facility it has had to make compromises that are pretty scary. Yet... I mean if you are gonna have to inspect both cattle and research facilities hundreds if not thousands of miles away from your home I mean dudes, I would want to be paid some good cash for that. This is not a minim pay job you know? The knowledge of animals must be either at the veterinary lvl or darn close... which means years of school and/or experience. And people with that kind of knowledge are greatly desired people.... by people who can pay more then the USDA. BUT HEY you know what I can see why we need to pay lobbyist to stop pot lollipops...... I can see why I would waste my tax payer money to keep lawmakers in session over lollipops..... lollipops are REALLY important.

Friday, July 15, 2005

What is really go on

I'm stuff down the sounds of my screams. I hurt every day now. I won't let them put me on pain meds until they can tell me what is wrong and how they are gonna fix it..... so far .... they don't know. So I tell myself I must not be hurting.... that it must be in my head, I must be somehow taking the pain from inside and making it physcial. But I'm not so sure....... it is not, it doesn't seem, like that kind of thing to me.... but then again it wouldn't..... They are thinking adhensions, but I'm thinking gallstones....... I've also heard renal colic..... What ever it is the pain is driving me insane. But I can't function at my job, my life, on the drugs.... and if I can't do that then why have a life? So I go ahead and eat the pain.... I've already begun to accept that I may never ever live another day on this earth without it. That makes me sad. But it also makes me figure out how to live inspite of it. I will not feel sorry for myself... I will not take it out on those people that I love the most.... I will learn how to be happy even if I hurt. I will, because I said so and I always do what I say I'm gonna do.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Sounds of silence and blue skies

When I woke up today the bombs in London had already happened. The death toll was already beginning to spread, and survivors were beginning to tell their stories. My first instinct was "Wow I didn't know they would be so upset about the Olympics being held in London." My spouse, ever the brighter one in the household, shook his head and said "honey I don't think this has to do with the Olympics.... see they are at the G8 summit..." as Tony Blair began to speak surrounded by great world leaders. "G8? Summit?" I said, "What is that? I think I remember something...."

It is true. Even tho' I consider myself fairly well read and try and keep up on politics I had not been paying that much attention to this summit, it had not even crossed my mind and I suppose if it had I still wouldn't have thought much about it because in all honesty I would have thought they are having a meeting about how to do a lot of nothing... as usual. I didn't even realize that our president was out of country.

But even as the terrorist point out with startling accuracy about how much we don't know about what is happening around the world it was not my ignorance that struck me hard this morning that came later. No, see I drive the back roads by a major city airport every morning. At first I didn't notice it... then it was like something itching at the back of my head.... and it grew and it grew and it grew... then I looked up at the tarmat... and realized there were no planes on it... infact there were no planes anywhere... and that sound, that itch? It was silence. They hadn't said on the news that they were grounding all flights...I still haven't seen that reported anywhere... but I know what I saw and I know what I heard... Nothing... and you know when I last heard that kind of nothing? 9/11..... and it suddenly struck me all the sadness, as I stared into the blue skies...... All I could think in my silly stupid thoughts is "I'm really beginning to hate blue skies". I wish our president was as elegant a speaker as Tony Blair was after 9/11... for all of the prime ministers failings I will never forget the comfort of his speech after 9/11. I worry now what will happen... how many more innocent people will die in the wake of this tragedy.... and of course I wonder.... will "those" people come back here? are "they" sitting next to me? are our buses safe? our classrooms?

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Still here just thinking deep thoughts

Naamen asking me:

"Pro-choicers tend to want us (pro-lifers) to prove when "personhood" begins as an argument against abortion. To me, this is crazy talk. Before you kill someone, you should accept the burden of proof that the killing is okay. So, I turn the question to you: Can you prove that the unborn child does not deserve the rights and protections that we would normally give all people? If you can't prove it, then we should err on the side of life. "

But I think he skips the point of bring up personhood. We must start there because we cannot justify killing a person until we agree that it is a person. It was part of the foundation for much bigotry was the thought that "those" other "people" weren't really people. It is in-fact how much slaughter begins is the dehumanizing of the "others" who ever they happen to be at the time in history. This is part of why it has taken me so long to responded because I feel conflicted, I tried talking it out with my spouse but he so often see things in black and white that having philosophical conversation can be hard (but then then again his facts are very very solid so that is the awesome part about talking with him!). Here is what I have come up with, but I'm still not very happy with it. I believe that intelligent life deserves rights and protections of all people, prior to it becoming an intelligent viable life form while it deserves respect that should be given to ALL life it should not be protected in the same way. Why does even this disturb me? Because of course then someone is likely to say then we should kill everyone that is mentally disabled or as you are dyslexic then your intelligence is in question why shouldn't your rights be less? AND they have a point. BUT first of all I never said at what level of intelligence deserves the rights and protections and that would be actually a pretty low bar, and second people who are at an extremely low lvl of intelligence are already not afforded ALL rights or protections. Once competency is lost then you are subject to what ever whim your guardian see fit to give, like a dog, and some dogs are well treated and others are not. And some very low functioning adults are given good/great treatment and others are not... and I don't see that as being a big hot political debate.... EVER! Why? Because they don't VOTE. They don't have the right to plan their medical care, they don't have right to even go to the store and buy something when they want many times. And in the end they can't have these rights, because it is cruel to make someone that cannot figure out how to cross the street safely responsible for figuring out how to go the store, or what is good for them medically. Their guardian get to do this. SO it must be for an embryo, their guardian must be left to make the choices for them because they have not reached the threshold to gain the rights and protections, yet, that is afforded to them at another stage of development. Is it fair? IDK.... life is not always fair, but I believe it is the best thing we can do until we begin insist that all people are on BC until they are of age to consent to not being on BC. Yeah.... I thought that might raise a few hackles... and yes I do completely welcome any and all decent and challenges. Come in and change my mind...