What is really go on

I'm stuff down the sounds of my screams. I hurt every day now. I won't let them put me on pain meds until they can tell me what is wrong and how they are gonna fix it..... so far .... they don't know. So I tell myself I must not be hurting.... that it must be in my head, I must be somehow taking the pain from inside and making it physcial. But I'm not so sure....... it is not, it doesn't seem, like that kind of thing to me.... but then again it wouldn't..... They are thinking adhensions, but I'm thinking gallstones....... I've also heard renal colic..... What ever it is the pain is driving me insane. But I can't function at my job, my life, on the drugs.... and if I can't do that then why have a life? So I go ahead and eat the pain.... I've already begun to accept that I may never ever live another day on this earth without it. That makes me sad. But it also makes me figure out how to live inspite of it. I will not feel sorry for myself... I will not take it out on those people that I love the most.... I will learn how to be happy even if I hurt. I will, because I said so and I always do what I say I'm gonna do.