No everything is not ok

I didn't call anyone father's day. Not my grandpa (who deserves to be called) and not my father (who's deservedness is still in question) because I just couldn't face them. I just can't .... because after 3wks off of the pain meds... I'm back to hurting again... well actually ok I never stopped... I just wanted to stop hurting so I told myself I must be making it up. But last night I hurt so bad that I could barely breath.... so I called the doctor today and I get to take a CAT scan tommorwo and I refused the pain meds because I just can't do that route again. And tonight? I hurt. So I just couldn't call them... I just couldn't lie and say it was all ok... because it isn't and if I don't call then maybe they think I'm ok and that is better then being a problem ... I'm tired when does this stop??? I cannot keep this up they will both call eventually but for now I put it off, telling them.

In the meantime the love of my life is still broken hearted about our cat Joe.... I am too but in a muted way in comparsin. My fundemental belief about life and death, while allowing saddness for sure, also allows for a joy in the passing of one that could not be happy here.

What I'm most distressed about is Zach .... a gay teen that is being held in a christian "camp" to be rehablitated..... I am so very sad as the leader of this group calls for gays that leave LIA wanting to remain gay to kill themselves rather then be gay........ I believe Zach to be in real danger and I wish I had a better way to help him. You can go here to learn more:
http://cockamamieideasinc.blogspot.com/2005/06/love-inaction.html

and here:
http://cockamamieideasinc.blogspot.com/2005/06/jumping-jesus-on-pogo-stick.html

or here:
http://groups.myspace.com/freezach