Friday, June 03, 2005

Out of my cold dead hands

I swear.... G*d must bang my head against the stone to make me let go of something. No to say I donna leave of my own accord often enough. So many people say to me to try and stay, to learn to work in a hard place, to not have to be friends with everyone...... but I just donna think that is my way. I need what I need. Yesterday it became even more clear, I swear I could hear as clear as crystal ... "you only have a month.... if you donna find a way out by then things are gonna get bad fast." Now I'm never one to lay the blame on someone else's head.... I surely played my part in the drama that is here. But I'm not one to know how to fix things.... and as I've said to others .... this a job to me... it is not my family, it is not my life calling, it is a job that I enjoy usually but still it's purpose is to make enough money to get by. I donna want to fight for it, I don't think a job should be that way. I want to come in and do a great job and then go home. I don't like money enough to give it my soul and I'm not educated enough that the giving of it would make a startling difference (although I like to think that my work plays a small part in making people's lives better). And for better or worse I'm bone tired, I've been doing this job for 7+ years now...5+ at the same co. and I know that for some that would not be alot and perhaps if for the last two I had not been so sick it would not be so bad for me, but it is and I'm bone tired deep. Still, at one time I loved this co., and there are days where I'm so proud of it I burst, so the giving up of it is hard hard. But it must be done. It is more like a gea then wanting. I must not be too scared that I donna move. I must, I must just go and move onwards. We have made it thru' before and the otherside was never too bad. We will get J. thru' school too. With only a year to go.... somehow I will make the money stretch out.


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