Saturday, April 16, 2005

The abortion story (mine)

I had to go in tonight and get pain meds so I'm pretty high right now..... which is probably why I feel like I can write this at all. I asked my hubby man if it would bother him because it about a part of my past that he is not a part of and he said "go ahead it's your story and you can say whatever you want... I love you". And I'm very happy to say that yes he does love me, which is the only way that I could tell this is knowing that some how I made it out ok.

I've had two abortions..... one when I was 15 and one when I was 21. I will try and tell the whole story but it bleeds into other stories and that might take to much writing so I'm gonna just try and stick to this story as much as possible.

At 15 I was already pretty much a troubled teen. I had run away 3 times once all the way to NM. I had already had several boyfriends and even had one boyfriend that lived with me and my mom for a short time. I was getting straight F's in high school and I started drinking too. I found out I was preg. 2 wks before Xmas. I went PP to get tested.... they did sell preg. test in the store at that time but it wasn't as common as it is now. I thought I was preg. by this guy named Jim who as I remember was like 21 or something. I say I think because I was also sleeping with a guy named Rob, but because Rob was homeless and a drug dealer and basically had nothing I perfered to think it was Jim. (well I was 15) I told Jim and we agreed not to tell anyone until after Xmas.... I think actually until after New Years. I think the only other person that knew was my best friend Chasmyn. I remember I wanted to give the child up for adoption. I wanted that. No one else wanted that for me. When we told my mom she said under no circumstances would she allow me to give my child up for adoption.... I could keep it or give it to her or abort and that was it. She said that it would be better to abort, that I wasn't ready. I was mostly confused. I had found out about the preg. very early so I actually had to wait according to PP before they would even perform the abortion.... so I had time to think. Lots of time. Jim came by one night and tried to talk me into marrying him and having the baby but I just couldn't see myself married. I was sooo sick. I was sick at school and throwing up and they wouldn't even send me home. The biggest thing that I remember was asking my mom if it would hurt and she said no. And she lied. I can't be too mad about the lie because I had lied a lot by that time......but.....still. When I got home from the abortion my mom sent me out to shovel snow.... I wasn't suppose to be doing heavy labor but she just couldn't even look at me I guess.. I remember the bright red blood on the snow as I bled thru' the pad. I remember that afterwards I said to my mom, I'm not having any children ever.... I was so mad at her. I'm sure that at that time she thought I would change my mind.... but people soon learn with me that if I say something like that I mean it. I was sad for a long time afterwards, I wrote letters to the baby and burned them. I don't know if what was to become that cold place inside of me started then because I was already sort of messed up but it is the first time I remember feeling it.

The second abortion story is much harder to write.... I donno how... it was so awful. BUT ok I'll give it a whorl. I was living with this guy and we were doing a lot of drugs like LSD, speed, pot, and lots of drinking. We were also using condoms and had been doing so successfully for 2yrs. So I wasn't expecting to get preg. and I didn't feel preg. until I was 2-3 months along. I had always been irregular so it wasn't uncommon for me to skip also not eating can cause that too. Bill was/is a pedophilia... and I thought if I stayed with him I could stop him from hurting kids... I let him do things that hurt me a lot to try and keep him from hurting kids. I would let him beat me just so he wouldn't go out and try and find some kid. But as most of you know.... that is a lie, you don't stop someone with that kind of sickness and the lie that they tell you that you are stopping them is one of the ways they manipulate you. All I can say in my defense is that by the time I figured a lot of this out I was so addicted to the drugs and so alone and isolated that I just didn't know what to do. He told me he would kill my family, often, just to get me to stay. When I found out I was preg. he beat me that day to try and force a miscarriage. Then later like most abusers turned around and said he wanted the baby and he was sorry. I knew by that time that he was/had/is sleeping with his own mother. I knew in my heart of hearts that this baby was in a world of danger. BUT that isn't what made me choose an abortion because I could feel the baby by this time.... and I wanted the baby by this time.... I loved this baby. No what made the choice in cement was I went to get food stamps because I was hungry and I knew I need to eat for the baby.... and see, I didn't know about food banks or free kitchens yet (so stupid so stupid I should have known!) and they wouldn't give out emerancy stamps so I had to wait a week for them to come in the mail....... and the whole week I starved. I could feel the baby was hungry..... I had no fat on me at that time the speed had made me very thin....there was nothing extra there. I remember cradling that child with my arms around my belly saying I was sorry. EVEN SO... I remember the clinc because the worker there was so kind and let me cry on her a lot. I remember them putting me on the table and I remember even then I wanted to scream nonononono don't take this baby from me but I just thought "I can't feed myself how will I feed another?".

I suppose some will tell me how I could have done things different.... and I suppose I could have.... it took me another 2 yrs to get completely away from Bill my abuser....I still have PTSD from that, which I have had a very little bit of counseling on but not much. I have said that I don't think Bill would have given up custody of a child.... you will just have to believe me that I know him well enough to say that. He liked to keep things/people that he believed he owned. I don't tell my story as a prochoice or prolife stance..... I've really tried not to... I just wanted to tell it like was, to the best of my memory. I'm sure I left things out, and that I probably need to clarify some points but this is a start. Ok kids..... lay it on me, say what you will I want to hear it even if I don't like it.


Blogger GrannyGrump said...


Thanks for telling your stories. I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make anything any better for you. But you surely do deserve better than what life has dealt you. Hang in there!

2:28 AM  
Blogger GrannyGrump said...

You know, achromic, as I read and re-read your stories I'm not filled with, "Well you COULD have...." I'm filled with a sense that you were just let down by people around you at every turn. You had to have had problems at home to be running away and failing in school and getting involved with such men at such a young age. And I get a sense that there are so many young girls now out there in bad circumstances and how do we reach them. How do we find them to show them how to grow and thrive instead of running headlong into more hurt? And there's no easy answer for that.

And the second abortion -- even though your own life was a wreck you were at least trying to protect children by keeping an abuser occupied... you have such a good heart, and you had nobody to help you find a way to be effective in the world with that heart. It really sucks.

I'm praying that you find a way to get free from all the trouble with your body, so you can give that heart of yours wings. Or maybe somehow you can give your heart wings despite the problems with your body.

I'm glad you have a husband now who loves you. (((HUGS))) And I'm glad you wandered into the corner of cyberspace where I hang out!

2:41 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

Thank you for telling your story. I know this took courage and a great deal of energy.
My thoughts are not about how you could have done anything differently. My thoughts are about you and your difficulties and your courage and stamina. I am sad for the absence of kindness and tenderness earlier in your life.

10:19 AM  
Blogger ashli said...


tons of courage, cookie. you did it! i know it took a lot out of you. thanks for baring your soul.

reading your story... i'm angry. flipping livid. you were let down. you were robbed. a pattern of being used and thrown away, it seems. running from the pain, not knowing your tremendous value, not knowing you deserved better... mebbe i'm being presumptuous.

i admit, i WAS trying to think of the alternatives, because, particularly, i could sense that you loved each of your children (willing to adopt out, cradling and crying, etc.), and i wanted to save you... them AND you... because a mother can not separate her life from the life of her child...

she can try. she can cut off the circulation of love and hope that part of her heart, the part that belongs to her children, will deaden, shrivel up, and fall off so the "survival" can resume.

you loved your children. it's so obvious. hopelessness and despair theived them from your life, stole those babies' breath. and now you're your stuck knowing what you know, feeling what you feel. whatever it is, whatever it means to you.

man, i'm angry. surges of despair.

it seems everyone you cared about let you down. robbed you of your innocence, your youth, your heart, your children...

i know it's cliche, but honestly, really and truly...

you deserved better.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Ann Marie said...

Tears are falling from my eyes for were so young and as everyone else wrote you were abandoned from those who were suppose to protect you...

As a mother who took the life of her own child by the means of legal abortion....I feel your pain...I feel your want in your heart for your children...I feel your despair...because I know it...I too wanted my baby but felt I had no where to turn...

Reading your story I bet all of us who support will in our hearts feel we are all so much more closer to you because you have shared your pain with us...

It was and is a brave thing to share your story...I wish I were there to just hug you like you have never been hugged before and not let go...

You are always in my thoughts and prayers....((((achromic))))

3:02 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

You know, I was afraid to come over here and read your story. I knew you to be a woman with a very tender and good heart and somehow I suspected that if I read your story it would make me (1) mad and (2) cry. And I didn't want to be mad and weep on this Sunday evening.

But I am weeping and I am so, so angry that no one was ever there for you to protect you and your beautiful mother's heart.

Partially, though, my tears are (I hope this doesn't sound weird) joyful because it truly amazes me after reading what you have endured that you have managed to come through all this with your loving, tender heart intact. A true testament to the strength of the human spirit.

Please accept huge, huge cyberhugs from me.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Emily said...

How are you doing this morning? I know the first few times I told (typed, spoke) my story, my psyche went into a black place for a few days, even though ultimately it is an important part of healing to tell the story.

6:25 AM  
Blogger Butterfly15eme said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I couldn't help but feel a sense of you being a kindred spirit. I thought at moments that your story was my story... the abuse, running away, drugs, abusers (and hoping to save them), non-support by family... I too want to echo what Emily said about feeling exposed or vulnerable after sharing... I can still feel this when I share. It's not easy. I remember what someone said to me: let yourself become transparent, don't be afraid and don't be afraid to let others love you. Peace and blessings to you. Know that you are held up by the strong arms of love.

4:56 PM  
Blogger Naaman said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Truly, you have been through the fire, and it has tempered you.

Like others, any feelings that I might have about your decisions to abort are lost in an overwhelming tide of anger and disappointment for all of the people who screwed you. Ashli is right; you & your children deserved better.

4:00 AM  
Blogger GrannyGrump said...

achromic, I forgot to thank you and praise you for your courage in inviting us here to read your story when you know how strongly we disapprove of abortion, and you were steeling yourself to be chewed out by us. You've got guts, girl!

6:24 AM  
Blogger Shylah said...


I think what you need to hear (and, from the comments I've read, what you're hearing) is that even though you may have had no one to support you back then, you have lots of people now who love you and support you. Your husband sounds like a wonderful guy, and you've got all your friends in the computer who will be here to listen. The choices you made were hard ones, and ones that I'm sure still cause you some pain, but I believe you made the choices that were best for you and those babies. That's all that matters. You did the very best you could, and anyone who asks more of you isn't worth your time.

2:35 AM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Achromic, I am at a loss for words. {{{{{achromic}}}}}

I need to cry, with you and for you, but the tears won't come. I hear so much that reminds me of me in your story, and I also hear your love for your children, and my heart breaks.

How did we ever come to this? Why, when we are practically children ourselves, do they put the decision of life and death in our hands this way? You were a bit of a girl, just fifteen years old, and your back was up against the wall - nowhere to turn. This should not have happened, to you or anyone.

Okay, here come the tears at last. Dear Achromic, I am so sorry... Thank you for sharing your story with us. It took courage, and will continue to take courage, but your dear heart is up to the challenge.

7:13 AM  
Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

Here I was, all ready to post a comment ... and everything I was going to say has already been said!

Petty people judge, and only truly miserable people go out of their way to tell you you're wrong.
None of the above commenters have judged you. :) You've found some good friends.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Annie said...

Oh, achromic...I am at a loss too, like Silent Rain Drops...You endured what no one should ever have to endure. you are an amazing person, to be able to tell this to anyone, to us...I am so glad you have survived this...had I been in your shoes, esp. for the second one but even for the first, I know I would have done just as you. For you, it is all the more gut-wrenching, because you really didn't want to have either abortion. All I can say is what gave me great comfort, from our now gone pope:

" not give in to discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly. If you have not already done so, give yourself over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace...You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child..."

In many ways, achro, I think you're already "there."

I cry for you, for your babies, for your loss, and for what you didn't lose, as Emily said: your great heart and open mind. I pray that you will be blessed by God with many good graces and love, the rest of your life.

10:59 AM  
Blogger achromic said...

The love and stuff that I have gotten... I cry everytime I read it.... you know I think this is the thing.... I think I'm actually begining to see the other side of things.... not to say that I would ever be ok with makeing laws against aboriton.. I don't believe in that... but I'm begining to understand that we do need to make other options more avilable and more attractive then abortion. The more I think about all this the more I see some of the long term affects that it had on me. I think about a friend of mine who choose adoption instead of abortion twice. I donno, you can't take back the past and I love that I have a great hubby and stuff now... but I do wonder if ... you know just if...

11:53 AM  

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