Saturday, March 26, 2005

Oh ugggg

So well they did all this cat scan stuff right, and I have a huge fucking ass stone sitting in my kidney and it is moving around in there causeing G*d knows what kind of damage so they want to do something but I got to go in an talk to the doctor because they you know won't discuss that sort of thing over the phone. It was big enough that the actual doctor called me and although he was trying to sound all casual like that was not the impression that he left me with (it is SAT. that he called after all and twice at that). Uggggggg.

So you know I'm taking this salt pills right? and I'm feeling better right? and I should just be happy with that. But no. I get on the scale and for the first time in 2 yrs I've gain 6 lbs. and it is making me crazy. I want to stop taking the pills, which is insane, because they are helping me. People tell me I look better that don't even know about them, and I still feel fat. Now I'm still in a size 4 and I'm feeling fat. I'm so sick. In the head, sick. Because I feel like a fat pig, because I've gain 6 lbs and I'm afraid that tommorwo I will be over 200 lbs again. My boobs are starting to look like boobs again, heck that is atleast where some of the water and wieght is going, and I should be happy about that all I'm feeling is panic. I'm hungry now too, and eatting again you know more then I was. And I'm all alone in here because most of my friends can't know or get any of this. Maybe I need to go find Milenka.......... ugg reaching out for help sucks, I hate it. I love you guys but I hate asking for help when I'm feeling bad. Gack, blah, thhhhhupptttt.

14 Comments:

Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

6 pounds is wonderful! Wonderful!
I have an inkling of where you're at. Although I've never been more than 50 or 60 lbs over what's healthy for me, I know where your mind is right now. Because I've been there.

6 pounds is good. And you know it in your head. You know it because you feel better. And you know that, thanks to your surgery, you'll never be where you once were.
I so admire you for being able to take on the risks of surgery to help yourself. It's so much easier to pretend that everything's fine.
And now you get to learn a whole new way of thinking. You get to trust that your body is sending the right signals. I know how scary that is.
I'm here for you.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Shylah said...

The whole purpose of the program Shaunta and I are doing is to get you to a point where you eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full. Your body knows how much you need to weigh in order to be healthy, and will give you signals to indicate such.

If you can learn to trust your body, you'll see that it will regulate perfectly. Your body needed more water in it, and is responding in a healthy, GOOD WAY to having that water - you said yourself that you feel better, so the salt pills are doing a GOOD thing for you.

Anyhow, all that aside, I know how you're feeling. I know that you're terrified of ending up where you were when you started all this, with nothing to show except a myriad of new problems to go along with it. It's scary, and there's nothing wrong with that fear. I just hope you won't let it consume you and turn you in the opposite direction.

11:56 PM  
Blogger Milenka said...

*hugs*

I totally understand how you feel, sweetie! A healthy self-image is something I just cannot seem to grasp. I freak out over any gain or even lack of loss at this point. And, hey, if you want to talk or vent or whatever, you know I'm here!

9:37 PM  
Blogger achromic said...

I love you all a lot. I mean it. A whole bunch.

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