I can't fix what I've broken
This has been always true for me. So I try not to break things, but of course I do.
I don't really know what to write anymore. What is really bothering me I can't write about here because the person who it is about might get more hurt and angry and I just don't like hurting people. (but then I do write about it, jeesh I must hate myself) It seems odd that I can have good conversations with right wing religious pro force birth people and not one of my good friends. We get along fine in person and on the phone and stuff, but every since this IMing thing started it has been one hurt feeling after another (mine get very hurt, IDK about hers and I'm not trying to speak about hers just mine). I want to stop IMing but she wants to work it out and I just think that is crazy because I'm not sleeping and I feel crazy depressed and hurt by it all. It's like asking me to keep putting my hand into a fire and letting the fire burn away the flesh over and over again. IDK what to do..... she is someone I love a lot so I keep putting my damn hand in because I'm like that, but then I resent the hell out it because I keep getting hurt. I keep saying to myself we are two reasonable adults surely we can communicate without hurting each other (if she is hurt which I donno if she said that she was and I don't want to put words in her mouth). If I thought it was helping I'd keep putting my hand in, because I'm like that. But I'm not strong right now, and I'm not sleeping and I'm crying a lot and I feel like I can't breath sometimes because this all hurts so much. I know that it is my choice to hurt, to let pain be here, but I haven't figured out how to turn it off other then to just turn it all off. I NEVER said I was well, I never claimed to be sane, I even warn people of the opposite.
I don't really know what to write anymore. What is really bothering me I can't write about here because the person who it is about might get more hurt and angry and I just don't like hurting people. (but then I do write about it, jeesh I must hate myself) It seems odd that I can have good conversations with right wing religious pro force birth people and not one of my good friends. We get along fine in person and on the phone and stuff, but every since this IMing thing started it has been one hurt feeling after another (mine get very hurt, IDK about hers and I'm not trying to speak about hers just mine). I want to stop IMing but she wants to work it out and I just think that is crazy because I'm not sleeping and I feel crazy depressed and hurt by it all. It's like asking me to keep putting my hand into a fire and letting the fire burn away the flesh over and over again. IDK what to do..... she is someone I love a lot so I keep putting my damn hand in because I'm like that, but then I resent the hell out it because I keep getting hurt. I keep saying to myself we are two reasonable adults surely we can communicate without hurting each other (if she is hurt which I donno if she said that she was and I don't want to put words in her mouth). If I thought it was helping I'd keep putting my hand in, because I'm like that. But I'm not strong right now, and I'm not sleeping and I'm crying a lot and I feel like I can't breath sometimes because this all hurts so much. I know that it is my choice to hurt, to let pain be here, but I haven't figured out how to turn it off other then to just turn it all off. I NEVER said I was well, I never claimed to be sane, I even warn people of the opposite.
posted by achromic at 4:57 PM
3 Comments:
I don't have good advice or even bad assvice, but I can offer *hugs* and a friendly ear if you need it... :-)
Milenka
Thanks Milenka, your hugs are good things. It really helped me get thru, just coming back and reading that.
I know how terribly difficult it is to communicate online. The only thing you have to convey your feelings are letters and a few well=placed "emoticons". It makes it really tough to get your true meaning across. Keep your chin up, hon.. I think that as you start to feel better, you'll find it a little easier to make yourself understood. I'm here too.
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