Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I'm not doing this again

Just for the record what ever else goes wrong with me had better not require surgery of any kind. My body and mind can't handle it.

I'm soooo depressed. I'm trying not to be, really, nothing is that wrong. The drugs tho' make me feel like I'm just useless and the pain proves that it's true. I hate being cared for.... I do... I can't stand it, yet I need care and I'd better be nice to the person who is doing it because lets face it I have to live with him for the rest of my life. My mind is soo fuzzy. I can't think right. I hate TV. I should take my art work out.... but I'm just so tired.

Ok on to another subject...

An old friend of mine has made contact with me. How she found me I don't know, only that the internet can do wonderful things if you know how to use it. She is not sure that the me she found is me and wrote a letter asking if I was me. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me was so happy to hear from her. To hear that I mattered in someone's life enough for them to take the time to contact me again is special. BUT, but, but, I'm not that person any more. I'm not even close. And it is something that I have learned is that when you have changed as much as I have that it is hard on both you and them to have the past reopened. It can be well worth it to reignite old friendships but it shouldn't be done lightly. Tapping my fingers restlessly....... a person that I respected a great deal last words to me were "when you are ready for the lesson the teacher will arrive" so what is my past trying to teach me? and is it a lesson I want to learn? I've done everything I can to reinvent myself, to change in every way, to choose peace instead of war, mediation over action, and although these things do not come to me instinctively these are the things I strive for.....

4 Comments:

Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

It could be that this person isn't who they were back then also. It could be that life thinks it's time to revisit your past. And it could be that this person has contacted you because they need something that only you can give. (Awesome responsability, yuck!)

Although, with your pre-surgery stress, and post surgery misery; it's most likely this person contacted you because they have something to give.

Not that my humble opinions make your decision any easier :)

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