between pain and addiction

I'm beginning to come out of the pain. But I've hurt a lot this past week and half or so. I can't say that I've been the most pleasant soul to live with as when the meds wear off I'm hurting and when I'm not hurting I'm high as a kite..... and there is the rub. Most people are nice when they are high but long ago I realized I'm not very nice when stoned. Not any more. It brings up all the ickyness of being helpless and alone, I sit there trying to control my world by voice alone, and of course sound like a raving lunatic bitch.

On the other hand I've had the time to read http://heroinegirl.blogspot.com/ (google that or cut and paste because I still can't figure out how to link damnit). Before you go there I should warn you....... her site is dangerous. Not because it talks frankly about being an heroin addict and "working" girl although it does do that. It is dangerous because she is a wonderful writer and you will end up caring about her, and that's what I have to warn you about. Heroin kills. Those of you that know me, I've had a lot to do with NA and AA. I will tell you this, I know no old heroin addicts. I don't know any old clean ones or using ones. The oldest one I know might be 60, maybe, and I think he also has the longest time clean, like 18 yrs or something. Most heroin addicts die young. Very very young. How they die varies, but the biggest risk is that unlike other addicts (like an alcholic or speed user) if they go back out they will use their "normal" dose of heroin to get them high and their body is no longer acclimated to such a high dose. They get a lot less "second" chances to get clean then others I think. So caring about them, well it hurts like hell, because it usually means burying them as well. Just so you know.... before you go in and read it, hold on to your heart, because she is charming, engaging, and fun (as are most heroin addicts), but the chances are even with 2yrs clean that she is gonna die sooner rather then later. On the other hand if you go in and bash her for some reason, just know I will never ever forgive you. Very few make it out of where she has been so give her the respect that is due to her.

Ok on to other happier things...

So my aunt is paying for me to go to Mexico with her at the end/mid Feb. I'm sooooo happy. The doc. Said he would not sign me out to go back to work until at the very soonest the 20th and we are gonna go the 16th thru the 21 and that works out because the soonest I could go back to work on my schedule is the 22nd. YEA. I'm sooooooooo happy. I'm just gonna curl up in that southern sun and be warm!