Staisis

or however that is spelled. I can't get better yet I'm not getting sicker.... that darn piece of stone won't move.... and I'm still high so much I can't see straight and trying to keep my job ect. On the other hand there must be an air of attrative vunreblety to me as the MEN have been all over me like hot potato's, which is funny and yet creepy all at the same time. All I can say is I married the right man because he says stuff like "I can't wait for you to be better we are gonna have so much fun" and never whines about my limitations or anything like that. I beleive with all my heart that J. loves me more when I'm not sedated by strong drugs, which for me is pricless because lets face it, I have a temper of thunderstorm on a bright sunny day in the midwest and the voice that puts harpies to shame (tho' I'm not a fan of vile languge). Although people have called me kind with a sense of humor they also have called me cold hearted and vengeful all which is true. I'm still learning to be honset..... still, and everytime I think I've got it and I won't be scared of the consquenses I mess up again and get scared and try to make it all better usually by makeing things worse. But it's getting better (mostly because my hubby is a great exsample and doesn't ever make me feel shameful of my actions).

What I want most right now is for my friend from the East coast to come visit me. I donno if she will but I swear every time I talk to her on line she has a way of sending hope .... I donno how she does it because it isn't what she types, but it is like a serious hug. I would wish for my friend from the North to visit too..... but she is busy making a baby and the only reason for her to come here would be if something was major wrong so I'd rather she just stayed up there. My very best friend here (which is still a newer friendship) has just been awsome... forgiving me for not fessing up right away to dinging her car.......... I swear I love her....... and I have agreed to pay for everything to make it right.... but I was so happy that she didn't stay mad I mean she forgave me right away not even a sec' of whys or anything just an "it's ok we will work it out I forgive you". LOL I hope I can learn to do that one day.

Still thinking a lot about stuff moral type stuff.... I have a feeling that I can't stay too much longer either with the grp in my co. ........... and that may lead to leaving the co. and that would be hard because of the money and benifits. I'm getting the gots to goes really really bad. G*d wants me doing something else....... and I donna want to go........ I donna even know what G*d wants I just know that this feeling when it comes means I got to do something about it....... maybe I have a year ..... maybe....... but it could happen sooner..... agggggg I know not much sense..... maybe I will go into it more next blog.