Saturday, May 28, 2005

Strength returning

I suppose it is only when everything is completely out of your hands that you finally give up and let a high power come in. Perhaps one of the lessons of having a hard time is so that we can be amazed by the power of a higher power. I have over the past few months.... um years now..... struggling with my higher power and sharing it with no one. No one at all.

I donno what I would have done had I not stumbled upon the pro-life site...... why? Because I disagreed with them enough to think. Forcing me to even in my haze to try and sound somewhat sensible ( tho' they might at times disagree). Yet open enough to see...... to be surprised that what I once took as their hate, was actually urgency and love. And while I disagree with some of what they do and some of what they want I see that the there is far far more that we can agree on. This eye opening thing is not human...... we are both strong sides here...... we all like to be totally right..... I found myself hearing many ways that we could come together. Never probably completely..... but that abortions should be rare (by choice), that they should safe when they do happen, that all possible side effect should be talked about, other avenues discussed, and that signs of abuse and pressure should be one of the main focuses of any facility that performs these types of operations, this is good. It could really help people. At the same time shoring up our adoptions laws so that children stay in the homes that they consider home and are not ripped into tiny emotional pieces. Figuring something.... and I sure donno what to do about our foster care system is something that we need to do as well. BUT it is a sure thing that the politicians do not want us to do..... I mean if we are sitting around just bickering about life and death we sure aren't making change and they love status quo.

On wards....... anyways this past week I almost lost my job. I was sick and have been sick almost 6 months and on heavy drugs of one type or another for 3 wks straight (and on and off for months and months). I thought heavily about not being here anymore. I just felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so depressed and unhappy. Although I will say my hubby was doing his best to get me to hang on. I probably would not have survived without him. He is an incredible source of strength for me. But he is not a higher power. Sunday my co. went on a retreat.... and I had to room with an old boss of mine that I have always liked. It was almost like G*d knew I was breaking and sent her in. She kept talking to me about having faith and trusting that whatever happened was going happen and somehow it was gonna work out the way it was suppose to. She prayed a lot. Monday night I hurt and hurt a lot. I wasn't sure yet but I thought I might be passing that horrible piece of stone. Tuesday I hurt and hurt. In the mean time my old boss started pulling strings..... I donno how she does it.... I donna want to know. By Weds. the last half day of the retreat I'm beginning to feel better. Thurs. the talks from my currant bosses have changed.... ummm they were wrong I was right would I please just forget about the whole thing??? LOL I kid you not. Thurs. night the X-rays are in and the stone is gone.... the pain I'm left with should be gone in the next couple of days ... start stepping down on the meds. Friday I get all the messages of prayers from all my good hearted friends .... which I swear .... I felt all this week even tho' they only started on Fri. (but you know G*d knows stuff so I think he may have just forwarded those back in time.... I mean he is G*d so he can do that stuff). Well so, I still have to detox.... I hate this part of things......... but I'm feeling pretty good about it. I will probably still look for another job because ummm in my experience bosses do not like being told they are wrong much less having to say to me they are wrong so I won't probably stick around too long (besides G*d wants me someplace else and I'm not waiting around again for him to make things urgent oh no I will just mosey onwards and find out where I'm suppose to be) but at less OMG things are gonna fall apart. And surprisingly I'm beginning to feel that I should be trusting what G*d or a higher power wants......even tho' I donna understand why his plan can't include me winning the lotto (er I never play) and becoming fabulous rich. Perhaps all the hard times are so that you can make your way back to having some hope/faith in something or atleast have the opportunity to believe in something. Someone once said to me that you only see miracles if you want to.


Blogger Annie said...

"all the hard times are so that you can make your way back to having some hope/faith in something or atleast have the opportunity to believe in something."

So true, Achro. "You got to go through hell before you get to heaven."

- Stevie Miller Band.

9:13 AM  
Blogger GrannyGrump said...

Hugs and some giggles, achromic, because you sound a lot like I was spiritually a quite a while back. My version of "The Sinners Prayer" was more, "Well, I've totally ****ed up my life. I defy even YOU do **** it up worse. Go ahead! Hit me with your best shot! YOU run this show! Go ahead! Go for it!"

Well, He's had a hold on me ever since.

7:09 AM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Achro, you amaze me with your strength, and your insight. I keep you in my prayers.

3:34 PM  

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