Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I may like you but not your religion

Lately I have come to realize that I just cannot come to terms with the Christian religion. I tried to over come my prejudices and I even took up reading some parts of the bible with Naamen. But the more I read and the more I thought about the more it seemed to me like a horrible abusive relationship. I don't understand what people get out of it...... and at this point I am done trying to see their side of things. Some things are so morally repungent to me it takes all my strength not burn every single bible I come across. In my eyes this book and the interpations of it are so misguilded, evil, and wrong that I find myself seriously wondering if the people who belive in it are mentally insane. I know I know that some of you will find what I am saying to be horrible. Even my friends who are not christian are probably wondering what happen. The thing is nothing happened except that one person that I thought goodly of started talking about the bibles and gays....... this person did so months ago and I have been trying to come to terms with it now for some time. But I find myself as if one of us suddenly stumbled on a tribe of canniblist...... appalled, horrifed. No matter how many times I tell myself that they are of a diffrent culture and that everyone has a right to their culture I cannot get over the fact that the christian communty wants not only to control their house but mine and everyone else too. I find that no matter how much I try to understand them that I still can work up no sympathy with their causes or their desires. I have found some good people inside, stuck to a religion, and many times it smacks of brainwashing instead of faith. I know I maybe SHOULD keep trying to be open minded.........I will try to be kind........ and that will just have to do.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Naming things

I did something nice for a guy that is a milatary doctor. And then he did something nice in return. He is a special doctor with lots of training in caring for people that have been doing things I don't want to think about. I don't ask much more then that because I suspect he can't tell me some stuff and I don't want him to lie or say he can't tell me. But anyways..... we talked about what was going on...... and then out of the blue he says "you hate them" and suddenly I knew it was true. I hate all those doctors...... even the ones that haven't done anything to me. I keep trying not to hate them because I am afraid if I hate them they won't help me. And it has led me into this cycle of ...... denile and unablity to communcate with them. But once he SAID it....... once he named what was going on in my head...... then I could see why every conversation with a doctor led to me feeling worse, confused and bitter. I know lots and lots of people that CAN hate....... I can't. It is posien to me. When I hate things I go into self destruct........ and I have been doing that for a bit now even tho' I was not doing anything outwardly to show that I was. I have no good ways of dealing with anger..... I mean I really don't. But now that I know what I am doing I can start dealing with it. I will start with prayer...... I know that sounds strange but so far it is the only thing I can see working ...... pray that they will not make the same mistakes with others that they have made with me....... pray for them to have clear vision, steady hands, and clean work places. Pray that they need to harm no one else to learn how to do what they do better. It is the only thing I ever found to help with hate...... I mean my hate is SSOOOO deep...... I never figured out how to forgive. I never figured out how to stop plotting vengene and and........ it is just not good thing. I donno ........ how do any of you handle hate and fear? what do you do when you need the very people that you hate and fear to help you?

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Doing my best to pretend

That I am ok. I think I am physcally the herina at least has stayed reduced and the pain has gone down. Inside in my head...... not so good. It isn't as bad as it was on some of the crazy type drugs or anything..... but I am almost afraid to move some days. Afraid....... of everything. I don't know how to be happy anymore....... I don't know what that looks like..... I just live in fear of more pain.... every day every breath every moment. It is........ totally crazy. I know that. I know. I can't handle critsim without crying...... I can't handle sympathy without crying. I just stay huddled up to my computer....... doing a lot of nothing. BUT....... I am trying to stop that.

Here is how.

I went and bought more herbs to put in my garden out back
At the same time I bought a sander and am planning on sanding some furiture my aunt doanated to the cause and painting it in cute pictures.
I am still going to the gym 3 times a week...... I need to go more but.......
I am trying to do the next thing and the next thing and the next thing

And that is all. It seems like a small list. But it is all I have right now. Small things. I have a therpist...... I have group thing I go to for ppl that have chronic pain issues.