Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I'm not sick but I'm not well

Well prozac is a very interesting little drug. The first day I took it I felt like there were helicopters in my brain, the next day I woke up in a pile of my own feces ... nice, if I wasn't depressed before I certainly began to feel so right about then. So far I have extreme nausea and hot flashes ... yummy and I thought menopause was at least another 10yrs off. And the pain? the pain if anything feels worse. BUT today I saw the surgery dude. AND he says that sure enough I'm most likely crazy as a loon. They are gonna do a CT scan just to make sure but he thinks ... now get this... that it is like an amputation I'm feeling pain for something I don't have anymore. That the muscles don't have the fat and some how that is causing pain for the fat....... I donno.... J. was there maybe he can explain more of to me later as he seemed to "get" whatever the dude was selling. In the mean time if I would just "wait a few weeks and stay on these nice drugs" MAYBE some pain relief will happen. Or maybe I will just walk in front of a BART train and end it all either way I'm sure would work for them. Oh crimmeny after he poked on me I have hurt so much today. I hurt every time I breath. I donno how I can keep going into work each day. I'm really trying to .. hang in there.... but it is getting harder and harder. When I have free time ... I just try not to move. Poor J. he married a lively fat woman that took on the whole world and then stuck around until the whole world came up with a can of whoop ass that I promptly stuck my entire body into.

I had more to say... I swear I thought of about a million things to talk about but now I have drawn a complete blank. Mostly because quiet a bit of my mind is pondering out Naamen and my last debate in which he asks me about how to describe humanity in a way that leaves out the unborn..........so I keep thinking on it and trying very hard not to look on the internet for what other people's answers are. It is my rules of fair play. If I argue something then it has to be either something that I puzzled out myself or if it is a fact/science/history then it should only be used as a point of reference. I like to think for myself, even if I'm totally wrong and perhaps now completely crazy. (sometimes tho' I do cheat a little bit and ask my spouse what he thinks but then I usually say "this is what my spouse thinks")

The nice part is that I don't think J. cares if I'm crazy. Only if I'm happy... and he knows I'm not right now. I yelled at him when he said "I know what your feeling..." He didn't deserve to be yelled at. It wasn't the best remark to make but it certainly was not intended to be...... well hurtful. I mean if someone yelled at me for everytime I said something stupid I would still be getting yelled at. It was just the thought of another few weeks of pain........and then if that doesn't work... how much longer will it be? You know what he did with my cloths full of feces BTW? he washed them.... didn't yell, didn't ask me why I didn't burn them (they stank), just took them out and washed them.


Blogger Naaman said...

Jiminy, don't worry about debating with me. I mean, it sounds like you have bigger things on your mind at the moment. :(

Still, as long as you want to keep going, I'll keep going. Maybe we'll learn something from each other. :)

One more thing ... J sounds like a seriously great guy. It's a good thing that you found each other.

6:05 AM  
Blogger Val said...

Achromic, I just want you to know how much I appreciate "listening into" your thought processes...
Hang in there!
Chronic pain really sucks (sorry, no profound thoughts from me at the moment, I'm at work!)

12:30 PM  
Blogger She Dances in Dragon said...

So, let me get this straight... your surgeon thinks your body hurts because it's missing it's fat?
I know loneliness can be painfull, but isn't that a bit extreme? (not to mention ridiculous)
Maybe the surgical traumas combined with the rapid weight loss and (possible) vitamin deficiency sparked an autoimmune disorder. Like fibromyalgia or cfids.
Maybe you're in pain simply because you're in pain. From what I've heard about you from Chasmyn, you're not the kind of person to just go crazy one day and decide you'd like to hurt for the rest of your life. (sigh)
On a less snarky note, I know several chronic pain sufferers. Most of them spent years trying to find a doctor who could give them a diagnosis. Frequently they were told "it's all in your head", until they found a physician who would listen and actually treat them. So don't give up! You're not alone!

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