Feeling Good

Hey folks, I'm feeling pretty good if a bit tired. It is somewhat disturbing to know that I'm a pain regiment that is equal to a cancer patient. I mean WOW..... I knew that the light meds were not taking care of things.... but I didn't realize how much I needed to get my pain lvl down (not all the way gone just down), but I actually have hrs where I feel almost normal. I feel a strong sense of terror when I think about how venerable I am to losing my medical coverage at this point. I would have a lot of pain to deal with plus I would now be sick sick from withdrawal. I'm so use to being stronger then life... LOL... but ummm guess not so much in reality. I am trying to both come to terms with being disabled without loosing hope that I will get better. It is really hard when I still don't know what else is going on to cause the pain. I'm still in limbo as far as some of the stuff goes... and I will stay in limbo for a bit.... I have a diagnoses thing on the 7th.... where I will be asseted for going back to work and hopefully that will answer some of my bigger questions but it may not. I'm sort of wishing that I had some type of group thing to go to and talk to people but I'm told I'm still not ready for that.... and I'm really not... I can't even sit up in an upright chair for more then 15-20min. and long car rides tend to make me nausea (guessing the drugs help with that). I am walking tho'! And really getting better and better at it. I almost look normal walking as long as no one sees me try and get up and get started. Of course I feel foolish when people think that I can lift a bag or follow them at anything more then a crawl.... still don't know if I should explain or not....

Yesterday I was all sorts of sad mostly because I wanted to go hang out with my mom but just knew it would be too much and that I wasn't ready. I wanted to be well enough for just that and I was real sad that I wasn't. But today I'm doing pretty good.... hehehehe it helps that they got Libby, and that supreme court nomiee got shot down....