Friday, October 21, 2005

The panic of time

I have been really trying not to feel anxious.... but I'm on the edge of a compleat panic attack and have been feeling this way for a day or more. I'm sure some of it has to do with the rolling of drugs..... as it wears off the pain increases I have to decide if I wait it out or take something inbetween... and some of it is the pressure I am feeling to get better. I mean everyone (including me) is hopeing that this operation fixed everything and that I will be out of pain and back to work etc. And they keep asking me how I feel and I can't help but feel the implied question behind it.... are you really well? are you gonna get all the way well? Me, wanting to make everyone happy, wanting so much for the answer to be yes just for myself...... I just donno what to say. I guess part of it all right now is that I just got off the phone with my doctor and she had to put a date down for paperwork for me to return to work.... and I know that the date can be changed and stuff but I just felt so overwhelmed and so afraid ..... I mean I still hurt quite a bit and to think of going back.... I just felt so scared... she put the date down as Nov. 14th. Which is still a long time away.... but I'm just ..... I feel like what if I fail? What if they think I can but I don't think I can? I should so not be worrying about this.... I so got to relax instead of ripping myself to shreds with self doubt.


Blogger Gawdessness said...

I'm going to get Turtlegirl to read this tomorrow and I am willing to bet she will want you to know that you just have to take care of you on your own time schedule and she might even talk about meditation! She is pretty interested in that right now.
She had a really bad day the day before yesterday - the pain came back - it can be such a powerful thing no wonder you are scared. It is a reasonable reaction. More than reasonable.

9:42 PM  
Blogger MonochromaticRainbow said...

Hey hun, its Nia. I'm working the overnight shift now and have a lot of time on my hands, so I thought I'd join you here on Blogger. Hope to talk to you soon. And always remember, life is what you make it, not what other people make it for you.

3:33 AM  
Blogger achromic said...

Nia, hey that's right! I forgot that. Why am I letting other people have that power? I know better! Well huh, I'm done playing their game, it's my life darnit! I get to choose how much I let their mishmush affect me.

8:04 AM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Hello, Achro - I like Gawdessness' suggestion about meditation - I've used it, and it helps.

It's so very scary to have to readjust, isn't it? I had to do that, too. Sometimes we find we just can't do everything we want, or everything we used to do, and that just sucks! ;)

Oh, and the fear of pain - it makes us tense when we feel the first triggers indicating an "attack" of pain is coming on. It sets off all of our warning signals.

Chronic pain is a beast - but it can be mastered! I'm glad to hear your doctors care about the pain you feel, and it sounds as if they are doing their best. You have dear friends who give you great advice here, too.

Have they mentioned that pain killers work differently in those who are suffering from pain than they do in those who use them for recreational purposes only? I read that somewhere, but I don't recall the details. It said something to the effect that in people with actual pain, there's less of a "being stoned" effect, and the pain meds actually bring us back to a normal way of thinking; when they are used recreationally, they just make us high. Not that there's anything wrong with being high, IMO - ;) It beats being in pain, eh?

As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

8:19 AM  
Blogger achromic said...

Actually Julie it was not the doctors that metion that, it was my father. He said you will know when they have it right because after the first couple of days you won't feel high you will feel normal...he said that you are looking for that feeling of normal. Which I didn't know, but wow yep I have time now when I feel normal. Not all the time yet, sometimes still zigzaging between feeling high and pain but anytime at all of feeling normal is so good.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous chasmyn said...

I agree, I think after all you've gone through, are still going through, your reaction is totally normal. Please love, remember to breathe. And like you said, the date can be changed.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work » » »

11:08 PM  

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