Tuesday, October 04, 2005

More stuff

So the thing is, that when you are faced with this pain that they cannot fix, there are things that you are gonna feel. Each person of course is gonna feel their own way. I feel scared, angry, helpless. I find that it helps me to make plans, both plans for if I get better and plans for if I don't. I need to know that if this is permenant that I will have something to go to. I need it so that I feel like I have a reason to be here. I personally need a plan A and B, C, D, etc. For some people they would think of that as focusing on the negative and while I respect that this is true for them it is MY F******* illness and darnit you will get out of my way and let me do what I need to do to survive it.

There is also a line between helping and enabling. This line has changed as I have become more and more disabled. I can not even walk for a very long time, now. So at first the helping was more like giving words of encouragement, and now I need more like help with grocery shopping. I think it has been harder for me then it really has for everyone around me. I keep thinking that I can get up and do things..... only to find that I cannot. It has been rare in my life that pure stubbornness has not abled me to push beyond what people thought were my limits. But now, that is not a help and infact I could hurt myself more, so I have to rely on others. I fear the wheel chair..... but I'm really trying not to. I'm reading this lady here and realizing that people with disabilities do have very full lives. I know that I am a long way off from a wheel chair just yet, but the pain is overwhelming... it is sicking when it comes, a horrible sicking pain... and I just need to know that I will be ok no matter what happens. It is like when they told me that my eyes were just gonna get worse and worse and so I forced myself to learn Braille and walk around with a blindfold.... I've never had to use those skills but it gave me comfort to know that I could do it, I could learn to read Braille (heck with my disleixca it was actually in some ways easier because it is different synapse to the brain) and I could learn how to move around.

As for addiction. It is a real fear. But I have no choice but to do what I have to. I cannot live in the pain that I am in. I would rather, much rather be smoking pot which is far less addictive, but I cannot risk jail for my husband. Besides the fact that I don't even know how to get it anymore. So lame I went and grew up on myself. I like drugs, I won't lie and say I don't.... lol remember I said I was talking to G*d on them... well who wouldn't like that? My G*d is a pretty nice guy and it feels good to spend time with him... lol, just kidding with you guys I don't think that I'm talking with G*d but it does feel that way when I'm high. But I put the hubby man in charge of giving them to me that way I just take away the tempting to do it my way. Which is great because I can talk myself into doing about a million unhealthy things. That is actually how I got here, talking myself into eating this or that and not excersing.

I am going to my very first pain clinc appt today. I donno what to expect. They are suppose to help me set realistic goals.... er.... I don't want to hurt... that seems realistic to me. Well we will see what we will see, I will try and keep and open mind and remember to see the similarities not the differences.

Peace out


Anonymous jeanette1ca said...

Very good. Very helpful to let us know what is going on in your brain!

Also, think about ordering groceries online. Since you will be home for the delivery, and it is only a small extra charge - might be worth it, especially when J's schedule is hectic.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Gawdessness said...

Lit a candle for you at church on Sunday, a lot of us sent you positive thoughts.
I hope that the pain clinic was a useful experience.
I wish that there was a way that I could actually help you out, make it easier, if that could be done
Your line that "you went and grew up on yourself" made me laugh.
Here in Canada you can smoke pot for medical reasons - well sort of -
Checking in on you again soon.
BTW think the ordering groceries idea is brilliant!

6:49 AM  
Anonymous chasmyn said...

I so hope they come up with a workable plan for you.

Good idea, ordering groceries online - I've thought of doing it myself to save a little time and have more time with family - but Trader Joe's and Whole Foods don't deliver, damn them.

2:16 PM  
Blogger achromic said...

Thanks guys, the grocery's are still being handled by J. so far. It is the household chorse that are becoming overwhelming..... and that is just that and I got to be ok with it. I worry very much that he is carrying far to much of the burden, but I'm at a loss of what I might do to help him out. Right now tho' changing any of our routine might be less then helpful as he tends to find comfort in that.

3:59 PM  
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2:17 PM  
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4:27 PM  

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