Saturday, October 29, 2005

What I've been saying lately

I was commenting on someone else blog the other day and I wrote this about myself and I thought I would like to share it here with you guys:

"I am a fat woman, I have had gastric bypass and now weight in at 135-140lbs.... but in my head I'm still a fat woman that weight 324lbs. I still feel more comfortable with the fat people then I do with the "normal" eaters, I still can't bear to hear people talk about their extra 20lbs as if they are obese. I still look at the TV stars and wonder why people find those anorexic looking people to be so beuatiful. 2yrs I have lived in a body that I don't know, that doesn't look real to me, but is the body that everyone else sees. Inside I'm still the fat girl and therefore outside of a certain acceptance that normal people have."

and this:

"do know how people act about my weight loss, even when they know I have health problem after health problem and hospitalaion after hospitalaion. They all want me to be "happy" and grateful and just be positive... and it s**ks because I'm dealing with all this crap and there doesn't seem to be much happy about it. It is different then you, but it sounds like it makes me feel the same towards those people... like smackin' across the back of their head and tellin' them to wake up and see the reality."

There are so many things that I can say about the gastric bypass and almost all of them are bad and I am really very tired of pretending it is any different. When I was fat ... I would look in the mirror and see a nice looking woman that was sort of chubby... that wasn't reality either... but now I look in mirror and I am looking at the face of a stranger. I do not look like I did when I was younger and weight this much.... I don't look like anyone in my family, I look decidedly odd to me. There has not been any gifts or blessing from having this done to my body. It totally freaked me out to go shopping the first time... It was not like a fun freak out it was terrifying. And now ... it is a little bit better.... but it is very hard. I can barely stand to meet people anymore because the whole time I'm wondering if they know me from my other life as a fatty or not... and if they ask how are you doing ... I don't know if I should tell them. It is painful. I don't want to talk about my medical life to everyone... but I don't know what else to talk about. And everyone wants to do things around food.... and I so don't. I try and be nice and go along with it... but it is hell (not with you mom and J.... you get it so don't think I'm talking about you). But if people know about the operation they are all watching me freaking eating... and then waiting to see if I get sick... do you know how bad that is for someone that is slightly paranoid as it is?!?! Someone that already has food issues and problems around food?!? Jeesh... and I know, oh I know I donna have it as bad as some people do.... but I feel so overwhelmingly guilty because I choose this... I mean I signed up for it I did it ALL ME..... it isn't like this was an act of G*D it was an act of me.

Well... glad I got that off my chest... hope that didn't bum anyone out to much.


Anonymous Jeanette1ca said...

I get that too. "Your daughter looks so good, aren't you proud of her?" I am proud of you for many, many reasons, most especially all that you have endured the last 2 years. But for how you look? You have always been beautiful to me. And what mother would ever wish the last two years on her child, for any reason short of saving the child's life.

As to whether the decision to have the gastric bypass was the "right" one or not - since we don't have any way to see what the last two years would have been like otherwise, there's no way to know if it would have been better or worse. Maybe you only had a 5% chance of having a heart attack when you were 324 lbs., but with your luck so far with those 5% chances, I don't know ...could be pretty tricky figuring that one out!

No regrets - life moves only in one direction. Grieve for your healthy fat self, and let life move you to what is in store next. I hope that's going to be a healthier than ever you, but whatever your body does, you will still be you, and I think that's one terrific person!!

Love, MOM

4:53 PM  
Blogger mermaidgrrrl said...

My friend is having the same issues. She had a lap band put in and has lost 52 kilograms. She's going through serious grieving and stress at the moment. She was a healthy fat woman who had some self esteem issues secondary to the weight, but yet to have any health problems. Her crisis of self, not knowing who she is any more, has nearly cost her her marriage. People she has worked with for 10 years don't recognise her - and she now realises that's cause all they saw her as was fat. She's getting unwelcome attention from men who previously ignored her, and she finds herself having to say to them "You weren't interested when I was fat - please don't be interested now" She has swinging blood sugars, high blood pressure, constipation and feels malnourished in general, yet the doctors treating her ignore all of this and only focus on her losing more weight. She was asked to do public speaking to people who are considering the operation by the company rep because she's considered a "success story" and she had to explain she couldn't do it, because she'd rather be fat and healthy than where she's at now. These people are baffled - because she's supposedly BETTER because she's THINNER. "Why would she ever be happy being fat?" they think to themselves. She was crying on the phone the other day, saying she wishes she'd never done it and she doesn't want to lose any more, but she knows that other people will see her as a failure if she stays the size she's at now. She wishes that she was my size and fat and healthy and happy like me. This is the first time I have ever heard this in my life! I feel so badly for my friend. I said she really needs to get the fluid taken out of the band for a while and concentrate on having good nourishment for a while and fuck what everyone else says, but she's too scared. I'm so sorry you're going through this achromic. I think the weight-loss surgery industry has sold people a pack of lies and we're just finding that out now.

5:38 PM  
Blogger Val said...

Dear Achro:
I should not read blogs @ work, now I am sitting here w/tears in my eyes -- won't do for the staff to see Big Boss Lady crying!!!
Morbid obesity runs in my family; my aunt ruined her own health w/the "old-style" intestinal bypass surgery nearly 30 yrs ago (& I'm sure significantly shortened her lifespan)... My cousin (who had the same surg at the same time as her mom) never recovered & died @ the age of 26. I have struggled w/emotional overeating issues for as long as I can remember, but I certainly wish I had put down the big stick of beating myself up over "those last 20 lbs", 15 yrs ago!!! when I really was @ a healthy weight; now that I have crossed that threshold (oh, about 30 lbs ago) I'm trying very hard for self-acceptance & just focus on a healthier lifestyle...
I am praying for your improved health & recovery.
luv Val

7:36 AM  
Blogger achromic said...

Thanks folks, I apprecate your support.. it means so much to me. I often feel sorry for myself and alone, even tho' I know I shouldn't but I still do. I donno if what I'm going thru' is greiving.... it is just what it is maybe after I get thru' it I will be able to look back and name it.

I never knew they were doing that to you mom.... that sucks.

Mer, I'm so srry to hear about your friend. I hope she doesn't die from the pressure to be thinner. There has been some pressure from Kaiser for me to talk too... but I don't feel very bad to tell them to go stick it. The intrest from men is very... disconserning. It makes me want to puke. I feel very lucky that I found a husband that loved me before and loves me now... tho' I think some of this being sick all the time does put a certain amount of strain on our relationship.

Val, I'm so sorry to hear about your cosien. It is so hard to know what the right thing is to do. I can only hope that this isn't going to kill me.... I felt like it was until this last surgery and now although I still hurt pretty bad I don't feel like there is something horrible wrong inside of me. I hope I can heal up now and really start enjoying life. IDK..... we will have to see.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Achro, I do hope that soon you will be able to look back at this time as a bad memory. There was no way for you to know how you would suffer, so you did make the best decision you could under the circumstances. And you were helped along by physicians, in whom you placed your trust - what else were you to do?

Your mom is so wise - we really can't know what life would have been like if we had made different decisions.

Many hugs!

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