No Job no work

Well they decided that they couldn't have me around with those disablties and because I have been out far longer then my job protection decided to let me go. I am a little sad.... but not too much. I am actually doing pretty good..... I think I greived about it a while back and have been suprised that it didn't happen before. No I donno how we are gonna pay the rent or eat while we figure out what I am good at....... and that is where I stumble WHAT am I GOOD at....... not much really. I don't like people very much and am no longer fit for heavy work which is what I like doing..... I have no schooling really and I am not that great at computers, much less any kind of secertarial work. But one deep breath at a time here...... I am a very detrimed person, very deadline orinated, tend to be very professional. I get nervous around authority and it takes me a long time to be trusting of a boss. I don't know if I want to work again........ but wanting may not be very important.... I donno yet. I am STILL getting disablity pay so nothing is urgent just yet. Just so nerve racking. I know I owe some people some e-mails ........ I will write you soon I am just...... trying to figure out what is next and that is taking most of the space in my brain. I wish I had waited with getting sick just a little longer....... but I didn't have much say in that so no sense in beating myself up for that. I am getting better and that is really a big deal....... and I am ok with everything else....... it will somehow be ok.

Back to work??? by Mon....... could be

So...... the news is good........ tho' I think a bit premature. There are a few restrictions that my doctor wants me to follow...... like lifting and bending........ and that might be a killer when it comes to my work. No I am not out of pain and no my zyphoid process is not in place........ but I am feeling better. I am nervous......... I know how physcal my job is so I donno if they can or will let me come back...... usually you have to be able to life 50ish lbs. and push even more have enough moter control to use a needle on a living being. So....... it seems that a limit of 10lbs......... and no bending might be a bit beyond my abilties....... but maybe not....... I am nervous.....waiting to hear what work says........ worried that my doctor doesn't really understand what she is saying when she says I should go back to work...... hopeing that she is right...... fearing that she is wrong. Just sick enough not to work........ would cause a lot of finacle stress........ as I certianly do NOT fit the SS term for disabled. But ......... I ..... darnit I have no control over this outcome...... if I go back to work and I cannot do my job but the doctors won't say I can't what happens??? I mean I am supposing that is the worst case senrio....... I suppose we will see and we will hope for only best case senrios .... like winning the lotto and not having to worry about work because I don't have ever go.

Sad new about one of my little kitties who LOOKS healthier then me but apparently is a heck of a lot sicker........ little baby(5yrs) sunni bean has an enlarged heart........ she already has athsma. We have plans to take her for an ultrasound to see if this can be handled by medication.... the vet seemed to think that was a possiblty. I thought she was just a silly lazy cat...... but I know now she is actually really tired. I am sadder then heck even tho' she will have the best noninvasive care I can give her she will probably be a shorter lived cat then she would be without these problems. Cats, like Sunni, should be allowed to live forever and ever.

A harsher critic I know not

Then the one I see in the mirror. I have only known a few people well enough to know that I am not alone in that. So..... sticking up for myself is REALLY hard even when I am feeling 100%. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have lost, how many botched medical encounters I have had, or how extremely painful teenage life was in the face of teacher and physiologist. I would do almost ANYTHING to not do it........ infact I believe that part of why I am in the bad health that I am in is because I would rather die then to force my point with a doctor...... BUT last week I did some of it. It was extordinary painful to sit in front of a doctor, a health psychologist, and a social worker and tell them that I wanted an explanation of treatment and a second opinion and more options. The health psychologist ....... a very young girl of whom I feel over protective of, immediately starts with a whole but this isn't our fault thing..... which I said I didn't care, told me that if my problem could have been handled by a doctor it would have been already (directly against what my usual doctor said), and offered that I should start in their program back in the beginning (which would require me to only see their doctors.... I don't think so). The doctor that was there, while someone I know, is only in charge of my medication, became defensive and tried to weasel out of how he pressured me into staying on meds that I felt were wrong for me, and although I am well aware of how harsh the take down of my meds is gonna be basically was in that whole .... if your not gonna do it my way I don't care. The social worker whom I don't really like that well.... was actually the most professional of the bunch.... prior to this her professionalism really put me off...... now it worked for me. She took down what I wanted told me what I needed to do to get the referral to a second opinion and set down what their agreed recommendations were. Now I am set to face off with the real doctor on Tues. she actually scares me even more, she has so far been very disarming and easy to trust..... but so far what she has offered me hasn't worked....... so I am disinclined to cont'd with her recommendations ........ at least without the back up of another doctor outside of the pain clinic.

In the mean time I am so hooked to the drugs I am on......... it is scary. It is definently reminiscent of smoking ...... I no longer feel an effect with the drugs.... I feel the effect of NOT having them. That is pyschal depenancey. I donno what to do about that except what I am doing which is to keep trying to lower the dosage. I may ....... see I just donno if I could just not worry that they are gonna stop supplying me with the drug I wouldn't worry so much about it all the time and maybe I could just relax that tad bit more........ but instead I worry constantly that soon they will just stop because they feel I am not giving enough. I feel like they have me by the balls so to speak........ I try and remember that although I would be VERY VERY sick it would pass...... and although I might be in pain after that somehow I would be ok. I am so not ok......... I want off............ I hate being forced to do anything and this addiction is forcing me to jump for people I don't trust....... Wish I had a name for what I have........ wish I a doctor in my family that could help me. Hummmm I guess if I had to I could do the methodone........... I didn't think of that........ but there must be a pick up place around here. Then at the very least I could just deal with the pain rather then withdrawal at the same time.......

But the deep depression has left..... I mean I am worried about these things but I am no longer a rabbit in the headlights. I swear...... every operation the depression is deeper and longer. This time is was definantly helped out by the medications. Still I am amazed at the depths of my despair and how it limits my entire view of the world.

I am amazed at how helpful my spouse has been......... I don't know if I could do the same for him...... I would want to........... but to be a straight A student, part time worker and FULL time caretaker.......... that is a lot. He is dyeing for spring break tho! and I donna blame him. Maybe if we can do it I can take him over to where there is still snow and let him play........ we would have to do it on a shoestring.... but we always do...... and do ok.

Back to being me

I am me again........ that is right..... I am not sad...... only a little scared........ not feeling all messed up and not in nearly as much pain. Came off of the pregablin/Lycra and seriously within a few cuts down of the stuff my family was saying "hey there's Achromic again". I am.......... angry as hell because I said more then once that I didn't feel like the meds were working and that I felt all wrong and NO one would let me stop taking this stuff. But now I got to figure out what to do next. The thing is ........ I still got a zyphoid process out of places....... and from what I understand that is pulling on the diphrame and muscles....... this is the greatest part of my pain problem (not sure I agree with that as I still feel pain in my urineary tract and kidney BUT ok) BUT I still got this they have never done any adjustment to put it back into place...... and I want a second opinion. Not only in what is wrong but in what the best course of action is. AND I don't want to be detoxing off the pain killers until they take care of the largest cause of pain. Period. Now if I can only be so clear and so strong with the doctors........ I am afraid they are gonna force me to detox fast by not filling my 'script and I will be sick sick.......... but even that ...... would be a relief in a way........ sick sick and hurting lots but done......... just on my way doctors that can do what they said they would which is to put this bone back into where it belongs........ and then ............. then we will come after you Kasier........ true you stop us in abertration but you will atleast pay something..........

I hate them

It was a bad day at the doctors ....... it was a big EVAL day with 3 WHOLE doctors....... and they donno how to help me....... I am not responding OR allergic to EVERY kind of meds avilable. I am very close to done. I am a paper ghost ........ I am walking like a shadow in silver rain........... the only place I am almost OK is here........ I am trying not to give up........ I wish I had something to believe in....... the funniest part is I actually feel more alive right now then I do when things are right.......... it is a dangerous feeling. I should stop feeling anything then I won't feel pain...... but then John...... I would loose John..... but...... No J. is STILL more important...... but maybe it is like one of those pardoxes inorder to love and keep you have to stop caring....... I donno how that works.......... but maybe I need to figure it out.

I hate them all

It was a bad day at the doctors ....... it was a big EVAL day with 3 WHOLE doctors....... and they donno how to help me....... I am not responding OR allergic to EVERY kind of meds avilable. I am very close to done. I am a paper ghost ........ I am walking like a shadow in silver rain........... the only place I am almost OK is here........ I am trying not to give up........ I wish I had something to believe in....... the funniest part is I actually feel more alive right now then I do when things are right.......... it is a dangerous feeling. I should stop feeling anything then I won't feel pain...... but then John...... I would loose John..... but...... No J. is STILL more important...... but maybe it is like one of those pardoxes inorder to love and keep you have to stop caring....... I donno how that works.......... but maybe I need to figure it out.

Doctor stuff

well. I went to one eval the pyshic one and......... totally failed. Not only could he care less that I am haveing sucidal epsoides but he won't think about treating me in any fashion until I am either on aquiate pain meds .......er I think........... and the Pain Doctor...... won't trust me when I say a medication isn't working and I am having anxsoity and suicidal epsoides. I have already started crying to day and it is only 5:39am. I have a few more evals to do this week. I have a visable problem........ that they have put off talking care of for a long time............ the pain doctor, I don't that she believes that it hurts........ I was told it was a maybe mild discomfort...... but it if this is discomfort then I donno............ well...... so......... I gotta go back and I gotta say all this stuff and I am pretty sure that given my exp so far........ that talking to the pain doctor will be like talking to no one at all.

ok ok ok srry I thought when no one said anything that

no one cared anymore. But ummmmmmm well now I am feeling loved and a bit stupid. I will stay Achromic will stay will write everyone and say that to you each and every one. I never met to have a big blog and I am fine with it being small............. but it hurts a lot to pour out your whole misspelled heart and hear silence................... ummmmmm except there wasn't really because Val ALWAYS wrote but I was depressed and I forgot and Gawdessness WOULD always write only her computer is down and I forgot because I was depressed. The depression and panic are kicking my ass folks............ no really. I spent yesterday in tears......... no not just like a few minutes here and there ......... I spent almost the ENTIRE day crying hysterically over............. ummmmmmmm a misunderstanding and thinking you guys where gone and thinking that ......... see the paranoia is also kicking in someone here that KNOWS ME might have decided they hated me enough to give out my info to someone who scares the crap out of me. The misunderstanding was foolish and so was the paranoia and *blushes furiously* I can see that you are all here......... Forgive me all of you. They are trying to stop the pain with inaquit medication because I am so allergic to everything else. The pain is real...... you can't come over and poke on me.......... I keep trying to make it NOT real and that is part of my problem it is a huge part of my problem ...... is that I keep trying very hard to change that I am in pain.

Really??? if only I could afford myself

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Er............... so that western medicine stuff really isn't all that?

You have to understand I am a facts kind of girl. I am that way because when I was little there was a lot of manipulating reality going on (some by me, some by others), in our family real was only real if you talked about it, if you didn't well then....... it was up in the air. If I hadn't been dyslexic I probably would have gone into math............ not many people know that but me and this old math teacher in 9th grade had something going....... MATH duh where are your heads at? Anyways it went from my least favorite subject to my most. He showed me another way of looking at the world and it was the first time that the world couldn't be moved buy someone's feelings only the facts. Unfortunately by the time I met that math teacher I was already half way to hell and he couldn't stop that downward trend anymore then anyone else did. BUT it still changed my life. I couldn't keep no. in my head, or remember how to do formulas....... na srry dyslexic kicks my ass around on that stuff......... but I started to respect science and theories, figuring out hypotheses. I became a lover of science....... what I think of as the REAL world. So when I got fat even tho I swore my calorie intake wasn't that high I went to science to fix it ......... and when after numerous surgeries I found myself where I am now...... IN pain 24/7. BUT something is starting to work......... Kaiser decided to send me to this pain clinic where I thought I would be getting a lot more science.............. but no.......... I am learning how to do accupressure and I am getting acupuncture......... I am learning about mindful breathing and several different meditation tech. ............. and it is working. OOO no I am not out of pain....... nor do I at this point see me going back to my very physical job, but it is working the pain is less and I am able to handle my life a little bit better because of learning some of this stuff. It feels werid to have doctors give up after only a year...... and not even like they looked very much or very hard I mean I had 5 surgeries on real actual stuff not on anything that accupressure is gonna take care of. BUT to be able to have the tools to fight even one pain flare is amazing. To be able to do something all by myself to affect the pain is amazing.... and it isn't like this is science....... no they got no explantations for why some things work for some people. And like I said it isn't like it just goes away I gotta really work at getting my pain to go away and sometimes it doesn't go....... but I have had it work 3 or 4 times now so I am begining to believe.