Oh ugggg

So well they did all this cat scan stuff right, and I have a huge fucking ass stone sitting in my kidney and it is moving around in there causeing G*d knows what kind of damage so they want to do something but I got to go in an talk to the doctor because they you know won't discuss that sort of thing over the phone. It was big enough that the actual doctor called me and although he was trying to sound all casual like that was not the impression that he left me with (it is SAT. that he called after all and twice at that). Uggggggg.

So you know I'm taking this salt pills right? and I'm feeling better right? and I should just be happy with that. But no. I get on the scale and for the first time in 2 yrs I've gain 6 lbs. and it is making me crazy. I want to stop taking the pills, which is insane, because they are helping me. People tell me I look better that don't even know about them, and I still feel fat. Now I'm still in a size 4 and I'm feeling fat. I'm so sick. In the head, sick. Because I feel like a fat pig, because I've gain 6 lbs and I'm afraid that tommorwo I will be over 200 lbs again. My boobs are starting to look like boobs again, heck that is atleast where some of the water and wieght is going, and I should be happy about that all I'm feeling is panic. I'm hungry now too, and eatting again you know more then I was. And I'm all alone in here because most of my friends can't know or get any of this. Maybe I need to go find Milenka.......... ugg reaching out for help sucks, I hate it. I love you guys but I hate asking for help when I'm feeling bad. Gack, blah, thhhhhupptttt.

If I don't go to the midwest, it comes to me

Yessiribob, that tornado that hit CA was only a couple of blocks from my house. Those streets you see all fucked up? They are part of my drive to work. Good news tho' I didn't even know about it because I was on the road to my mom's and missed out being scared out of my mind (my experance with tornados is that you can hear them when they are that close, sounds like a train from Zesue comeing to take you the Mt.) I didn't even hear about it at my mom's because we didn't turn on the news. The people out here are so funny, because we don't get tornados (only this is like the 3-4th on in the past 7 yrs), the news people kept looking at the footage saying "wow that looks like a tornado. I think that might be a tornade" I looked at the footage and you could see the most perfect shaped funnel cloud (my idea of beauty LOL ) and was like "yep that's a MF tornado".

Doing better WOW!

Hey so I started those salt tablets, with various treptaion....... I mean it's salt how the hell was that really gonna make me feel better........ but what can I say after months and months of dizzy spells every single day I had not a one last night. Not only that but I felt "normal" today. I almost forgot what normal felt like. I did feel very thirsty too, and so I'm drinking more water and retaining it probably so I'm probably not as dehydrated so I donno if it is the salt that is making me feel better excatly or what the salt is causeing (thirst and retiention of water). I'm just crossing my fingers that it will con't to work. Of course I also got to tell people to go to hell when they raised their eyebrows at how much salt I was putting on my food, which felt really fucking good. What I don't know and I might not know for years, is how much damage having the low blood pressure caused for the lenght of time I had it before treatment or if it is gonna get worse latter. There are some various things that having this condition (it is an early sign of Addisions and Shy-drager syndrome) that I will have to keep an eye on, not that there is much help for either of these. Also this can be the beginings of Parkinsons which yes I would be very young to be showing signs of but so was Michel Fox.

Ok I'm not anroxic

Look here, people who go and have weight loss surgery are not anroxic. No matter how much weight they lose they aren't. Do we have food issues, sure we do. Do we need you telling us, asking us in that TONE, if we are becoming anroxic? NO I don't have any control over how much wieght I've lost, ok? I mean I fucking eat, I eat fucking all sorts of shit, I don't take any weird pills, I don't puck (at least never on purpose it hurts) after I eat, I'm not starving myself in some vain attempt to look like (put your favorite to skinny actress here). I'm fucking 34 yrs old, I feel like I'm 70, I wonder what a day without pain might feel like, and I could care less about being "cute" to the kid on the 4th floor. You aren't helping when you call me anroxic looking, to me it's another way of saying how hiddous I look, it hurts like hell, and it makes me want to smash your face in (only I can't now because I'm to fucking weak). Telling me how I shouldn't try to lose anymore wieght is discounting my intelligenace and is about like tell another fat person how they shouldn't try and gain anymore wieght. Fuck you and just because your a boss (at my work) doesn't make it right it just makes me shut up and write it here.

Want a mouth full of words?

So my endocrinologist says I have orthostatic hypotension autonomic neuropathy and post prandial syndrome.......... which is the fancy way of saying low blood pressure and low suger. Wow what a dignoses! And to think he went school just to learn all those nice words!

Ok so anyone who has ever been around me to watch me eat........ (which is a whole 'nother subject) knows that I'm the salt queen. I love salt. Lots and lots and lots of salt. I eat salt, you know that rock sea salt stuff that you buy to put in a salt grinder? I take it out and suck on it. And my whole life everyone has been saying to me "oh you shouldn't eat so much salt because you are gonna get high blood pressure". (even had the whole "salt is why you are fat" conversation, umm right because you know salt has so many caleriors) As usual my body knew better. Apparnetly. Because the doctor says this is entirely unrelated to the WLS. And it has nothing to do with the wieght I am now. My low blood pressure he says has to do with the fact that my body isn't absorbing salt in the right way. (Before you go there, no eating a lot of salt before didn't hurt my abilty to absorb salt now) He asked if we all ate salt (like in the family) and I was like "yep we eat lots of salt, we could put a damn salt lick down and have it gone in a few days doc". So he thinks we are just built this way and that my rapid weight loss may have made it more acute but did not cause it, or that there is this link that they don't have a lot of answers for between the low blood sugar and the low blood pressure. Either way, they can only treat the symptoms. (boooo) So here is the plan, I get to take salt tablets and wear these fancy (ugly/horrible) tight thigh high sock thingys. And I need to watch my blood suger much better then I have been, so that I don't spike high and low. If that doesn't help then I go back in a month and they put me on this other stuff that helps me absorb salt, and then if that doesn't work we move on to the "new" drugs that he didn't want to try because I'm so "young" (wanna take bets that when I'm old it will be because I'm to "old"?). Ah well.

Not many people that I quote

and usually well most certainly not out of cheesy Sci fi/fantasy books. But........ this passage screamed to me when I think of our people dyeing on the battle field right now. So without further adieu from Tracy and Laura Hickman in the Bronze Canticles (if they are reading this please forgive my spelling and any mistakes I make as I'm not cutting and pasting but typing in by hand).

"Why do men do anything? Someone beats a drum, sings a moving song, and marches the rest of the cattle off to slaughter. There is, of course, a lot of talk of duty and honor and loyalty. Then, when enough people have died, the demands of duty and honor are met and the blood can stop flowing for a season"

and then again another quote from the same page

"You are born, live, and die for defense, conquest, glory, and spirit, and none of you - not one- ever things to question it. No one wants to really know why this battle was essential in the first place. No; let us all recite defense, conquest, glory, and spirit as we march down the length of someone else's sword and give our lives for someone else's ideals"

The scary thing is that they aren't talking about G.W. Bush and they aren't saying this to H.S kids that are being told that they should join. No........... but jeeze someone should. We must start seeing war as an illness. A sickness in and of itself. I think that all war....... every single war....... has really been class war........ that of the rich wanting something and the poor wanting something. The rich feel that they can risk everything because they do not have a sense of what is at risk, and the poor having nothing left to lose so they risk their lives and the lives of their families. No rich man can go to war with out the poor deciding to buy into the idea that things will be better if they win.

If I ask the kids in the military today if our country is a democracy I bet almost all will say yes...... but I'm sure that most of you my smart readers know that it is infact a Republic. Who's ideals do they think they are fighting for? Who's sword are they sliding down?

Last night I conquered the Glucose monitor

Ok as if there couldn't be enough wrong there are these dizzy spell. There are two types. 1 is the when I stand up I black out, can't breath and pretty much almost pass out but only for a few seconds. While this first one is the most violent, it is also the most predictable and we are pretty sure that it is because of super low blood pressure. The second type is a slower sickness and it is more like "wow nothing feels ok". When I first went to the doctor with this she did run the fasting blood but it came out ok, but then I went to my mom and during one of these episodes I had her take my blood and yep sure enough it was all the way down to 60 and I had just ate less then 2 hrs ago. So when I had to go back to my doctor because of the pee thing I told her about that and she said "hummmm that's not right". And gave me a glucose monitor and has me set up with another doctor. For two weeks it has sat here. Oh I took it out and fooled with it then threw up my hands and said "I can't figure it out" ummm I didn't read the directions or anything like that but I still "couldn't" make it work. LOL. See I was really really mad that after "all" that I've done that I would have to stick my finger and test myself every day... more then once a day too. I mean why else did I have the WLS? I mean how fucked up is it to get all the things they said you would avoid? Damnit I went thru' a lot of pain for what? But then a friend of mine said something that just blew me the fuck away, she said (er this is just paraphrasing here) "you might have gotten sick anyways, it might just be part of your path, and you might have gotten a lot sicker a lot faster you never know". Oh....... right, I don't have control over this, any control is just an illusion, one that the doctors like to try and sell you but it isn't the truth. The best thing I can do is manages the truth to the best of my abiltity, I can't change it. I have always believed that some things are met to be, that they bring you to certain things in your life, and while I can't see why being severely hypoglycemic would be a positive the truth is it is here in my face. So last night I picked up the instructions, I stuck myself a bunch of times while I figured out how to make it all work. It wasn't so bad and hopefully what they learn will also help with my kidneys.

It is almost time to plant red tulips

and so I will repost this (it was posted on another blog from a long time ago) it is as valid a post now as it was before.


Waiting for America

I'm waiting for America to happen. The Dream that I was sold in school. That somehow even tho' we are surround by corruption and torn apart by self-hate, that underneath we are hero's. That the corporations that can't give its bottom workers a living wage, will pull thru' during trouble times and give enough (despite their greed) to keep our country and people safe. That a media that is founded on cheap shots and drunk with power will dig down deep enough to tell us the truth.....and yet intelligence enough to keep its mouth shut on matters of national security. Millions of citizens, green card holders, non-citizens, and me, are holding our breath to see if good will win over evil. Most of us are not even sure what that will look like. Most of the time I just feel afraid for my country, for this world.

I cannot imagine a way out of this trouble time. I cannot foresee, what good can come out of these wars, this economical disrest. I fear for everyone I know who is different, for every parent's child that is too bright, for everyone who cannot or will not conform. I think often of the Dutch who opposed Germany even while they were over run. I will plant red tulips this year, and maybe a few will remember and understand.

I am what I am

Mars born and bred
Seeking peace on a thorny bed
Curled in a drafty corner
With a throw of purple nettles
Sliver face and furrowed brow
Love to hate in my slumber

Smell the sweetness of the sage?
Bother me with nameless change
Give me blood, rivers of pain
Glory in the dead land waste

Gluttony and Famine
Pestilence and Greed
Friends of mine that that serve to eat
Whispered paranoid beliefs
Of fanatics and those of apathy

Sweat that gleams of swift poison
Arms of swords and tongue of passion
Eyes made of light, breast of temptation
Hear my feet stomp for the thunder?

Oh War I cry for you
Faithful I will never be
Mar's child born and bred
I struggle for a different path
Red glow in green eyes I have
But there inside me is something stronger yet

I can't fix what I've broken

This has been always true for me. So I try not to break things, but of course I do.

I don't really know what to write anymore. What is really bothering me I can't write about here because the person who it is about might get more hurt and angry and I just don't like hurting people. (but then I do write about it, jeesh I must hate myself) It seems odd that I can have good conversations with right wing religious pro force birth people and not one of my good friends. We get along fine in person and on the phone and stuff, but every since this IMing thing started it has been one hurt feeling after another (mine get very hurt, IDK about hers and I'm not trying to speak about hers just mine). I want to stop IMing but she wants to work it out and I just think that is crazy because I'm not sleeping and I feel crazy depressed and hurt by it all. It's like asking me to keep putting my hand into a fire and letting the fire burn away the flesh over and over again. IDK what to do..... she is someone I love a lot so I keep putting my damn hand in because I'm like that, but then I resent the hell out it because I keep getting hurt. I keep saying to myself we are two reasonable adults surely we can communicate without hurting each other (if she is hurt which I donno if she said that she was and I don't want to put words in her mouth). If I thought it was helping I'd keep putting my hand in, because I'm like that. But I'm not strong right now, and I'm not sleeping and I'm crying a lot and I feel like I can't breath sometimes because this all hurts so much. I know that it is my choice to hurt, to let pain be here, but I haven't figured out how to turn it off other then to just turn it all off. I NEVER said I was well, I never claimed to be sane, I even warn people of the opposite.