I've been in the hospital

again. You know when the percoset and vicoden are not kill the pain that something is wrong....and still I waited for 24 hrs in mind numbing pain because I didn't want another operation. But there wasn't anything to it......... I mean you can't just wish that stuff away. Fortuantly my Urologist seems to be the only doctor in Kaiser with a spot of commen sense and he saids "no don't bother with the ER just go straight to adminting I will leave instructions there for you" and he did. It seems there was a bigger shard keeping the rest of the broken stone from coming out...... by the time they got me my meds I was crying and screaming because it hurt sooo bad. It took two shots of morphine and 3 pills of vicoden and some of the antinausa stuff before the pain got under control. Hummmmmm it seems like there was more to blog about but now my meds are starting to take effect and I can barely think.. Needless to say it did turn out ok. They went in with their laser beems and took out all the rest of the stones. I'm out of work for another week. Work is gonna love me (not).

I hurt

They did the sonciation thing and that didn't hurt..... but last night I woke up in a world of pain and off to the ER we went. THey gave me lots of drugs.... which is kind of a cute story or it would be if I hadn't been in agony. Their machine that dispense those class of drugs was broke. So me and a bunch of others were wimpering in pain while they ran down the on site pharmancy, my nurse gets back and puts the needle on the table and says "I'll be right back but this girl is having an allergic reaction" and I say to her "hurry up and take care of her, as much pain as I'm in I'm not dieing". Then the doctor comes in and says "what why havn't they medicated you" and I say to her "the other girl was having a bad reaction could she, the doctor give me the meds?" and her answer was "no" . Apperantly the woman that can crack open my chest is not allowed to give me a simple IM injection...... Needless to say I was even a bit more peeved because they wanted to put the IV in before they admistered the drug and I know how hard it is to get a line into me. SO I watched as this nurse who was WAAAYY over worked (she seemed to be the only one there with about 7 beds) tried to tap these already rolling to thin veins. Finally I was like "just put it in my tush and then fine the line" Which she did. This helped until I got home......... in which the pain came back and I started to have the dry heaves only this time I was so drugged that I just finished with the heaves and went back to sleep. This morning I was fine, but now I'm not again....... so I called and said "hey how about you give me some better drugs so I don't end up in the ER again tonight?" and fortunatly that is what they are gonna do. Peace out.

The abortion story (mine)

I had to go in tonight and get pain meds so I'm pretty high right now..... which is probably why I feel like I can write this at all. I asked my hubby man if it would bother him because it about a part of my past that he is not a part of and he said "go ahead it's your story and you can say whatever you want... I love you". And I'm very happy to say that yes he does love me, which is the only way that I could tell this is knowing that some how I made it out ok.

I've had two abortions..... one when I was 15 and one when I was 21. I will try and tell the whole story but it bleeds into other stories and that might take to much writing so I'm gonna just try and stick to this story as much as possible.

At 15 I was already pretty much a troubled teen. I had run away 3 times once all the way to NM. I had already had several boyfriends and even had one boyfriend that lived with me and my mom for a short time. I was getting straight F's in high school and I started drinking too. I found out I was preg. 2 wks before Xmas. I went PP to get tested.... they did sell preg. test in the store at that time but it wasn't as common as it is now. I thought I was preg. by this guy named Jim who as I remember was like 21 or something. I say I think because I was also sleeping with a guy named Rob, but because Rob was homeless and a drug dealer and basically had nothing I perfered to think it was Jim. (well I was 15) I told Jim and we agreed not to tell anyone until after Xmas.... I think actually until after New Years. I think the only other person that knew was my best friend Chasmyn. I remember I wanted to give the child up for adoption. I wanted that. No one else wanted that for me. When we told my mom she said under no circumstances would she allow me to give my child up for adoption.... I could keep it or give it to her or abort and that was it. She said that it would be better to abort, that I wasn't ready. I was mostly confused. I had found out about the preg. very early so I actually had to wait according to PP before they would even perform the abortion.... so I had time to think. Lots of time. Jim came by one night and tried to talk me into marrying him and having the baby but I just couldn't see myself married. I was sooo sick. I was sick at school and throwing up and they wouldn't even send me home. The biggest thing that I remember was asking my mom if it would hurt and she said no. And she lied. I can't be too mad about the lie because I had lied a lot by that time......but.....still. When I got home from the abortion my mom sent me out to shovel snow.... I wasn't suppose to be doing heavy labor but she just couldn't even look at me I guess.. I remember the bright red blood on the snow as I bled thru' the pad. I remember that afterwards I said to my mom, I'm not having any children ever.... I was so mad at her. I'm sure that at that time she thought I would change my mind.... but people soon learn with me that if I say something like that I mean it. I was sad for a long time afterwards, I wrote letters to the baby and burned them. I don't know if what was to become that cold place inside of me started then because I was already sort of messed up but it is the first time I remember feeling it.

The second abortion story is much harder to write.... I donno how... it was so awful. BUT ok I'll give it a whorl. I was living with this guy and we were doing a lot of drugs like LSD, speed, pot, and lots of drinking. We were also using condoms and had been doing so successfully for 2yrs. So I wasn't expecting to get preg. and I didn't feel preg. until I was 2-3 months along. I had always been irregular so it wasn't uncommon for me to skip also not eating can cause that too. Bill was/is a pedophilia... and I thought if I stayed with him I could stop him from hurting kids... I let him do things that hurt me a lot to try and keep him from hurting kids. I would let him beat me just so he wouldn't go out and try and find some kid. But as most of you know.... that is a lie, you don't stop someone with that kind of sickness and the lie that they tell you that you are stopping them is one of the ways they manipulate you. All I can say in my defense is that by the time I figured a lot of this out I was so addicted to the drugs and so alone and isolated that I just didn't know what to do. He told me he would kill my family, often, just to get me to stay. When I found out I was preg. he beat me that day to try and force a miscarriage. Then later like most abusers turned around and said he wanted the baby and he was sorry. I knew by that time that he was/had/is sleeping with his own mother. I knew in my heart of hearts that this baby was in a world of danger. BUT that isn't what made me choose an abortion because I could feel the baby by this time.... and I wanted the baby by this time.... I loved this baby. No what made the choice in cement was I went to get food stamps because I was hungry and I knew I need to eat for the baby.... and see, I didn't know about food banks or free kitchens yet (so stupid so stupid I should have known!) and they wouldn't give out emerancy stamps so I had to wait a week for them to come in the mail....... and the whole week I starved. I could feel the baby was hungry..... I had no fat on me at that time the speed had made me very thin....there was nothing extra there. I remember cradling that child with my arms around my belly saying I was sorry. EVEN SO... I remember the clinc because the worker there was so kind and let me cry on her a lot. I remember them putting me on the table and I remember even then I wanted to scream nonononono don't take this baby from me but I just thought "I can't feed myself how will I feed another?".

I suppose some will tell me how I could have done things different.... and I suppose I could have.... it took me another 2 yrs to get completely away from Bill my abuser....I still have PTSD from that, which I have had a very little bit of counseling on but not much. I have said that I don't think Bill would have given up custody of a child.... you will just have to believe me that I know him well enough to say that. He liked to keep things/people that he believed he owned. I don't tell my story as a prochoice or prolife stance..... I've really tried not to... I just wanted to tell it like was, to the best of my memory. I'm sure I left things out, and that I probably need to clarify some points but this is a start. Ok kids..... lay it on me, say what you will I want to hear it even if I don't like it.

Sometimes a line grabs you

So I reach right down to the bottom of my soul
And I feel nothing

From A Chorus Line.

The color of the sky

In my world the color of the sky is dark red
The mountains are blue like unopen veins
Pouring into a white ocean

Peace is armed to the teeth
Mercy is a quick death
and love...... love is hidden
behind close doors and raw sarcasm

Speak of honor...and you speak of blood ties
The loyalty of starving together
While yellow rain soaks into your skin and out your eyes

Ashli asks

"achro, do you have problems with dehydration on a somewhat regular basis, i.e., are you nauseated/puking a lot? i know i'm probably telling you something you already know, but if you're having issues with dehydration and that is causing gallbladder sludge/stones, then you've kind of got to get a handle on it, lest you develop some serious gallbladder disease and have to get it 86'd. if you need some hydration support while you work on your other health issues, you could go on a line. midline will last 14 days, but you might need to go on a picc for a while. i dunno your specific health needs, but i really encourage everyone to demand excellent health care. ashli | 04.10.05 - 9:09 pm |"P

Yes I do ashi, apparently some people with WLS (weightloss surgery) are unable to even retain water. I never knew about a picc line........ so I didn't know to ask for one. But I will next time you bet. Right now I'm being treated with salt pills and it is working... geesh to think there was something called a picc line that I could have had this whole time!!!!!!! I hate our medical care system..... I hate each and every one that lets me suffer because they don't have time or they think I'm to young or to nice or what ever. I just went to the doctor today to get a work up for the sonication thing next week........... and I say, " hey I'm feeling a lot more pain then I was a few weeks ago... I'm taking tylonal" and you know he just brushed it off...... didn't ask me how much pain I was in or to rate it on scale nothing. People have a tendency with me to think I either know a lot or I know nothing........ and the truth is I know a lot about mice and how to use them as a model for testing things.... that's what I know.... I sometimes know a lot about a certain type of problem because I've been on projects dealing with that type of medical problem.... but I donna know a heck of a lot else. I'm just a lay person who trys to work hard so that people who do know can do their work.


On another topic that some of my readers will appreciate....... so I'm driving down the highway lementing that I've gained a few lbs..... still in my size 4.......... and I get this thought in my head.... "if I was 102lbs then everyone would love me more" now I was sooo sick at 126 lbs that even if people did love me more I didn't notice. So WTF is wrong with me that I just totally thought that....... and then I swear I looked down at my hand on the wheel and I could see it just crushed in shards of glass and blood...... the thought itself was hurting me.... I could see it. And this thought just kept going " I will never be good enough unless I get down to 102lbs" WTF... I know I'm good enough...... I do good things....... I know that. But I just struggle sooo hard with this eating thing. I swear I'm coming back as a cat where no one will care and I can sit in the sun.

Welcome all who enter here

Well as some of you know I've been conversing with many prolife Catholics and Xtians on the After Abortion website (you can google and go there if you wish). But I've now invited them here. I know many of you will think I'm crazy........but I like them. Blogging has brought so many of us together, I now know so many more pagans then I ever could have found on my own (thanks mostly to Chasmyn) and now I know some conservative peeps too. Everyone has something to teach...... even when we choose not to learn their lesson that is a teaching in and of itself. So I say welcome all who are here......... the only promise I make on this blog is to be honest as I know how to be. That doesn't mean I will be kind, or gentle, or anything else.......... but then, I don't think you have to be those things either.

I'm not mad, I'm not mad, I'm not mad

(BTW the stone has settled down again and I'm not hurting to much and no blood in the pee at all)

So I'm scheduled to go to get the stone sonicated or whatever, on the 18th. I get this message from the woman that according to her charts I'm diabetic and that changes things and she doesn't know if the 18th is gonna work ect. SO I freak the fuck out. I haven't been told I'm diabetic..... not ever.... not even when I was 324lbs. I had incidences of incline resistance which is the precursor to diabetics which is one of the reasons I had the surgery but I NEVER crossed the line. That I know about....... Now the work I do doesn't much lend itself to phone calls so I only give them my cell phone and I only check that in the evening. So I didn't get this message until I got home, but the panic just rose inside me, what if someone somewhere had missed something??? I mean I've had about a billion doctors, one of them could have thought that I had it and all the others thought that one told me about it? I fall through the cracks of every system...... I've been the forgotten one so many times I can't even keep track. So I call her and leave a message freaking out, but I can't wait here all night wondering........ so I call the main Kaiser line and I freak out hard core on this poor tech. I want those records open NOW and I want to know what is in them about me being diabetic. One more day MIGHT hurt me if I slip into diabetic coma and DIE during the night open the G*DDAMN records. Finally a nurse gets on the line and she does open the records and sees........... NOTHING........ she doesn't have a clue what this other woman is talking about. My blood work is fine as of last month. I'm not mad, No I like being scared out of my mind for the last 45 minutes or so and making some poor kids life hell. I enjoy that, look forward to it. If I could think of something mean to do I just might do it and then write about for Zerobosses blogging for books project......... which, in case you don't know the topic is mean things or meanest thing....... hummmmmmm I'm smelling opportunity.......

Guess that wasn't an April fools joke

So they have scheduled me for the nifty cool ultrasound wave to go thru my body and get the stone. Only it won't be for another 2 wks. But that's ok because I stopped pissing blood and I'm not in pain....... right! Fucking Right??????? Because if I'm in pain then I can go get the laser beam stuck into my kidney and be out for 2 weeks...... I'm not in any pain .... I feel fine Right????? Only yesterday, I started to piss blood and I hurt like hell. Today isn't so bad...... I'm gonna hold out... I mean we know what it is now and the boulder that is in there isn't going any where because it is HUGE at 8.5 millimeters (well apparently for a stone that's like 10 mile meteor headed for earth). It happens to be a calcium stone, and we know that because it not only showed up on the CAT scan but also on a simple X-ray. This is bad because of course the new meds that they can give some people, well they don't work on this type of stone. Sigh, whimper, sigh, I'm fine......... next life I'm gonna be rich or a cat or a rich cat, yep and no one will give me hell about being fat and there will only be good food and lots of sleep.