The Cane

I am sure I am not the first 35 yr. old to buy a cane for walking. I probably should get a walker.... I am so unsteady, but I couldn't quiet.... do it........ the cane was hard enough. As it was I couldn't even find myself one of those cool dragon/loin head canes. Na, what I found was a "hospital quality alumin cane" durable too... yippie! Well at least it was a dark blackish color instead of the feared silver. I decided I needed one for a few reason.... first because I am unsteady, and it is pretty bad.... I have come very very close to hurting myself badly with a fall, second to slow me down.... I go fast as I am a city walker.... and it hurts really bad, if I can just slow down I am much better, third is so that others are clued into the disabled thing.... it isn't obvious, I look young and even have an air of energtic happiness...... but it lies.... and I can't carry that bag or pick up what I have dropped or walk quickly to follow you. I will say this....... if it isn't perment I will NEVER EVER take any of this moving thing for grant..... it furthers my desire to work for the stem cell research center that open up in this area in a few years. I am stunned with awe when I think about those that have even less movement then I avilable to them. And it has also furthered my thinking about our drug laws........ I still don't understand how herion is given to me so freely, and yet THC far less addictive is not even considered. I cannot believe for a moment that this is right or good. I don't know that THC would help my pain...... but I do know how addicted I am to my meds and how much it will hurt to dose down. I know how much I fear having my pills with me on the airplane when I visit my family for Xmas (hehehehe should I say the holidays instead.... would any of you caught that??) , I mean what if some dog goes nuts on me? Yet I have the 'script so I am sure I would eventually be ok. But if they put me in jail while they figure it out... do you know how sick I will be?

ok I know I rambled a bit there.... but the bottom line... both my hubby and I were sad to be buying the cane..... It was saying something. I am not sure what, but it was a sad something.

Much love is given

I will say, that despite my foul mood, and mood swings, I keep getting a lot of love. For instance there is a grp of people that I play an on-line game with.... and they know I am sick because we talk and .... just cuz I needed to share and they were there to listen. Last night we were playing.... and this has happened before..... they decide at 1:30am that I need to go to bed and they refuse to keep playing so that I will log off and go to sleep. They are very nice people.......... they check in all during the day to make sure that I am ok, and if I seem tired they are the first to say so and convince me that I need a nap or something. They are good people. I only hope that I do not weigh to heavy on their genrousity. My spouse has also been full of little love things. Making sure that I can get what I need, sometimes helping me get what I want......... alway there to listen to me cry. I can be crazy and depressed around him and he is never scared away by it, never sits down later with me and says I got to stop or change or anything. Never says my fears are silly. Tho' he misses the computer which he got much more time with before I was home all day. And my mom and my anut......... always doing what ever is needed, making suggestions, taking their time of which there is precious little of and coming down, also making pratical suggestions for getting around and doing things. My aunt who is so genrouse with her money........ how ..... I wish I could pay her back every dime, I wish very much that she gets back all that she gives. I have a good family........... we all grew up to be a good family. Then there are the bloggers, who light up my life with their struggles and good writing..... how many countless hrs has my pain been held abay while I listen to you....... and how jelouse I somtimes am to wish I could write my belifs and my struggles with such skill. When I have been to sick to do anything I could come to you and read and share with you folks...... hehe, tho' sometimes I should have held back on my opinions until they were more temperd.

I have been so blessed............ hummm I thought I was alone this morning.... I guess not. :)

How do you keep posting about saddness?

I wish so hard that I could write about hope and strength. I do. I wish I had that to give but I don't. We went to an orintation for the next step of physical therepy and chronic pain clinc. It was....

Well first off I couldn't even sit in the chairs for the 1 1/2hrs.... I had to keep standing up and even then was in so much pain that it was unbearable. I was pratically in tears by the time we left. Next.... next they were straight forward.... if you are here it is because you have reach the end of what medicene can do to "cure" you now we have to focas on how to make your life better with what is wrong with you. It was heartbreaking even tho' I knew it..... To hear that hope was gone. That I am left broken, that I will never be ok.... just have better days and worse days. Thank goodness Juile aka SRD started saying things to prepare me for this a long time ago. I at least could bear it.... even tho' as one girl in the group was railing against what was being said my heart fell to hear them say to her and to all of us that it was basically over........ what ever procedures could be done were done....... now we had to focus on lifestyle, and the question of if I could ever return to work.

I am ok. Sad, but ok. My pain has good days and bad days, good hrs. and bad ones. I am gonna learn, just like if I was blind or deaf, I will learn how to move diffrent how to change my life. This isn't the road I ever thought I would be on.... but here I am.... I am trying to look at it as an adventure..... but I am not quite there yet.

As for thankfulness......... I have never been so grateful as I am for my Mom, and my husband, and even my aunt. I never thought I would have such a wonderful family but I do and it makes me happy even in the mist of all this.

Come sail away with me

Well this new medication called Gabapentin is certianly diffrent. I now feel like the world is rocking and I am as unsteady on my feet as a 10m old baby. They say that effect will go away, thank goodness. In the mean time I got to figure out if the meds are helping or not with the pain. That is harder then you think. So I got a journal going if I can just remember to use it. Where I write in how much med I took and what my pain lvl was at that time etc. I am not out of pain..... but there are hours when I feel like I should just jump up and start scrubbing the bathroom or go back to work ........ hehehehe only to stand up and fall...lol.....

I have been having horrible deppression. Last night my mom called and I told her what all was going on.... I think I scared her...... and she got off the phone and I just started crying histarically poor J. he didn't know what to do with me. I ...... Why does everyone say they want to help and then when I fall apart everyone runs away? Am I really still that scary? J. doesn't run away... he is there doing his best but I feel like I lean on him too much, that I must be a crushing wieght upon him when he has so much to do in the day. Everything is sooo not ok. I donno what to do about it. I can't make myself better... I can't even tho' I keep trying. I try so hard. But the body won't listen anymore. I am broken, like humpty dumpty. Nothing is the same anymore and I can't bring it back.

A list of gratitude

Ok we are focusing on the positive today. For a couple of reason... J. is busy and cannot be my comfort blanket all day today, second because I am determined not to fall down the depression void where no light can enter... just not gonna happen. I may not be able to control everything that is going on physically but I can and will do something about how I am handling what is going on. This list is not in order of importance (hehehehe):

1) The rent is paid we can live in our space for another month and I think we can pay next month too!
2) There are two lovely (if loud and talkative) cats that inhabit our house with us making this into a home
3) I have a great husband that loves me sooooooooooooooo much and is everything and more then I could have asked for.
4)My mom and my aunt have been totally supportive and have been there for me the whole way.
5)I have made friends on the net that are good people and keeps me from being totally closed off from society and makes me feel like I am less stuck in the house.
6) I am getting better....... it isn't at the speed I had in mind but I am actually improving each time I see a doctor.
7)I have health insurance....... at this point the bills would be far beyond me or anyone I know.
8)I have food in the fridge and the electric is on. (but my furnace is not working and I need to call)
9)I have all my fingers and toes and I can use all my body parts tho' sometimes it really hurts to.
10) Clean water I have clean water, which in some part of the world is a really really big deal.

whew that was tough..... I know there is more and more but it can be hard to make these list when you are feeling overwhelmed which is the whole point. I feel better now. I did something it was good. Ok now I can take on the day.

Trying not to fall

I just got back from the Dr. and I am out until Feb. I ........ I guess I'm not suppose to be working. I am trying very very hard not to be sad...... not to be scared. They say that my nerves have just been cut too many times and the pain is because they have learned the signal... along with a bunch of gobble gunk that I didn't quite understand. They are trying new meds...... and I get a new eval. and into an all day program which I don't have any way to get to just yet (gonna figure that out with buses and stuff but I haven't done it just yet). I am feeling very raw and sad. Flustered about money and having to talk to my boss...... which who knows how long that is gonna last...... and just feeling in genreal like I'm living the wrong life. Still I know this is only a temporay feeling.... I am to happy of a person to stay here very long. Expecially when my wonderful spouse has brought a 160LSAT score home and is still a straight A student!!!!!!!!! And does wonderful things like make me breakfast and still does the dishes....... and the cat boxes..... he is good stuff so I can't stay sad for very long. I just am right now.