Welcome to the New Year!

I have just arrived home from a trip back to St. Louis. Well actually......... no ........ actually we got into the airport and head South..... er I think......... To the town where my family came to when they got to the USA. Where my Grandmother when she was in her right mind swore to me that she wanted to go to be this nursing home. Thousands of miles away from her kids, and her grandchild. But she begged me not to fight then...... so I cannot and have not fought since to move her closer to us. She no longer knows who I am or who anyone is........ her brain is shrinking.... I do not know why. But the rate at which it is shrinking and her overall decline leave the doctors to think she will not last much longer. Lets hope that is the only passing that I must see in 2006.

One of the most suprising things that I found in STL, was the stark racism and fear ........ not from the white people who many are racist and many are not but from the young black communty. Still afraid that friendliness of a stranger may bring bad tidings to their door steps, better to look away and pretend you did not hear what was being said. I just wanted to make it stop.......... this strange us-them thing that posiens the air that we BOTH breath. I never have understood the rules and now I am to old to give a darn about them.... I love who I love I find friendship where I can, it saddens me when I see others allowing themselves to be boxed in.

3 days and I will go in for my evaluation. I will find out more about why I hurt like I do. AND because I foolishly did not double check if my meds were packed I missed the Gabpinten and no one would help me fill it on Xmas day............... so by the next day I was screaming in agony........ so ummm yes I would guess that it IS helping me some if not getting rid of the pain completly. Hopefully that alone will give the doctors some clues about what is going on with me. So for hope that is what I have ............ less pain...... less sickness......... less hospital stays.

Hey hey my my

So this last tirtatraion up has been horrible. I feel sick and I can't sleep.......... and I am sick and tired of being sick....... only this time there is no choice..... no saying "whoops this isn't the right path". I am so stuck....... and the depression has indeed sunken into every bone in my body. I daily fight the overwhelming feeling that I am living a pointless life and that I am a stone around the neck of everyone that I meet and expcially to those I love. I am in constant need of reassurance that I am wanted/needed and I hate being so f**king needy. I am pushing away those closest to me and I can barely answer my phone. And the pain isn't going away............ It isn't getting better and it is horrible. I am weary....... and I want out...... but there is no out button.

The Smackdowm

Er MINE smackdown ... down. SO part of the problem of being on the computer and living life on the computer is that people really don't know you. SO when you say something and they assume that you are a 13yr old kid you really can't blame them, after all..... you are on the net which DOES infact have a lot of 13 yr olds on it. What I am upset about...... is that I have been playing on on-line game at Blizzard.

W.O.W as it is known by those of us who play is a fantsy roleplaying game. It is actually a pretty cool graphics game and it helped me waste alot of time while I was in a lot of pain. I had built a whole cast of charater based on the the name trouble..... like troubleme, troubletime, intoit, troubledog (had not been used yet but was created). Today I was told that they were taking away one name and charater for sure (troubletime) and that I should apply for all the rest to be changed or else...... because "has been deemed as inappropriate for the World of Warcraft Role Play Realms by the In-Game Support staff of Blizzard Entertainment." They didn't say in the email that I had to change my other names however the lady I talked to while on line said she recommended it or "Should you have any other character names on your account that violate our Naming Policy and they are reported, the names will be changed and your account may incur further penalties. We will allow you a 7-day grace period to notify us of any potential naming violations on your account." As I don't understand the problem with any of my names..... I don't see how I can judge when I would be in complince. They are not sexual in nature (many names are) , they are not religiouly offensive (tho' many are that too). As far as I know English has not changed so much that the words trouble would not exsit...... and I am pretty sure that trolls and elves would have been thought of as trouble by those in that period of imaginary time. They lady on line was very abrupt..... and pretty unkind and not very helpful. I am sure she didn't want to be. Roxandrea (that is a good name??) didn't seem to care..... and well she probably isn't getting paied enough to.

I am very very sad. This game helped me thru the boring days when I could not walk, and has helped me live thru' the pain that hurts so very badly. I suppose I could do a bunch of fussing and fighting with them but it is a private co. they can have whatever rules they want to..... they just can't have my money too. I will mostly miss the friends that I had finally made there...... I hadn't had such a fun crowd without the worry of work and politics for a very long time. They were a blast! And I have cried half the night in sorrow for my loss.

'Tis the season

I so thought that I would be better by now..... I, thought at the very least I would have answers. But I don't and I won't until the new year has dawned. In the mean time I learn about the world of diabled. Yes, my prolife friends, it has occured to me that G*d might be showing me this world because of my views on giving birth to disabled children (mostly that I think that it is a good reason to have an abortion for those of you that don't know). OF course I have thought of that..... and about a million other reasons that I might deserve this in a karma/life lesson type way. But my disablity is not my hardest trial this season, no, my family......... my grandmother is very very sick her brain is shrinking and it is quiet possible that she will not live out the year...... I have for several years avoided seeing her as she doesn't even know who I am anymore and has not for a long time. I also avoided it because she lives in a nursing home very very far away (many states), and I couldn't go without wanting to bring her home with me, and I do not have that kind of control to be able to do that. I couldn't take care of her anyways.......... not then and not now. But anyways, we are all making our way to see her this year as time/jobs allow. My time is Xmas week. I am scared, I always am, of seeing her there and ooo countless other things about going to that state..... which is home but isn't anymore. I always feel the pull to stay, the desire to somehow help all the people I left behind. To show them that I turned out ok that I really am a good person............. that I wasn't all the things I seemed to be right before I left. BUT it is a mind sink....... because I don't really want to live in that state....... because the people there are far more prejudice then what I have gotten use to living on the coast and I can't help all the people I left behind because I would just get pulled back into the chaos that is their lives. I can only sit out here and whisper out to them that they can leave if they want to. I will also have to listen to christians..... OMG......... these are the fundmentalist of the nutty kind. I will try not to get them too riled up.... but it is hard hard hard. (yes my christian friends I will try very very hard to remember that you too are christian and believe very strongly and I can get along with you so I should be able to in real life... somehow) The worst part will be very little computer if any time. I am considering that I may not be able to do that tho' and am thinking about that laptop that J. needs anyways....... only how do I justify buying that with so many other people who want/need money. I donno..... but don't be suprised if I start babbliing about what a nice new toy he ... er I... um WE have.