Tuesday, December 06, 2005

'Tis the season

I so thought that I would be better by now..... I, thought at the very least I would have answers. But I don't and I won't until the new year has dawned. In the mean time I learn about the world of diabled. Yes, my prolife friends, it has occured to me that G*d might be showing me this world because of my views on giving birth to disabled children (mostly that I think that it is a good reason to have an abortion for those of you that don't know). OF course I have thought of that..... and about a million other reasons that I might deserve this in a karma/life lesson type way. But my disablity is not my hardest trial this season, no, my family......... my grandmother is very very sick her brain is shrinking and it is quiet possible that she will not live out the year...... I have for several years avoided seeing her as she doesn't even know who I am anymore and has not for a long time. I also avoided it because she lives in a nursing home very very far away (many states), and I couldn't go without wanting to bring her home with me, and I do not have that kind of control to be able to do that. I couldn't take care of her anyways.......... not then and not now. But anyways, we are all making our way to see her this year as time/jobs allow. My time is Xmas week. I am scared, I always am, of seeing her there and ooo countless other things about going to that state..... which is home but isn't anymore. I always feel the pull to stay, the desire to somehow help all the people I left behind. To show them that I turned out ok that I really am a good person............. that I wasn't all the things I seemed to be right before I left. BUT it is a mind sink....... because I don't really want to live in that state....... because the people there are far more prejudice then what I have gotten use to living on the coast and I can't help all the people I left behind because I would just get pulled back into the chaos that is their lives. I can only sit out here and whisper out to them that they can leave if they want to. I will also have to listen to christians..... OMG......... these are the fundmentalist of the nutty kind. I will try not to get them too riled up.... but it is hard hard hard. (yes my christian friends I will try very very hard to remember that you too are christian and believe very strongly and I can get along with you so I should be able to in real life... somehow) The worst part will be very little computer if any time. I am considering that I may not be able to do that tho' and am thinking about that laptop that J. needs anyways....... only how do I justify buying that with so many other people who want/need money. I donno..... but don't be suprised if I start babbliing about what a nice new toy he ... er I... um WE have.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Cindy B said...

Oh Achromic, you are not suffering because you deserve it any more than a two year old with cancer deserves it. There is a special reason not known to us humans why you have been given this cross.

St. Teresa of Avila reports from her visions of Jesus: "Believe, daughter, that my Father gives greater trials to anyone whom he loves mor; and love repsonds to these"

1:25 PM  
Anonymous Cindy B said...

That's "more"

1:26 PM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

Yes, Achro, I agree with Cindy. The Lord doesn't want to punish us with pain. I believe He allows us to suffer when He really wants our attention. I tend to ignore Him when everything's going my way.

I am so sorry about your grandmother. It is hard; I will pray for you to have as loving a visit as is possible.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Lee Anne said...

Achro - my dad died three years ago September of Alzheimers. The disease is shitty, ugly and horrible. HOWEVER, I found that while being with him in his terminal stage, I learned that he did love me and I learned that God wanted me to be at his side so that I could see my dad's eyes when he looked at me with pure love...not the usual disdain that I had grown up with. God is funny that way...He uses all sorts of situations to make Himself present to us.

I was with my father as he died. I had never attended a death before, but it was one of the most spiritual, beautiful experiences I had ever had.

I shall be in prayer for you Christmas week...and I shall leave a quote of my father's with you (he NEVER swore, so when he used this, you knew it was important) - "Don't let the bastards* get you down."

*and the Christians in the crowds may well be acting in non-Christians ways and they would qualify for this terminology.

Gosh - Achromic - I am so fond of you and pray you a wonderful trip and I pray against any one hurting you on your trip home! Please give your grandmother a hug from me...and remember, whatever she does is just fine, just fine.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((achromic)) Hang in there!

There are theological debates about whether God sends suffering or simply allows it, but Christians are pretty much agreed that if you give Him the chance He'll turn it to good in your life.

7:04 PM  
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5:46 PM  

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