Saturday, December 17, 2005

Hey hey my my

So this last tirtatraion up has been horrible. I feel sick and I can't sleep.......... and I am sick and tired of being sick....... only this time there is no choice..... no saying "whoops this isn't the right path". I am so stuck....... and the depression has indeed sunken into every bone in my body. I daily fight the overwhelming feeling that I am living a pointless life and that I am a stone around the neck of everyone that I meet and expcially to those I love. I am in constant need of reassurance that I am wanted/needed and I hate being so f**king needy. I am pushing away those closest to me and I can barely answer my phone. And the pain isn't going away............ It isn't getting better and it is horrible. I am weary....... and I want out...... but there is no out button.


Blogger L. said...

Oh Achro, you sound so awful! You`re not "pointless" to your blog friends. I think even perfectly healthy people sometimes get what you call that "overwhelming feeling that I am living a pointless life," but it must be so much worse when you`re in constant pain. And I`ll bet the holidays are making it worse. HANG IN THERE!!!!

6:14 PM  
Anonymous cluttergirl said...

Oh dear. I am so sorry you feel this way. I can only say I know what the depression part feels. Not the pain part, but the depression part. I cannot imagine adding in illness and pain. Do know that you certainly don't come across as needy, a weight or even someone who feels in need of support when you leave comments at my blog and the other diaries I read. I don't know if that helps you at all, but you are obviously still capable of empathy, thought, reaching out, and caring for others in a meaningful supportive and wonderful way. Know that is how you are coming across. That is a far cry from being a weight on others and pointless. Let others support you when you need it, and know that you are appreciated, since you really are. hugs. my best. xx

8:22 PM  
Blogger GrannyGrump said...


Do some of your cognative work when you have those thoughts. Don't let anybody abuse you, and don't beat up on yourself, either.

When that tape player in your head starts telling you how pointless your life is, or what a burden you are, tell that tape where to get off! If you mean as much as you do to us, who only know you online, you mean worlds more to people who know you in the flesh.

Challenge the thoughts.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Silent Rain Drops said...

"It's better to burn out than it is to rust...."

I hate feeling needy, too - but it is only when we are in need that the people who love us are able to show their love by helping us - just call me Pollyanna while I try to find the good even in this, eh? ;).

Dear Achro - it doesn't seem like it now, but I believe you will persevere. You're strong, and already experienced with suffering.

We can get used to the pain, as over time our perception of it adjusts. We need to keep striving for normalcy while testing and stretching our limits - slowly.

It takes some time, and you are in early days, yet. I'm sending big hugs, too. I've been having a lot of sadness recently myself, and have wondered if it's the time of year, as I. says. The sadness and the pain often come together, so closely that I can't tell which causes which anymore - I bet you know exactly how that feels.

Let your people take care of you for awhile...they love you and don't mind.

8:55 AM  
Blogger Val said...

I have GOT to stop reading my friends' blogs at work -- it is very bad form for the Boss to be tearing up at her desk!
Seriously, though, Achro, you are in my thoughts & prayers & I am sorry you are having such a rough time...
I wish I had some profound medical advice, but all I can say is that bad things happen to good people (& pets) all the freakin' time.
Hang in there,

9:47 AM  
Anonymous chasmyn said...

I get this way, too, when my back pain flares up. Just recently, in fact. I love you, girl. I wish I had something wise to say. I don't. Just empathy.

12:42 PM  
Blogger L. said...

Hey there, Achro -- merry Christmas. I hope you feel better!

12:18 PM  
Blogger Gawdessness said...

You are damn right there is no out button!
Something I have had to say to myself more than a few times.

There is us though.
All of us, to tell you that we think of you and worry about you and want to give you hugs and want to make it all better!

Thinking of you right now, willing it to get better, even just a little.

12:13 PM  

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