To the hosipital and back

Well the last 24 hrs has been just delightful. I popped another insinsional herina ......... and it was BIG this time! About the size of my fist. Looks like an alien baby or something. It really really hurt this time. *most hernia's are not painful no that is JUST ME that they are painful grumble grumble grumble* So when I popped it I didn't rush to the hosipital... cuz I know what it is, I know it will take weeks for them to do the Xrays or CAT's and then schedaul me for a surgery..... but then I call in Kasier to request the doctor appt and they tell me that it sounds like I need emergency surgery and would I plz just rush to the ER. That ........ needless to say REALLY upsets me. I freak out........ crying, blubbering mess. I start thinking well ....... if it is that serious maybe I can refuse medical care and just hosipice until I die. Because recovering from another surgery just seems soooooooo pointless. It isn't that I want to stop living I just think my mental state isn't up to round 6 in 3 yrs of recovery. What is worse? we get to the ER we go in and they say 1) you are with the pain clinc so we won't give you any pain meds we think you are basically lieing to us about how much pain you are in......... 2) The hernia has reduced so why are you here? 3) Go away. I was SOOOOOO mad........ I am still so mad. But I am also confused and scared......... if they won't treat me then who will if I get into trouble??? but then again do I want treatment any more? I donno......... And if my stomach musle is shreading like wet tissue why isn't anyone addressing that? Who how do I find someone to address it? My life is pointless......... my entire exsitance ............. AND they STILL want to know when I am comming back to work....... Like how am I suppose to be ok with that???? I LIFT heavy things ALL day. No stomach muscle...... WTF. I hate them I hate them ALL.

For those of you that got a note from my mom....... yes that is ok. She is my mom she is allowed ... and she is the ONLY one allowed to be all sorts of busybodying around my friends and me and all that. I like it when she is doing that sort of mom stuff. We had a lot of tough tough teenage life stuff when I was a kid so I will take all the love she has for me now thank you much!