Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Am I only Dreaming? ooo Ziggy is here where is the band?

Yesterday was another doctors visit........ this was to prep me for the upcoming Intensive treatement and movement classes. It was a lot harder then it sounds....... because in many ways I have retreated to my teenage self in my actions and manpulations. I don't mean too...... I really don't....... that is an ugly part of me that I wish would just take a hike. So first thimg was I threw a bloody tantrum because they need someone to come in and take a class from 3-5 on friday night........ J. works on Friday and we need the money if no one can come in for me then I can't come to the class. I don't have a single person I feel close enough to ask to do that for me........ first of all it is all the way in SF which this class is in the middle of rush hr. with the amount of bridges that are in the bay area rush hr has a new meaning.......... it is not unusal for rush hr. to make somone who might live 10mls away be about 1-2 hr drive. Much less my family WHO ALL HAVE JOBS take the trip from 50mls away. It seemed insermountable...... I start to cry-sniffle and say what was the pt in me coming here? how dare they get my hopes up? At the time I swear the world was coming to an end and it was ALL THEIR FAULT! .......... I am so so so embarssed. I donno how we are gonna fix this problem yet but they started outlining other ways they have done it before....... one of them swore that we are gonna find away for me to go to this thing. Ok I guess seeing a grown woman (of which I am I assure you) discomboulate might just might make you suggest that a full pych work up is in order......... heheheheh actually it was the other way around she suggested the work up long before I started to freak.... however after I freaked she was booking upstairs to talk to mister MD. I told her tho' I am not really for any meds...... I mean I might try it but not really for it....... I like my depression just fine I know how it works I get thru it and I don't get any funny side effects. Two more things that I am not sure about with this program is that they want me to stop coffee....... now I donna drink coffee because of the caffeine I drink it so I can poo..... I have tried all the drugs that they sell for it and while I pulled large chunks of poo out my ass with all the blood from the HUGE HORSE LIKE POO trying to come out I just don't care I will drink my coffee and go poo every day. But no..... they want to try their drugs......... caffiene is working for me but they got something better................ why????? Apparently we are gonna have a go at this one I need them to prove to me that coffee has anything at all to do with pain and nerve endings. I am not just giving it up and taking their drugs for the say so of it....... sticking my own hand up my ass was bad enough having their hands up my ass (you know I am feeling very south parkish). The last thing that I am hesitant on is the switching my Oxycodine from a pill to a liquid....... they are doing this to tritate it down........ I understand that not against that part of it...... I am against the little voice in my head that is saying "WHEEEEEEE liquid drugs are gonnna feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good". See I know how much I am gonna like that bit of pow. That scares me. It feels all the more closer to the street drugs. I know that it is under a doctors care, I do understand that, but I also know how much I love the high. Even after the retching I want it. Even now with just the pills I have to remind myself........... I mean I am in a heck of a lot of pain, but I am no immune to the call of it. I feel like a teen again....... out of control of my own life, nothing turn out the way anyone said it would, lots of work that I don't like to do but I have to do it, and the whole time feeling like if I don't take the right steps I am gonna fall into some deep abyss that no one will be able to save me from. I want to be a cat next time around, a big fat hair house cat.


Blogger Gawdessness said...

You are simply amazing.
I hope you hear me.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Achromic, you have been through so much! I just want you to know that you are absolutely not the first (or last) patient to burst into tears in a doctor's office or hospital. You are in pain and not feeling well. It's a pretty normal reaction. I myself have done it more than I would like to remember and thank heavens they have all but slipped my mind. Hang in there girl and don't be afraid to speak up for your needs both physical and emotional from the medical community. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work »

8:42 PM  

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