Wednesday, December 08, 2004

My life as the Messiah (only because the virgin thing wouldn't work)

This is blogging for book entry. Go here if you want to know more about it:

Being the Modern Messiah is not easy. First of all no one gives a damn. "Give me miracles" they say but how many miracles do they want? I remember my first miracle well. My grandfather looked at his garden and said "Boy we sure could use some rain." So I prayed for rain and low and behold a few days later rain came. I knew right then that G*d and I had special connection. I would find that connection when standing at the line to get food stamps and would pray "G*d let me get to actually talk to someone today" and low and behold I would. It has also been helpful at the DMV when I would pray " G*D don't let that sick frustrated bastard take out an AK47 out and blow us all away" and sure enough G*d's hand would come down and we would all be safe. It is less helpful on the highways here in the USA. I'm pretty sure Satan has a lock on them because every single time I'm on the highway some demon is trying to kill me. That is right and fitting because of course Satan would be afraid me, it is even said that hell hath no fury like a scorned woman, but trust me a woman does not have to be scorned to make anyone's life hell.

Now my beginnings are not the same as what most people might think that a messiah needs. It's true my mother was not a virgin when she had me, but seriously it was the '60 and it was Haight Ashbury so it was really just a miracle that she decided to have me in a hospital. She doesn't remember any shepherds or any big lights in the sky over SF, but you know she doesn't seem to remember a heck of a lot from that time. I do recall her mentioning lots of incense, marijuana and several guys with "alternative lifestyles". To tell you the truth I think the guys and the marijuana were probably a heck of a lot more fun then myrrh and some foreign kings. Not only that but by having a much less auspices birth I didn't have some king trying kill all the children born in the same year as me, which I think is a plus.

I did visit the desert but I didn't do the 40 days and 40 nights there, however, I did spend a little over 2 yrs in New Jersey and I think that should count. The devil's had a long time to work out on the east coast and it is filled with the number one sign of satan's work...... Bureaucracy. Never in my life have I seen so many people who wanted to tangle up anyone trying have fun. They have strip clubs, more then I've ever seen, but don't get in a car with a black man because you're gonna go to jail. Naked is good, but apparently accepting a ride from an African American is evil according the law in New Jersey. Another sure sign of the devil is that all signs in New Jersey are not the signs that you are suppose to follow. Ever try and get out of AC following the signs to the highway? Leads you right into the part of the woods where the New Jersey devil is suppose to live.

I don't have 13 disciples but my mom has about that many cats, they aren't as helpful as 13 disciples would be and I think they cost a bit more, but on the other hand none of them are gonna betray me to the Romans (aka Homeland security). Life on a whole is pretty good when G*d is on your side and I pretty much like being a messiah, but then again don't we all?


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5:07 PM  
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