Saturday, January 21, 2006

My Day

1.) Get up somewhere between 5-9am sometimes even as early as 4:30 or as late as 10 but rarely. Feel the pain...... decide to take my meds before I ripe my skin to shreads trying to take out that which is hurting me.
2) Make the coffee and read blogs. Think about if I should kill myself before J. wakes up and decide not to. (and you thought that what you write in your blogs met nothing HA)
3) Go game for a bit
4) Figure out if I need to go see someone or do something. Usually I do not. Make lunch not becuase am hungry but because I am feeling nausa and I know that is because I am hungry.
5) Make what phone calls I have to make to doctors, work, family etc. Try very hard not to cry hystariclly into the phone as the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness overwhelm me.
6) Start playing the game of how long can I hold out before I need to take more opaites. Usually a fast loss game but it seems to be irrisestable.
7) Go back to gaming and try and make a plan to go to the gym.
8) Unless my husband con't to prod me to go to the gym decide not to go.
10)I might take a breif nape of which horrible dreaming occurs several of which I cannot tell the diffrence between the dream and reality which scares me.
11) Do more gaming
12) check the blogs and my emails one more time responding to stuff.
13) fall asleep soundly wondering if I will wake up to do it all again of which the answer so far has been yes.


Blogger Gawdessness said...

I am thinking of you, I often do during a day. Tomorrow I will think of you as I run and I will light a candle for you at church.

The only other thing I could offer is a hug, and I can mail that to you if you want -
it would be a scarf and it would be in the colour and material of your choice and light or thick as you specify.

I would knit support and care in with every stitch and then send it to you.

Email me if you would like to take me up on it!

11:41 AM  
Blogger MonochromaticRainbow said...

No one is happy you are gone. It was a huge misunderstanding on everyone's part. Everyone misses you and wishes you would come back. I can't help the way you feel, and I respect that you feel that way, but I am helpless to try and make anything better. Dal, Matthew, and I are worried, Golgan said he would welcome you back with open arms, Des and Dax miss you horribly and keep talking about what a sweetheart you are. No one wanted you to leave, and no one wants for you to not come back. But I can't make you change your mind. If this is the last I am ever to hear from you, I want to wish you luck an happiness in your life, and that your health continues to improve. I can't think of anything else to say right now, my tears and grief at this loss of the light you brought into all our lives has overcome me. Best wishes to you, my friend.

4:09 PM  
Blogger L. said...

Wow, judging by the comments, I`d say that technology has allowed people who would otherwise be very lonely (people like you with health problems or people like the last commenter, who says he just has trouble making connections face to face) hook up with each other. Critics complain that computers are replacing personal connections, but I think they`re also enabling them, where in the past there would have just been people with a void in their lives.

8:48 PM  
Blogger achromic said...

I am removeing these as I do not wish my real name to be "on display" not that I....... I mean it is such a common one that I thought to let it stand. I have .... I believe taken care of what was wrong. Agreed, I, it is more then what the critics say it is otherwise the pedfilea crowd would not find it so effective..... children do not leave their homes and rush into danger without thinking that someone really cares. Not that these two are that or I am child........ but I often find myself careing very deeply about the people on here so I can see that it would be easy for someone to take advantage of that.

7:38 AM  
Blogger GrannyGrump said...


Is there no experimental program you can get into that can help you with your pain?

7:44 AM  
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6:44 PM  

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