Achromic on the run

11 yrs for my hubby and I

2006-11-25T23:54:00.000-08:00

Oh our wedding anniversy is sometime in the spring. But we met on Thanksgiving really when he asked me out of the blue to help feed all the people who couldn't go home for thanksgiving ...... and I just never left. I thought about it a million times because quite honsetly I am not the type of girl that is good for anyone in the long run, but J. eased my mind and made it easy to stay. I am with the best person I could possible be with. I am so happy to know him.

A new post WHOA.....

2006-11-15T09:41:00.000-08:00

I know I know I have not posted in a while. But my life was really pretty boring while I worked on the "inner" me. The doctors are now calling it adjustment disorder with depression cuz I simply refuse to accept the condition I am in. Actually tho my conditioin has been steadly improving. Which I got to see in full force yesterday as I went WILD and CRAZY by accepting another bloggers invitation to go to Costco. Let me just say right now L from Homesick Home
is so nice that if you ever get invited to go anywhere where she is you should get your boots on and go. Her lil boy was with us....... can I just say this kid was SO cute and good! OMG he was SO good. For me it was the first time out with someone not my family in....... ummmm........ a year? More? Me who use to be so madly independant can barely go to the store, but yesterday I did and it was good. I just need to keep doing this kind of stuff I have stayed hidden for too long and it isn't doing me or my family any good.

Pain and suffering

2006-09-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I have been going to a class........ because I am feeling pretty bad.......... to learn how to not feel so bad. It is hard cuz really my life feels REALLY hard right now. I am still in pain. I am still on heavy pain medication........ I have no reason to belive that the pain will ever go away. No one is saying that to me anymore. Excpet for J. and my mom...... One of the things I learned or was told today that I am pondering quite hard. Is that I AM in pain but that I choose to suffer. In other words I say things in my head about that pain (i.e. it is my fault, I deserve this, if only, etc.) that cause me to suffer. In other words I take a bad sitution and make it worse. I am still thinking about that ........ I know I have been guilty of doing that at many many times in my life but am I doing that NOW. In other words am I limiting myself from feeling ANYTHING good because I want to suffer? or I don't know how to be without suffering? Yes. Yes I am. And it isn't working out so good. It really works like crap. I am not gonna spend time wondering why I do this to myself...... I need to change first, why's we can figure out later. I am not sure how to stop just yet, I don't know how to make the physcial part of me not effect the emtional part of me. But I think there is good reasons to try. I have a good family and a wonderful life........ it would be nice to enjoy both sometime soon.

I am talking to your kids and so is everyone else

2006-09-04T17:47:00.000-07:00

I play a game on line called World of Warcraft. It is like a big Dungeons and dragons game only the charaters are diffrent if that helps you imagine it a bit. In this game I am talking to people all over the world. (that is SO cool) They are talking to me. We group together to go adventuring together in this game, and we have ways of talking to each other. This game has lots of...... very pretty charaters on it..... that you make and control they are you and you can do lots of things with them (not have sex you cannot do that). BUT it is clear to me that this is a pretty adult type game young adult sure but adult. So what are your kids doing there!!??! Your kids.....asking me stuff like how to get the girl they like to look at them? and what they should do about their sucidal friend?? and if they are coming to me who sits there and says listen I am an old lady at 36 go play with the ppl your own age.... what do you THINK people who like kids the wrong way are doing??? Why are your kids on there for 10-15hrs at a time?? WHY?? I can't protect them this game is huge thousands of people at least are on it with 20+ server and that is just the USA servers. And yes I try and tell them to go to their parents but still....... usually they just move on to the next person and ask them .... I don't know where the parents are..... I wish it was just one kid..... but it isn't..... I really get mad. Grown up things should be for adults, get your kids on a kid game with a high lvl of moderation. Our moderters are not suffecnet enough to take care of your kids. At 15$ a month what did you expect?!!? come on no one gets paied that little to take care of your kids......

Its a carnival...... so they tell me

2006-08-25T01:15:00.000-07:00

Well the whole idea is explained far better here carnival

So what I want you to know............

1) I was gonna do this about my cat but then I decided my cat knows me well enough and can't read so that was pointless and futile and while I DO do futile things I usually don't know they are futile at the time of actually doing them.
2)Ya I know my spelling s**ks to the horrifcation of most of my totally brilliant family I came up with dyslexic and even with great spell check I can't spell right which basically made me hate anything to do with good English. But unfortunately I also crave to communicate my ideas and myself so I do write.
3)I totally don't care what you believe in unless you are trying to make laws that I feel would stop me from being free. Things like stopping me from killing myself, my fetus or smoking pot seem wrong to me not that I am actively pursuing the doing of any of those things at the moment. I just like to know that even if I am the stupidest idiot on the planet I still have the right to my own body and can if I want to do those things.
4)I don't hate America or the human race or little kids. I am child free but that is just how it worked out had nothing to do with disliking children. I actually think us humans are pretty cool animals I would like to see us survive I have cominted most of my adult life to things that are about that actually. America.... I was so ready to leave you when I thought you were ok, but now that I see you as soul sick and sliding down in a pit of apathy and spoilness I find that I cannot leave you ....... some how I want to make it better...... but I am realistic to know that I may just be one wittiness to a great decline.
5)I am ......... not well....... I am not sick...... in pain every day most of the time. I thought I would get better for along long time. I fought tooth and nail to get better......... but now I know it isn't. Whatever is wrong isn't clear enough for the doctors to fix. I do not understand my diagnoses. I donno if I don't understand because they are not clear or because I have become to sick in the head to hear it. I don't even know which one I fear more.
6)I play a game on the computer called world of warcraft. I make many friends outside of my apt. It helps me to not feel alone. But sometimes it keeps me from doing the things I should.
7)I am so proud of my spouse for going back to school and keeping a 4.0 and a 160 LSAT, the law schools were all sending him letters! And now he is there in school with all those big books. But I am also scared....... one day he will see himself as I always have and know he is too good for me.
Ok that is all I got that is me in a flash. Nothing big nothing crazy sorta boring.

He HAS a job interview!!!!!!!!

2006-08-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

We cleaned the living room and did a DAMN fine job of it. And then when we were done the phone rang and it was a JOB calling for my hunny!!!!!

Don't know nothing about it yet...... except that the salery will only be a lil bit less then mine was so we can mangage that....... nothing about bennies yet or ANYTHING. It isn't the city court like we had been hoping but ........ it is a JOB!!!!!! His first as a paralegel!!!!!! I am so so excited we have been on pins and needles waiting since June....... he has put in........... something like 15 resumes a week...... since June. Finally someone....... SOMEONE is gonna see how brillent my hunny is when he is in his element.

mine new favorte place on the web

2006-08-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

this guys is an roit! NOT WORK SAFE!!!!!!!!

zefrank

I got it from a comment on:

Homesick

Who everyone should be reading cuz she is awsome.

I love the web it is the best thing since we learned to make fire.

The blow job post

2006-08-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

Mom and kid that are underage you can stop reading right here I am gonna talk about sex if you stay don't complain to me you were warned.

The other day I was reading Bag's blog and she had a wonderful post about her relationship and some how it got into the realm of blow jobs and a lady made a comment about what she thought a blow job was about "I find it offensive that he expects you to regularly engage in an activity that only results in pleasure for him. That's selfish, self-centered, and kind of degrading. " Now mind you there are some men that do make oral sex all about degradation and if THAT is done by consent fine ....... but I think MOST men see it as a sign of trust. Believe it or not putting a penis between someone's TEETH is a pretty trusting act. And while we all laugh and say that all men enjoy it....... trust me some men are pretty fearful about it..... after all they have all grown up by now with the stories of some woman out there biting off penises and throw them in the street to get run over by a car....... don't believe me? Ask around trust me the thought has gone through their head that the woman that is giving them the most pleasure could in an instant cause them the most horrible physical pain they can imagine. See it is not the man RECEIVING the blow job that is in control and if you as a woman don't feel that way then mayhap you need to rethink your own power. Now some women I know, have such issues with sex and power that they cannot get much pleasure from most sexual acts..... there are men out there with the same problems..... my heart goes out to you really it does. My life is better for the sexuality that has been a part of it every since I was old enough to grasp that I was wanted in that way. I feel no shame it the subtle play between men and women or women and women or men and men...... tho some I find more pleasurable then others. Love is a treasure....... it allows you to trust someone to do to you what you may not be so trusting with others...... it allows you the space to need and want we should not assign a neg. value to those wants without proof of unhealthy and evil. A blow job for the most part is a gift......one that goes both ways it is a gift of pleasure to the one receiving and a gift of trust to the person giving the blow job..... both gifts can be wonderful, sought after, and wanted.

There isn't much I like about censoring

2006-08-11T01:03:00.000-07:00

But I am finding the commerials for the 9-11 movie hard to take. It is more then I just don't want to see it.... it makes me sick like puking sick. I don't know why. At the time it was stunning and horrifying but I had def. been around horrifying before........But it has grown in my mind perhaps because we are still at war and the wars in the middle east seem to grow worse each year that passes. Perhaps it is because I belive in my heart of hearts that it maybe the begining of the end and I am still so very scared of what the end will look like. It has certianly only made my intolarance to fantics of any type worse....... and deepened my distrust of christianty as I really view it as their war. Some of you may say how can you say it is the xtians war? well unlike us here in the USA SOME people don't forget and the pope started a war with the muslims a LONG long LONG time ago and they are still at war..... it never ended...... only settled down for a bit. And the roots of what happened lay there. Yes some ppl hate us for more recent crimes of which there are many but in truth they are not much worse then most countries do when they are the ones in power. But many ppl were fed the hate of the xtains for genration after genration for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Any who........ The commercial really bugs me....... somethings are still to raw. I certianly won't go see it. I don't need to. I remember it in vived detail. My spouse was at the airport ..... he called as I was getting up and rdy for work he said " I am ok" and I said "why wouldn't you be?' and then he told me and then he listened while I turned on the TV because I didn't belive him...... I never do about bad news .. I donno why...... maybe because most of the time he only has happy good things to tell me so to hear stuff that is truely awful is double shocking. I still had to work because animals need food and water and clean places no matter if a building is falling and ppl are dieing. Today we heard that the bombers were found before they did anything bad......... I am so happy that we did........ but also sad that we are still hated enough for them to want to. If anything we are hated even more now then we were. I wish all people that wanted to fight about their religion and or their believes about what is right for thier neighbor would just get beamed up to the moon and those of us that just want to enjoy what is here and what has been created could do just that.

Plan B

2006-08-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

Well I am told that Plan B is soon to be over the counter for people over the age of 18 in CA. For those of you that don't know what I am talking about Plan B is basically this drug you take 24-48 hrs after having sex where a "whoopsie" happened and you want to make sure you didn't get preg. My limited understanding is that it keeps a feritlized egg from implanting on the uterus lining. BUT if you want the details well go do your own google search. Now....... most of you might think that I would be jumping up and down for joy over this. After all I AM very prochoice. But instead I am worried. We are not talking about bendryal people......... this stuff has more complications then weed or alchol. AND the fact is ............ the fact is I see to much of a high risk for abuse. I think that Plan B should be avilable..... don't get me wrong about that. Just not at the local Walgreens next to the snuffle meds and the preg. test. Why? Because I can see parents who give their kids plan B without the kid ever knowing...... I can see boyfriends and husbands doing it too. I can see this drug being taken in huge amounts by kids that think if one is good 5 will do better. And I am worried about that. I don't think having it over 18 is any help...... jeesh we can't get the counter people to care about carding for alchol and smokes. AND when you are younger then what you are carding for I can see why that would make you uncomfortable....... expecially for a job that is at such a high risk of robbery and pays so low. I wouldn't care...... if I was stuck like that year after year after year. And I can't help but think this is the wrong way for us to go. While I belive the option to end a preg. should always be avilable I also believe that we have to stop thinking that becoming preg. is such a horrible awful thing. That this teaching our kids that it is something to fear, something to dread inside, something that will keep you from ever reaching your dreams or doing the things you want to do........ is just wrong. So in this way I belive it is not the best choice for us to remove the doctor from the equation.

There IS one other reason I think this is a bad move. I think that it puts everyone that is in that store at risk from religous fanticals. That we are endangering people for some "win" . Why we can't just keep this in the pharmcy where there is usually securty anyways I don't know. I don't understand. I see how it might help a few girls who are to scared and to shy to get their butt to a doctor....... but at what price? I just don't know.

I may like you but not your religion

2006-07-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

Lately I have come to realize that I just cannot come to terms with the Christian religion. I tried to over come my prejudices and I even took up reading some parts of the bible with Naamen. But the more I read and the more I thought about the more it seemed to me like a horrible abusive relationship. I don't understand what people get out of it...... and at this point I am done trying to see their side of things. Some things are so morally repungent to me it takes all my strength not burn every single bible I come across. In my eyes this book and the interpations of it are so misguilded, evil, and wrong that I find myself seriously wondering if the people who belive in it are mentally insane. I know I know that some of you will find what I am saying to be horrible. Even my friends who are not christian are probably wondering what happen. The thing is nothing happened except that one person that I thought goodly of started talking about the bibles and gays....... this person did so months ago and I have been trying to come to terms with it now for some time. But I find myself as if one of us suddenly stumbled on a tribe of canniblist...... appalled, horrifed. No matter how many times I tell myself that they are of a diffrent culture and that everyone has a right to their culture I cannot get over the fact that the christian communty wants not only to control their house but mine and everyone else too. I find that no matter how much I try to understand them that I still can work up no sympathy with their causes or their desires. I have found some good people inside, stuck to a religion, and many times it smacks of brainwashing instead of faith. I know I maybe SHOULD keep trying to be open minded.........I will try to be kind........ and that will just have to do.

Naming things

2006-07-08T15:56:00.000-07:00

I did something nice for a guy that is a milatary doctor. And then he did something nice in return. He is a special doctor with lots of training in caring for people that have been doing things I don't want to think about. I don't ask much more then that because I suspect he can't tell me some stuff and I don't want him to lie or say he can't tell me. But anyways..... we talked about what was going on...... and then out of the blue he says "you hate them" and suddenly I knew it was true. I hate all those doctors...... even the ones that haven't done anything to me. I keep trying not to hate them because I am afraid if I hate them they won't help me. And it has led me into this cycle of ...... denile and unablity to communcate with them. But once he SAID it....... once he named what was going on in my head...... then I could see why every conversation with a doctor led to me feeling worse, confused and bitter. I know lots and lots of people that CAN hate....... I can't. It is posien to me. When I hate things I go into self destruct........ and I have been doing that for a bit now even tho' I was not doing anything outwardly to show that I was. I have no good ways of dealing with anger..... I mean I really don't. But now that I know what I am doing I can start dealing with it. I will start with prayer...... I know that sounds strange but so far it is the only thing I can see working ...... pray that they will not make the same mistakes with others that they have made with me....... pray for them to have clear vision, steady hands, and clean work places. Pray that they need to harm no one else to learn how to do what they do better. It is the only thing I ever found to help with hate...... I mean my hate is SSOOOO deep...... I never figured out how to forgive. I never figured out how to stop plotting vengene and and........ it is just not good thing. I donno ........ how do any of you handle hate and fear? what do you do when you need the very people that you hate and fear to help you?

Doing my best to pretend

2006-07-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

That I am ok. I think I am physcally the herina at least has stayed reduced and the pain has gone down. Inside in my head...... not so good. It isn't as bad as it was on some of the crazy type drugs or anything..... but I am almost afraid to move some days. Afraid....... of everything. I don't know how to be happy anymore....... I don't know what that looks like..... I just live in fear of more pain.... every day every breath every moment. It is........ totally crazy. I know that. I know. I can't handle critsim without crying...... I can't handle sympathy without crying. I just stay huddled up to my computer....... doing a lot of nothing. BUT....... I am trying to stop that.

Here is how.

I went and bought more herbs to put in my garden out back
At the same time I bought a sander and am planning on sanding some furiture my aunt doanated to the cause and painting it in cute pictures.
I am still going to the gym 3 times a week...... I need to go more but.......
I am trying to do the next thing and the next thing and the next thing

And that is all. It seems like a small list. But it is all I have right now. Small things. I have a therpist...... I have group thing I go to for ppl that have chronic pain issues.

To the hosipital and back

2006-06-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

Well the last 24 hrs has been just delightful. I popped another insinsional herina ......... and it was BIG this time! About the size of my fist. Looks like an alien baby or something. It really really hurt this time. *most hernia's are not painful no that is JUST ME that they are painful grumble grumble grumble* So when I popped it I didn't rush to the hosipital... cuz I know what it is, I know it will take weeks for them to do the Xrays or CAT's and then schedaul me for a surgery..... but then I call in Kasier to request the doctor appt and they tell me that it sounds like I need emergency surgery and would I plz just rush to the ER. That ........ needless to say REALLY upsets me. I freak out........ crying, blubbering mess. I start thinking well ....... if it is that serious maybe I can refuse medical care and just hosipice until I die. Because recovering from another surgery just seems soooooooo pointless. It isn't that I want to stop living I just think my mental state isn't up to round 6 in 3 yrs of recovery. What is worse? we get to the ER we go in and they say 1) you are with the pain clinc so we won't give you any pain meds we think you are basically lieing to us about how much pain you are in......... 2) The hernia has reduced so why are you here? 3) Go away. I was SOOOOOO mad........ I am still so mad. But I am also confused and scared......... if they won't treat me then who will if I get into trouble??? but then again do I want treatment any more? I donno......... And if my stomach musle is shreading like wet tissue why isn't anyone addressing that? Who how do I find someone to address it? My life is pointless......... my entire exsitance ............. AND they STILL want to know when I am comming back to work....... Like how am I suppose to be ok with that???? I LIFT heavy things ALL day. No stomach muscle...... WTF. I hate them I hate them ALL.

For those of you that got a note from my mom....... yes that is ok. She is my mom she is allowed ... and she is the ONLY one allowed to be all sorts of busybodying around my friends and me and all that. I like it when she is doing that sort of mom stuff. We had a lot of tough tough teenage life stuff when I was a kid so I will take all the love she has for me now thank you much!

9 years each one better then the last

2006-05-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

May 17th is my wedding anniversary. The one biggest things I did in my life that I have never regretted for even an instant. My spouse is loving, respectful, trustworthy, humorous, good person. And I am always trying to live up to being as good as he is. He makes me want to be a better human being without ever making me feel like there is something wrong with how I am right now today. In this trouble world and often turbulent times he is the one thing that I count on.

Does that mean our house is some sort of paradise of happiness? Oh please be real. We fight about money, chores, and sex just like every other couple. Usually it is me doing the fighting while J. is trying to negotiate a way out........... he hates conflict. I fight without rules, without good manners, without that thing in your head that says "don't SAY that". Often I regret it. I try to do better, and I am learning, abet slower then most people do. If it wasn't for J. Unflagging sense of humor at the face of my furry I am sure we would have never made it this far.

It is my spouse that provides the moral fortitude and sense of purpose. While I can dream a million dreams a minute, he careful shifts thru what he wants and sets his sights up on attainable goals. My morals are often of the moment rather then of some long term idea. Personal morals rather then social ideals. Which often put me head to head with the law, supervisors, and friends. Fortunately my spouse often talks me out of my impulses, this I am sure leads to less jail time and fines and probably keeps my jobs going longer too.

If my years with my spouse are mutilplied by 10 it would still not be enough time. I know the last 3 years I have scared him a few times by almost dyeing and the repeated operations. But I hang on out of desire to spend more time with with him. I hope all people are fortunate enough to meet someone like my hubby and it saddens me when I hear of marriages made of less then what I have. It also bothers me greatly that people who love each other much as me and J. do are not allowed to get married. For I don't think it would have mattered to me if J. was a woman..... it is not his shape that I am in love with tho' I find his shape pleasing to me. But it is who he is with me and who I am with him that I find my life happier and filled with much joy.

Thank you Unvierse for letting me spend time with such a good person! And thanks mom for helping me be who I am so that I could find and be with such a good wonderful person!

This is something I wrote a while back

2006-04-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

Stretch my wings in morning light
Brushing up against the measured glass
To see what time has brought
Every age seizes the hour
‘til my crippled hands break

War inside my skin
To flee the waiting for heaven sent
Taste of glory in every breath
Still brings me no peace of mind
Hold me close while I shake the last dose
Into my beating heart

Where are these angels?
For fools they should come
Prayers have never sufficed

Clawing at porcelain G-ds
Laying my head to pink holy tiles
Cool breeze comes with whispers of songs
That bear no memory
Reaching from behind
Love tries to break in
Thru' locks of tears and blood

G-d if I've denied you one too many times
Let your hell have me
Protect this home from my lost grasp
Take care of where I might fall
Keep your angels for those I've left behind
Let all I have taken return to earth
Give your blessing to all I've cursed
Let this heavy head have rest

**Edits done by my FAVORITE editor...... MOM!

And the reason I put something so somber up is to remind myself that things are not as bad as they were that day. We have been talking on some of the prolife sites about sucide and the right to live and die. This always is of interst to me because to me it seems as if you always have the right to die. BUT had it been legel....... if assited sucide was not just something that we talked about for the termianlly ill but for anyone at anytime........ would anyone had bothered to help me in my many depressed states?? Now...... remember I have been in and out of sugery for the past 3 years it is perfectly normal, so I am told, for people to be depressed after sugery. It takes so so so much for your body to heal........ and the deeper and more invaisve the sugery AND the older you are the more it takes and the more likely you are to become depressed. So I don't mind saying I was deeply depressed. I love my spouse........ but when you are depressed it is hard hard hard to love anyone enough to hang on. I was lucky he con't to love this lazy non-working person despite all of the problems........ never getting angry, never saying "how could you", always...... ALWAYS being there. But what if I could have gone to my doctor and said I don't want to live give me enough stuff and let me go to sleep and die??? Worse...... what if after my first set of sugeries they said " You know you didn't handle sugery well, you got deppressed, we think that you should commit sucide rather then have another operation." That is what some of the prolife people are afraid will happen if the assited sucide is thought of as normal and ok. Not right away........ no first would be only those in horrible termainally and painful situtions........ but...... how long does it take to get to a case like mine..... considering how the insurance co. and admistrater have pressured doctors into cutting cost how long before my treatment isn't worth it to them?? It is something that I think about. I am for people's right to choose death.... and even to get the pills and shots to make it more comfortalbe on the way out...... but I worry at what price we the people here would pay for such a freedom.

IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

It took time...... true..... and I almost gave up (don't we all get to that place??) and just this morning I gave in to some of my right wing prolife buddies and agreed to go to a post abortive retreat ( lol I know my prochoice friends that you fear what will happen but it is MY choice to go) and then...... THE IDEA hit. Yes I know I know I get LOTS of crazy gonna make me rich/happy type ideas and then I find out how much I don't know and how impossible they are and forget about it. BUT this one is diffrent. It has a nice solid base, fits a need in the communty, can probably be started up here in my home before I need anything else. If if if I need a business loan it probably won't be a huge one. It is a GOOD idea. And no I am not telling you what it is excatly just yet. First I got to do some research and find out who and IF there is any comptition then I got to figure out how other business like the one I am think of run and then maybe copywrite the name of it...... and grab a busines license. AND I have already figure out how/who to run it..... see what have I been meeting lately but other people like me who are disabled? YES these people with bright minds and good souls who cannot do the job they once did. I am thinking that I will make it policy that we hire people who either want to work as much as SS will let them or are not disabled ENOUGH that SS will cover them. Yes this suits me very very very well. And at least at first I will have run it thru profit sharing..... hummmmm I got a friend that does accounting maybe she can help me too.... at least help me figure out the BIGGER holes in that part of the plan. I am excited. I know it isn't gonna be easy..... but it will be part of me and part of those that join me. Can we here are big YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA

Thank ya

The Next thing

2006-04-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

Ok.... I am trying to listen here G*d, but yer not talking to loud or maybe your just not talking. I've been home for a long time now and I know you didn't want me to have that old job I had, I knew it a long time ago but it was just to scary to let it go without you shoving me out the door. I have been real good at listening to people's suggestions and while they all sound real intersting nothing sounds right for me. I know I could just try and find a job like my last job, but I am pretty sure that I can't do the physcal side of it anymore..... and I think I can hear pretty good that is a big fat NO don't do that. Everything else is just sort of sitting there...... waiting....... G*d you KNOW how much I hate not knowing what to do. I like deadlines and need guidance er and money doesn't hurt either. I know I am real good at helping people when you put them in my life, but I don't think I can make money doing it, that just feels all wrong too. So, if you wouldn't mind G*d how about alittle clue? some sign that I am at the very least on the right path? I know I am suppose to have this faith thing down and just trust but..... er you know I am REALLY bad at that too..... so if you wouldn't mind .... I mean I realize you are busy..... but if you could spare a breif little tiny bit of something I would really be grateful. Also while your at it could you please give Naamen and Naamen wife the strength and courage to go thru the brith of their new baby which I think is coming soon!

I am a walnut tree.......

2006-04-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

LOL I was reading over here

and I am a walnut tree:
Walnut Tree (Passion) — unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

I would say that it use to be right....... I am not very jelouse anymore but I am by nature..... I am still slightly egotistic.... after all when you are responsible for the entire worlds misrey that IS a feat indeed. My spouse is a Cypress:
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) — strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what Life has to give but doesn’t necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

That is mostly true as well except for the quick temper part..... I have only seen J. lose his temper a handful of times maybe less. Well ..... unless you count on the road..... but that doesn't count because when they are all out to kill you it is hard not to lose ones temper.... lol actually he isn't too bad about that just unpleasent.

I donno how many people saw me posting over at one of the momma bloggers who seemed to be having a rough go at it this weekend. I felt and still feel she is in a dangerous place and I wanted her to leave immedately. I also know that you cannot make someone leave...... they have to want to go and she doesn't yet. It was hard for me to not say more (and I said a great deal and so did many others) because it is my instinct to help. I also know that this person cannot see how bad things are just yet....... after all I never see how bad things are when the sh*t hits the fan. Perhaps it is that blindness that keeps us all able to get up the next day. This abilty to rewrite history so things "aren't so bad" and "they" just don't get it. I will never forget Chasmyn
asking me why I didn't tell someone and let them help me when I got into an abusive relationship....... and it was hard to explain but it was caught up in a lot of my feeling as if this was my mistake and that I shouldn't invole others and that basically I had help MAKE the monster so I had to be the one to deal with it. Right? No wrong but that is the story I told myself to make it all bareable. There are so many games we play to stay in the same sh*t rather then do the work to get out of it. It is hard to extract yourself from someone that you have basically meshed with inorder to survive. All I can say is that I have never, ever, heard one person that did the work to get away regret it..... that includes me. It was quiet a fasco that last day I saw him..... in the courts ...... the murderous rage as he realized that I was gone forever, for good ...... that I was to strong for any guilt trip to ever work again. He knew any more contact with me would invole the police EVERY time from that day forward.....and I never saw him again. OOO I still hear things now and then from people..... and who knows he may hear about me as well tho' I doubt it. And when I met the man that did give me the life I wanted, full of laughter, joy, love and tenderness I was so happy that I was free and had been free for a long time so I could enjoy all the falling in love and stuff with no guilt, no shame, no darkness. I will never ever let someone talk me out of helping them as I talked so many of my loved ones from doing...... I will not forget what has happened before so that each time you tell a story you can pretend it is the first time. I won't forget, and I won't walk away, but I also will not come charging in........ I will be here for anyone, anytime, with phone numbers, encouragement, strenght and love.

No Job no work

2006-03-31T16:04:00.000-08:00

Well they decided that they couldn't have me around with those disablties and because I have been out far longer then my job protection decided to let me go. I am a little sad.... but not too much. I am actually doing pretty good..... I think I greived about it a while back and have been suprised that it didn't happen before. No I donno how we are gonna pay the rent or eat while we figure out what I am good at....... and that is where I stumble WHAT am I GOOD at....... not much really. I don't like people very much and am no longer fit for heavy work which is what I like doing..... I have no schooling really and I am not that great at computers, much less any kind of secertarial work. But one deep breath at a time here...... I am a very detrimed person, very deadline orinated, tend to be very professional. I get nervous around authority and it takes me a long time to be trusting of a boss. I don't know if I want to work again........ but wanting may not be very important.... I donno yet. I am STILL getting disablity pay so nothing is urgent just yet. Just so nerve racking. I know I owe some people some e-mails ........ I will write you soon I am just...... trying to figure out what is next and that is taking most of the space in my brain. I wish I had waited with getting sick just a little longer....... but I didn't have much say in that so no sense in beating myself up for that. I am getting better and that is really a big deal....... and I am ok with everything else....... it will somehow be ok.

Back to work??? by Mon....... could be

2006-03-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

So...... the news is good........ tho' I think a bit premature. There are a few restrictions that my doctor wants me to follow...... like lifting and bending........ and that might be a killer when it comes to my work. No I am not out of pain and no my zyphoid process is not in place........ but I am feeling better. I am nervous......... I know how physcal my job is so I donno if they can or will let me come back...... usually you have to be able to life 50ish lbs. and push even more have enough moter control to use a needle on a living being. So....... it seems that a limit of 10lbs......... and no bending might be a bit beyond my abilties....... but maybe not....... I am nervous.....waiting to hear what work says........ worried that my doctor doesn't really understand what she is saying when she says I should go back to work...... hopeing that she is right...... fearing that she is wrong. Just sick enough not to work........ would cause a lot of finacle stress........ as I certianly do NOT fit the SS term for disabled. But ......... I ..... darnit I have no control over this outcome...... if I go back to work and I cannot do my job but the doctors won't say I can't what happens??? I mean I am supposing that is the worst case senrio....... I suppose we will see and we will hope for only best case senrios .... like winning the lotto and not having to worry about work because I don't have ever go.

Sad new about one of my little kitties who LOOKS healthier then me but apparently is a heck of a lot sicker........ little baby(5yrs) sunni bean has an enlarged heart........ she already has athsma. We have plans to take her for an ultrasound to see if this can be handled by medication.... the vet seemed to think that was a possiblty. I thought she was just a silly lazy cat...... but I know now she is actually really tired. I am sadder then heck even tho' she will have the best noninvasive care I can give her she will probably be a shorter lived cat then she would be without these problems. Cats, like Sunni, should be allowed to live forever and ever.

A harsher critic I know not

2006-03-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Then the one I see in the mirror. I have only known a few people well enough to know that I am not alone in that. So..... sticking up for myself is REALLY hard even when I am feeling 100%. I cannot tell you how many jobs I have lost, how many botched medical encounters I have had, or how extremely painful teenage life was in the face of teacher and physiologist. I would do almost ANYTHING to not do it........ infact I believe that part of why I am in the bad health that I am in is because I would rather die then to force my point with a doctor...... BUT last week I did some of it. It was extordinary painful to sit in front of a doctor, a health psychologist, and a social worker and tell them that I wanted an explanation of treatment and a second opinion and more options. The health psychologist ....... a very young girl of whom I feel over protective of, immediately starts with a whole but this isn't our fault thing..... which I said I didn't care, told me that if my problem could have been handled by a doctor it would have been already (directly against what my usual doctor said), and offered that I should start in their program back in the beginning (which would require me to only see their doctors.... I don't think so). The doctor that was there, while someone I know, is only in charge of my medication, became defensive and tried to weasel out of how he pressured me into staying on meds that I felt were wrong for me, and although I am well aware of how harsh the take down of my meds is gonna be basically was in that whole .... if your not gonna do it my way I don't care. The social worker whom I don't really like that well.... was actually the most professional of the bunch.... prior to this her professionalism really put me off...... now it worked for me. She took down what I wanted told me what I needed to do to get the referral to a second opinion and set down what their agreed recommendations were. Now I am set to face off with the real doctor on Tues. she actually scares me even more, she has so far been very disarming and easy to trust..... but so far what she has offered me hasn't worked....... so I am disinclined to cont'd with her recommendations ........ at least without the back up of another doctor outside of the pain clinic.

In the mean time I am so hooked to the drugs I am on......... it is scary. It is definently reminiscent of smoking ...... I no longer feel an effect with the drugs.... I feel the effect of NOT having them. That is pyschal depenancey. I donno what to do about that except what I am doing which is to keep trying to lower the dosage. I may ....... see I just donno if I could just not worry that they are gonna stop supplying me with the drug I wouldn't worry so much about it all the time and maybe I could just relax that tad bit more........ but instead I worry constantly that soon they will just stop because they feel I am not giving enough. I feel like they have me by the balls so to speak........ I try and remember that although I would be VERY VERY sick it would pass...... and although I might be in pain after that somehow I would be ok. I am so not ok......... I want off............ I hate being forced to do anything and this addiction is forcing me to jump for people I don't trust....... Wish I had a name for what I have........ wish I a doctor in my family that could help me. Hummmm I guess if I had to I could do the methodone........... I didn't think of that........ but there must be a pick up place around here. Then at the very least I could just deal with the pain rather then withdrawal at the same time.......

But the deep depression has left..... I mean I am worried about these things but I am no longer a rabbit in the headlights. I swear...... every operation the depression is deeper and longer. This time is was definantly helped out by the medications. Still I am amazed at the depths of my despair and how it limits my entire view of the world.

I am amazed at how helpful my spouse has been......... I don't know if I could do the same for him...... I would want to........... but to be a straight A student, part time worker and FULL time caretaker.......... that is a lot. He is dyeing for spring break tho! and I donna blame him. Maybe if we can do it I can take him over to where there is still snow and let him play........ we would have to do it on a shoestring.... but we always do...... and do ok.

Back to being me

2006-03-21T19:43:00.000-08:00

I am me again........ that is right..... I am not sad...... only a little scared........ not feeling all messed up and not in nearly as much pain. Came off of the pregablin/Lycra and seriously within a few cuts down of the stuff my family was saying "hey there's Achromic again". I am.......... angry as hell because I said more then once that I didn't feel like the meds were working and that I felt all wrong and NO one would let me stop taking this stuff. But now I got to figure out what to do next. The thing is ........ I still got a zyphoid process out of places....... and from what I understand that is pulling on the diphrame and muscles....... this is the greatest part of my pain problem (not sure I agree with that as I still feel pain in my urineary tract and kidney BUT ok) BUT I still got this they have never done any adjustment to put it back into place...... and I want a second opinion. Not only in what is wrong but in what the best course of action is. AND I don't want to be detoxing off the pain killers until they take care of the largest cause of pain. Period. Now if I can only be so clear and so strong with the doctors........ I am afraid they are gonna force me to detox fast by not filling my 'script and I will be sick sick.......... but even that ...... would be a relief in a way........ sick sick and hurting lots but done......... just on my way doctors that can do what they said they would which is to put this bone back into where it belongs........ and then ............. then we will come after you Kasier........ true you stop us in abertration but you will atleast pay something..........

I hate them

2006-03-16T22:42:00.001-08:00

It was a bad day at the doctors ....... it was a big EVAL day with 3 WHOLE doctors....... and they donno how to help me....... I am not responding OR allergic to EVERY kind of meds avilable. I am very close to done. I am a paper ghost ........ I am walking like a shadow in silver rain........... the only place I am almost OK is here........ I am trying not to give up........ I wish I had something to believe in....... the funniest part is I actually feel more alive right now then I do when things are right.......... it is a dangerous feeling. I should stop feeling anything then I won't feel pain...... but then John...... I would loose John..... but...... No J. is STILL more important...... but maybe it is like one of those pardoxes inorder to love and keep you have to stop caring....... I donno how that works.......... but maybe I need to figure it out.

I hate them all

2006-03-16T22:28:00.001-08:00

Doctor stuff

2006-03-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

well. I went to one eval the pyshic one and......... totally failed. Not only could he care less that I am haveing sucidal epsoides but he won't think about treating me in any fashion until I am either on aquiate pain meds .......er I think........... and the Pain Doctor...... won't trust me when I say a medication isn't working and I am having anxsoity and suicidal epsoides. I have already started crying to day and it is only 5:39am. I have a few more evals to do this week. I have a visable problem........ that they have put off talking care of for a long time............ the pain doctor, I don't that she believes that it hurts........ I was told it was a maybe mild discomfort...... but it if this is discomfort then I donno............ well...... so......... I gotta go back and I gotta say all this stuff and I am pretty sure that given my exp so far........ that talking to the pain doctor will be like talking to no one at all.

ok ok ok srry I thought when no one said anything that

2006-03-14T04:34:00.001-08:00

no one cared anymore. But ummmmmmm well now I am feeling loved and a bit stupid. I will stay Achromic will stay will write everyone and say that to you each and every one. I never met to have a big blog and I am fine with it being small............. but it hurts a lot to pour out your whole misspelled heart and hear silence................... ummmmmm except there wasn't really because Val ALWAYS wrote but I was depressed and I forgot and Gawdessness WOULD always write only her computer is down and I forgot because I was depressed. The depression and panic are kicking my ass folks............ no really. I spent yesterday in tears......... no not just like a few minutes here and there ......... I spent almost the ENTIRE day crying hysterically over............. ummmmmmmm a misunderstanding and thinking you guys where gone and thinking that ......... see the paranoia is also kicking in someone here that KNOWS ME might have decided they hated me enough to give out my info to someone who scares the crap out of me. The misunderstanding was foolish and so was the paranoia and *blushes furiously* I can see that you are all here......... Forgive me all of you. They are trying to stop the pain with inaquit medication because I am so allergic to everything else. The pain is real...... you can't come over and poke on me.......... I keep trying to make it NOT real and that is part of my problem it is a huge part of my problem ...... is that I keep trying very hard to change that I am in pain.

Really??? if only I could afford myself

2006-03-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Er............... so that western medicine stuff really isn't all that?

2006-03-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

You have to understand I am a facts kind of girl. I am that way because when I was little there was a lot of manipulating reality going on (some by me, some by others), in our family real was only real if you talked about it, if you didn't well then....... it was up in the air. If I hadn't been dyslexic I probably would have gone into math............ not many people know that but me and this old math teacher in 9th grade had something going....... MATH duh where are your heads at? Anyways it went from my least favorite subject to my most. He showed me another way of looking at the world and it was the first time that the world couldn't be moved buy someone's feelings only the facts. Unfortunately by the time I met that math teacher I was already half way to hell and he couldn't stop that downward trend anymore then anyone else did. BUT it still changed my life. I couldn't keep no. in my head, or remember how to do formulas....... na srry dyslexic kicks my ass around on that stuff......... but I started to respect science and theories, figuring out hypotheses. I became a lover of science....... what I think of as the REAL world. So when I got fat even tho I swore my calorie intake wasn't that high I went to science to fix it ......... and when after numerous surgeries I found myself where I am now...... IN pain 24/7. BUT something is starting to work......... Kaiser decided to send me to this pain clinic where I thought I would be getting a lot more science.............. but no.......... I am learning how to do accupressure and I am getting acupuncture......... I am learning about mindful breathing and several different meditation tech. ............. and it is working. OOO no I am not out of pain....... nor do I at this point see me going back to my very physical job, but it is working the pain is less and I am able to handle my life a little bit better because of learning some of this stuff. It feels werid to have doctors give up after only a year...... and not even like they looked very much or very hard I mean I had 5 surgeries on real actual stuff not on anything that accupressure is gonna take care of. BUT to be able to have the tools to fight even one pain flare is amazing. To be able to do something all by myself to affect the pain is amazing.... and it isn't like this is science....... no they got no explantations for why some things work for some people. And like I said it isn't like it just goes away I gotta really work at getting my pain to go away and sometimes it doesn't go....... but I have had it work 3 or 4 times now so I am begining to believe.

OK listen up this little girl is SICK and it isn't me

2006-02-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

and she needs MONEY and I donna go around asking for money for ....... well ANYTHING but this little girl's insurance reached it's cap and she NEEDS the cash to get the next round of stuff. This could happen to ANY of us who live in the USA. BECAUSE our health care SUCKS ASS. It could be me soon (tho' not for the same things thank goodness just the no money for treatment thing). SO go here: Annika
and give alittle bit to a little girl that doesn't know anything about politics or why things are the way they are.

I had a dream too

2006-02-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

Well it seems to be the blog theme I suppose due to the MLK and black history month. BUT I DID HAVE A DREAM maybe NOT on the scope of such a great leader of people who was kind to people who deserved no kindness, no forgiveness........ no I am afraid that I get young Malcom X's anger far far easier then I do MLK's vision........ so forgive me if my dream is not on his level (or don't forgive me I probably don't care).

I had a dream that one day I would NOT be judged on what I look like but on how I took care of myself. That being fat would not give people the right to be mean and look down on me. I ALWAYS acted as if you and everyone else accepted me as a good wonderful person because I thought I was even tho' I was fat too. I had a dream that I could have an operation that would improve my health........ it occured to me that more people would accept me and find me attractive and I thought it would be nice......... but it NEVER occured to me that people who knew me as a fat person and DIDN'T like me would suddenly think they could and should hit on me and look at me as tho' I would now suddenly SLEEP with them. That my bosses would SUDDENLY think that I could do a better job when because of the pain and limitations that I have I actually do a WORSE job if I do ANY job at all. I thought being fat just met that I had a harder time walking up stairs and that I was at a far greater risk of dibeties, heart attacks, sleep apena and all. I ALWAYS had a date and even found the best husband ever........ it never occured to me that my wieght prevented me from having a good time and having good friends........ but apperntly it did to many. BECAUSE NOW that I am thin...... and yes I am very thin suddenly I am asked things like "oh I know you are in so much pain and you almost died more then once and you have ALL sorts of health problems but it is worth it, right?" with the under tones of now you are one of us. AND IT IS LIKE if there was some major fucking operation that made a black person white (no Michel Jacksons weird morphing thing doesn't count)................. would you ask them if it was better because NOW they can go into stores and be treated like a person??? WOULDN'T you just want the STORES that treated them bad to change??? but no....... being FAT is all on you so it is OK to treat FAT people a certian way and ASSUME that they can't get a date or that they are no fun to be with and that it is WORTH IT to risk your life and all that you know so you can be treated right. No one tells a black person to be less black........ you don't put them on diets to make them less black......... that would be stupid......... well it is STUPID to assume that fat person hasn't tried a million things just to improve their quailty of life and they don't NEED you to tell them how to eat or whisper behind their back or ASSUME that they can't or don't have SEX and LOVE and JOY. AND MAYBE there are things FAR more important then a LONG life....... I know that isn't the AMERICAN dream........ because we all are suppose to want to be fit and live FOREVER and that is the "RIGHT" life. BUT I DO have a dream that one day people will be more concerned about WHO I am and how HAPPY my life is rather then what I wiegh and if I am gonna live forever. I dream that we treat ALL people no matter what they look like or what their disablities are as people who don't want to be made fun of or denied good service. I want us to stop trying to make people fit into little boxes of perfection.

Mom called and said to write something

2006-02-17T09:41:00.000-08:00

Ok I am in these classes so far it is about 8 of us. I hate two of them with every ounce of my being because they do their best to prevent the instructer from imparting information I WANT!!

The allergic reaction that made me irritable and itch and stuff seems to be ending. I am very eaaaaaasy....... as I am high as a kite. BUT not in pain and not a bitch. J. says I am less anxious and fearful. Ok I have to go love you all.

I have been sick again....

2006-02-07T20:45:00.000-08:00

I became allergic to some of the meds that they gave me.... and it was it caused some psychological stuff to happen...... it is so funny because I remember when I started on this stuff that I was worried about that..... but then when it started causeing all the things I was afraid of it causeing I didn't remember. So I am getting off of that...... and I don't have too much to say because I am.... still inbetween and can't really figure out what I feel and what is being over sentivtive because of the drug reaction. I am so forgetful....... I couldn't remember how old I was or what year it was earlier in the day. I knew that I SHOULD know....... but I just couldn't place it. Like with my disleixica I could think of sevreal right answers and reasons that they could all be right and yet I knew that only one was. I am still trying to remember the name of the cat that is in the box and you donno if the cat is alive or not until you open the box and this begins a whole set of pholiphical thinking that some sci-fi writers use to explain alt. realities and/or time/space travel. I feel very fuzzy and tired still... and nasuated. BUT very relived that there is a medical reason for my "fradgeliness". No wonder I couldn't be friendly with anyone. Well...... well so I am not gonna say anymore just yet. I will write more sonn.

Sobbing crying mess

2006-01-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

Yes that is what I am. I USE to be someone that people said I reminded them of some Viking Warrior........... well I bet I don't any more as I hystarically cry at every single thing. Even the cats are tired of it........ Well pain stole from me two hours of good fun with my husbad as I had to send him on chorse all by himself. He was not happy tho he did understand as well as he could. Today I played the I am not in pain game until it was shooting bolts of lighting up and down my ribs and scar area...... It was unbearable and in the end I was yelling at him "GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE" like a crazy bear. Of course the minut I get everyone to leave I want everyone right back and have no idea WHY they would be upset with me........ ah well....... Not every day is a good pain mangement day. I .......... everytime I go a few days of good pain mangement I wonder if the pain is real as it IS in the background..... everytime it is a bad day I wonder how deeply messed up I am inside.

So I am asked

2006-01-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

Grannygrump ask

"Is there no experimental group to help with the pain?"

I know I could stick with the short answer but it's my blog I can do what I want, and GG is always so good nature I am sure she will not mind.

Yes GG and No. See short! LOL ok ok for the real answer.

I am going to join a group GG in Feb. that is going to help with the "pain" er sort of. It is a movement and physiological group. I am not sure that it's goals a line with mine. It seems to be geared towards detox and return you to work....... Which I want very badly......... but I am not sure of that is actually what I can do. Never the less I plan on participation as much as possible.

As for there being an experimental pain clinic that trys all the lastest and greatest new stuff out. Ummmm not for my kind of pain. See I have a physcal reason root for my pain so they keep tell me, so it isn't like many other chronic pain conditions. I wish I could remember all the gobbly gook words they tell me. But the bottom line is that I am a minority with in a minority, I am not rare but not often. And they do have a solution....... don't have any more surgeries on your stomach muscles....... and they do have better meds for some people but they contain sulfa so I can't take them. They had a great one called Voixx but once again the USA gov. decided that I couldn't choose between my pain and the chance of a heartattack/stroke........ Of course BC has at least the SAME amount of danger but not getting preg. is more important. And there IS a great pain reliever for this kind of pain that is not an opiate....... it is called POT....... but once again the USA gov. think I am better addicted to opiates and they have done such a good job at sliming POT that my spouse and my mother think I am better off on opiates too. OOO right I am not "addicted" what is the code phrase this year "physcailly necessary" maybe I donno I tried to look it up but no luck. Doesn't matter it taste like addiction for darn sure. ...... well so er {blush} umm I have no idea where I was taking this tirade I forget..... so sorry cat wanted on my lap and I got some coffee and now it is all a blank.

Any way I open the floor please ask questions I will do my best tho I may have to ask my doctors (which is GREAT) . My current regime is a psychologist/pyschratist , physcal therapist, and a MD/DO, but I don't always see each one every week it is actually pretty hap hazard. I hate the physiologist but she is like 12 and oooo so hopeful that everything will turn out just fine {rolls eyes} but youth is like that and she can do no harm unlike the others, the physcal therapist is a worrier and I think she would have me off everything and running a mile a day if she could (I like her), and my MD/DO is ..... well she seems very knowledgeable if not sometimes confusing I am very very afraid of doctors right now so not all of my feelings towards her are justified. It is a bad pain day......... but they all are these days......... I swear if I could just go digging inside myself I could take out what hurts (yes that is crazy talk I know and I am not gonna do that) so please asks something if just to distract me for a moment...... don't be shy, religion, politc's, health, personal crap, ANYTHING ....... it would be a mitisva

My Day

2006-01-21T10:38:00.000-08:00

1.) Get up somewhere between 5-9am sometimes even as early as 4:30 or as late as 10 but rarely. Feel the pain...... decide to take my meds before I ripe my skin to shreads trying to take out that which is hurting me.
2) Make the coffee and read blogs. Think about if I should kill myself before J. wakes up and decide not to. (and you thought that what you write in your blogs met nothing HA)
3) Go game for a bit
4) Figure out if I need to go see someone or do something. Usually I do not. Make lunch not becuase am hungry but because I am feeling nausa and I know that is because I am hungry.
5) Make what phone calls I have to make to doctors, work, family etc. Try very hard not to cry hystariclly into the phone as the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness overwhelm me.
6) Start playing the game of how long can I hold out before I need to take more opaites. Usually a fast loss game but it seems to be irrisestable.
7) Go back to gaming and try and make a plan to go to the gym.
8) Unless my husband con't to prod me to go to the gym decide not to go.
10)I might take a breif nape of which horrible dreaming occurs several of which I cannot tell the diffrence between the dream and reality which scares me.
11) Do more gaming
12) check the blogs and my emails one more time responding to stuff.
13) fall asleep soundly wondering if I will wake up to do it all again of which the answer so far has been yes.

I HATE them ALL

2006-01-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well I do. Dr. C. says that I had a great reaction and that she is very pleased by the result now she can do XYZ and hopefully fix it up. BUT she doesn't understand why I am upset and why I am talking about taking more meds and WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I really really hate doctors. No wonder when it comes to other political crap I would rather just quit and be left alone. I just feel so overwhelmed by this medical crap...... I just feel sometimes like I can't do anything. She is driving me nuts and I hurt all the time.

Well that didn't last long

2006-01-15T15:47:00.000-08:00

It didn't even last out the day. No I donna want to talk about it. Leave me alone.

Better....... wow a LOT better........

2006-01-13T09:04:00.000-08:00

Ok ok it is morning and J. isn't awake yet so I havn't told anyone except for I
I would tell call everyone and sing a larg song of wonder and joy but I am afraid of jinxing it. SO what happen we get to the doctors with our LONG LONG list of questions ... after all once we got you we are gonna pour out every ounce of worry and doubt upon you. She put me on a vegatable based laxtive (I just KNEW you wanted to know) and talked about some other laxetive but I think I am gonna tell her that if the veggie one doesn't work I donna really want the side effects from the other ones. And we said what happens when this goes out again? and she said I don't know..... honset of her ... not very comforting but ok. Then it was time and J. BOOKED out of the room like lighting. I took off my shirt laied on a table and the needle that was as BIG as G*d's hand came down and it HURT ALOT and then it was numb. And me and her went and talked some more because she DIDN'T look at my records and THOUGHT she could just perscribe me any old antinflamatory........ and I started to say no I couldn't take that and no I couldn't take this

Things I cannot take:
Ibprofren in any shape or form
Asprin
Naprixion in any shape or form
Sulfa or sulfates

Most of those are from the Gastric Bypass....... and when your ARE thinking about the surgery here is what that means .... ANY and ALL drugs that might help things like Arthritis or BONE pain at all you cannot take. Tho' some of you will be able to talk the sulfa's that I cannot of course those have a higher risk of heartattck and stroke. OH and one more thing... NO oral steroids NONE. Because after a Gastric Bypass you are at higer risk for stomach ulcars.... so you cannot take these things....... yes in an emergency if you were given them you wouldn't die but nothing on a reglur bases. Excpet for the sufla/sufates which I am just extremly allergic to which in all honsety should have been a red flag for the gastric bypass people and they should have told me NO....... but they want the money so they don't follow their job. No I have opiates...... which don't TOUCH bone pain which is why even tho' I have been stoned off my ass I have still been in pain. So she starts to freak out.......... she has nothing to prescribe me, there is nothing she can do except do more and more blocks and up when we are gonna do the zyphoid manpulations. Because see.......... the block is a steroid and I can HAVE them injected (it bypasses the stomach wall) but there are HUGE problems with long term steriod use...... as I am sure you know. So I am faceing a monster......... and I maybe faceing MORE opaite use not less tho' she saw how stoned I was and was very against giving me more. Last night I felt bad....... I maybe having an allgeric reaction because it felt like my musle was swelling and I couldn't breath right...... I was alittle worried but it was not feeling as bad as it sounds when I write it.

BUT BUT BUT I WOKE UP TODAY IN NO PAIN>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO PAIN>>>>>>>> NONE>>>>>> NONE AT ALL>>>>>> I PUT OFF TAKING MY MEDS JUST TO MAKE SURE AND THERE WAS NO PAIN (tho I took them before I started detoxing because I am NOT stupid).

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

2006-01-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

They are doing the block today! Not in a few weeks but like in a few hours! I know I know the pain is bad and drugs are not working for it...... I know I need this....... BUT TODAY!!!!!?????? They just called..... I said yes.... I mean what else is there to say? Obviously she got a chunk of time and heard what I had to say to doctor Lee (man incharge of percription meds). O G*d........... only my hubby here too.... usually when I know that they are gonna hurt me I get my aunt to come because my spouse gets near throwing up when he sees me hurt (seriously he hurls) but she is in Hawaii so I donna think she is gonna make it back in time. @#$#@@$##@@$#@! I know I hurt....... I know this is gonna be better once it is done....... I know that ........... man can't one of you come to the doctors with me? PLZ??? just hop on a little plane and we are right by the airport. I am not panicing ........ I am NOT panicing.......... I am fine .... just fine......... %$#@@#$%!

Am I only Dreaming? ooo Ziggy is here where is the band?

2006-01-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another doctors visit........ this was to prep me for the upcoming Intensive treatement and movement classes. It was a lot harder then it sounds....... because in many ways I have retreated to my teenage self in my actions and manpulations. I don't mean too...... I really don't....... that is an ugly part of me that I wish would just take a hike. So first thimg was I threw a bloody tantrum because they need someone to come in and take a class from 3-5 on friday night........ J. works on Friday and we need the money if no one can come in for me then I can't come to the class. I don't have a single person I feel close enough to ask to do that for me........ first of all it is all the way in SF which this class is in the middle of rush hr. with the amount of bridges that are in the bay area rush hr has a new meaning.......... it is not unusal for rush hr. to make somone who might live 10mls away be about 1-2 hr drive. Much less my family WHO ALL HAVE JOBS take the trip from 50mls away. It seemed insermountable...... I start to cry-sniffle and say what was the pt in me coming here? how dare they get my hopes up? At the time I swear the world was coming to an end and it was ALL THEIR FAULT! .......... I am so so so embarssed. I donno how we are gonna fix this problem yet but they started outlining other ways they have done it before....... one of them swore that we are gonna find away for me to go to this thing. Ok I guess seeing a grown woman (of which I am I assure you) discomboulate might just might make you suggest that a full pych work up is in order......... heheheheh actually it was the other way around she suggested the work up long before I started to freak.... however after I freaked she was booking upstairs to talk to mister MD. I told her tho' I am not really for any meds...... I mean I might try it but not really for it....... I like my depression just fine I know how it works I get thru it and I don't get any funny side effects. Two more things that I am not sure about with this program is that they want me to stop coffee....... now I donna drink coffee because of the caffeine I drink it so I can poo..... I have tried all the drugs that they sell for it and while I pulled large chunks of poo out my ass with all the blood from the HUGE HORSE LIKE POO trying to come out I just don't care I will drink my coffee and go poo every day. But no..... they want to try their drugs......... caffiene is working for me but they got something better................ why????? Apparently we are gonna have a go at this one I need them to prove to me that coffee has anything at all to do with pain and nerve endings. I am not just giving it up and taking their drugs for the say so of it....... sticking my own hand up my ass was bad enough having their hands up my ass (you know I am feeling very south parkish). The last thing that I am hesitant on is the switching my Oxycodine from a pill to a liquid....... they are doing this to tritate it down........ I understand that not against that part of it...... I am against the little voice in my head that is saying "WHEEEEEEE liquid drugs are gonnna feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good". See I know how much I am gonna like that bit of pow. That scares me. It feels all the more closer to the street drugs. I know that it is under a doctors care, I do understand that, but I also know how much I love the high. Even after the retching I want it. Even now with just the pills I have to remind myself........... I mean I am in a heck of a lot of pain, but I am no immune to the call of it. I feel like a teen again....... out of control of my own life, nothing turn out the way anyone said it would, lots of work that I don't like to do but I have to do it, and the whole time feeling like if I don't take the right steps I am gonna fall into some deep abyss that no one will be able to save me from. I want to be a cat next time around, a big fat hair house cat.

Hurt and Hope

2006-01-03T16:10:00.000-08:00

Today I went in for my eval. of my pain and my progress and all that. I am tired.... and I hurt ALOT from the poking and proding. BUT they are still thinking that MAYBE I will get back to work. They seemed very positive. They are in rolling me in an intensive group that will focus on movement and pain mangement. They also want to see if I am ready to start driving again.... beware all drivers in the bay area. :)

On an unpleseant note..... I had been feeling a new pain and it was pretty bad, it seems as tho my zyphoid process is dislocated by the pulling down on my diphram from the scar tissue in my abdomen. That will require a block. Which apparently is a needle full of litocane in the right place and deep breathing to try and snape it back into place. Er..... ok....... well that sound entirely nasty. Definantly gonna look that up and see if there are some other ways of healing that.

They think I might be ready to go back to work in March. I am less optomistic........ but I will see.

Welcome to the New Year!

2005-12-31T21:46:00.000-08:00

I have just arrived home from a trip back to St. Louis. Well actually......... no ........ actually we got into the airport and head South..... er I think......... To the town where my family came to when they got to the USA. Where my Grandmother when she was in her right mind swore to me that she wanted to go to be this nursing home. Thousands of miles away from her kids, and her grandchild. But she begged me not to fight then...... so I cannot and have not fought since to move her closer to us. She no longer knows who I am or who anyone is........ her brain is shrinking.... I do not know why. But the rate at which it is shrinking and her overall decline leave the doctors to think she will not last much longer. Lets hope that is the only passing that I must see in 2006.

One of the most suprising things that I found in STL, was the stark racism and fear ........ not from the white people who many are racist and many are not but from the young black communty. Still afraid that friendliness of a stranger may bring bad tidings to their door steps, better to look away and pretend you did not hear what was being said. I just wanted to make it stop.......... this strange us-them thing that posiens the air that we BOTH breath. I never have understood the rules and now I am to old to give a darn about them.... I love who I love I find friendship where I can, it saddens me when I see others allowing themselves to be boxed in.

3 days and I will go in for my evaluation. I will find out more about why I hurt like I do. AND because I foolishly did not double check if my meds were packed I missed the Gabpinten and no one would help me fill it on Xmas day............... so by the next day I was screaming in agony........ so ummm yes I would guess that it IS helping me some if not getting rid of the pain completly. Hopefully that alone will give the doctors some clues about what is going on with me. So for hope that is what I have ............ less pain...... less sickness......... less hospital stays.

Hey hey my my

2005-12-17T12:39:00.000-08:00

So this last tirtatraion up has been horrible. I feel sick and I can't sleep.......... and I am sick and tired of being sick....... only this time there is no choice..... no saying "whoops this isn't the right path". I am so stuck....... and the depression has indeed sunken into every bone in my body. I daily fight the overwhelming feeling that I am living a pointless life and that I am a stone around the neck of everyone that I meet and expcially to those I love. I am in constant need of reassurance that I am wanted/needed and I hate being so f**king needy. I am pushing away those closest to me and I can barely answer my phone. And the pain isn't going away............ It isn't getting better and it is horrible. I am weary....... and I want out...... but there is no out button.

The Smackdowm

2005-12-10T01:45:00.000-08:00

Er MINE smackdown ... down. SO part of the problem of being on the computer and living life on the computer is that people really don't know you. SO when you say something and they assume that you are a 13yr old kid you really can't blame them, after all..... you are on the net which DOES infact have a lot of 13 yr olds on it. What I am upset about...... is that I have been playing on on-line game at Blizzard.

W.O.W as it is known by those of us who play is a fantsy roleplaying game. It is actually a pretty cool graphics game and it helped me waste alot of time while I was in a lot of pain. I had built a whole cast of charater based on the the name trouble..... like troubleme, troubletime, intoit, troubledog (had not been used yet but was created). Today I was told that they were taking away one name and charater for sure (troubletime) and that I should apply for all the rest to be changed or else...... because "has been deemed as inappropriate for the World of Warcraft Role Play Realms by the In-Game Support staff of Blizzard Entertainment." They didn't say in the email that I had to change my other names however the lady I talked to while on line said she recommended it or "Should you have any other character names on your account that violate our Naming Policy and they are reported, the names will be changed and your account may incur further penalties. We will allow you a 7-day grace period to notify us of any potential naming violations on your account." As I don't understand the problem with any of my names..... I don't see how I can judge when I would be in complince. They are not sexual in nature (many names are) , they are not religiouly offensive (tho' many are that too). As far as I know English has not changed so much that the words trouble would not exsit...... and I am pretty sure that trolls and elves would have been thought of as trouble by those in that period of imaginary time. They lady on line was very abrupt..... and pretty unkind and not very helpful. I am sure she didn't want to be. Roxandrea (that is a good name??) didn't seem to care..... and well she probably isn't getting paied enough to.

I am very very sad. This game helped me thru the boring days when I could not walk, and has helped me live thru' the pain that hurts so very badly. I suppose I could do a bunch of fussing and fighting with them but it is a private co. they can have whatever rules they want to..... they just can't have my money too. I will mostly miss the friends that I had finally made there...... I hadn't had such a fun crowd without the worry of work and politics for a very long time. They were a blast! And I have cried half the night in sorrow for my loss.

'Tis the season

2005-12-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

I so thought that I would be better by now..... I, thought at the very least I would have answers. But I don't and I won't until the new year has dawned. In the mean time I learn about the world of diabled. Yes, my prolife friends, it has occured to me that G*d might be showing me this world because of my views on giving birth to disabled children (mostly that I think that it is a good reason to have an abortion for those of you that don't know). OF course I have thought of that..... and about a million other reasons that I might deserve this in a karma/life lesson type way. But my disablity is not my hardest trial this season, no, my family......... my grandmother is very very sick her brain is shrinking and it is quiet possible that she will not live out the year...... I have for several years avoided seeing her as she doesn't even know who I am anymore and has not for a long time. I also avoided it because she lives in a nursing home very very far away (many states), and I couldn't go without wanting to bring her home with me, and I do not have that kind of control to be able to do that. I couldn't take care of her anyways.......... not then and not now. But anyways, we are all making our way to see her this year as time/jobs allow. My time is Xmas week. I am scared, I always am, of seeing her there and ooo countless other things about going to that state..... which is home but isn't anymore. I always feel the pull to stay, the desire to somehow help all the people I left behind. To show them that I turned out ok that I really am a good person............. that I wasn't all the things I seemed to be right before I left. BUT it is a mind sink....... because I don't really want to live in that state....... because the people there are far more prejudice then what I have gotten use to living on the coast and I can't help all the people I left behind because I would just get pulled back into the chaos that is their lives. I can only sit out here and whisper out to them that they can leave if they want to. I will also have to listen to christians..... OMG......... these are the fundmentalist of the nutty kind. I will try not to get them too riled up.... but it is hard hard hard. (yes my christian friends I will try very very hard to remember that you too are christian and believe very strongly and I can get along with you so I should be able to in real life... somehow) The worst part will be very little computer if any time. I am considering that I may not be able to do that tho' and am thinking about that laptop that J. needs anyways....... only how do I justify buying that with so many other people who want/need money. I donno..... but don't be suprised if I start babbliing about what a nice new toy he ... er I... um WE have.

The Cane

2005-11-30T19:43:00.000-08:00

I am sure I am not the first 35 yr. old to buy a cane for walking. I probably should get a walker.... I am so unsteady, but I couldn't quiet.... do it........ the cane was hard enough. As it was I couldn't even find myself one of those cool dragon/loin head canes. Na, what I found was a "hospital quality alumin cane" durable too... yippie! Well at least it was a dark blackish color instead of the feared silver. I decided I needed one for a few reason.... first because I am unsteady, and it is pretty bad.... I have come very very close to hurting myself badly with a fall, second to slow me down.... I go fast as I am a city walker.... and it hurts really bad, if I can just slow down I am much better, third is so that others are clued into the disabled thing.... it isn't obvious, I look young and even have an air of energtic happiness...... but it lies.... and I can't carry that bag or pick up what I have dropped or walk quickly to follow you. I will say this....... if it isn't perment I will NEVER EVER take any of this moving thing for grant..... it furthers my desire to work for the stem cell research center that open up in this area in a few years. I am stunned with awe when I think about those that have even less movement then I avilable to them. And it has also furthered my thinking about our drug laws........ I still don't understand how herion is given to me so freely, and yet THC far less addictive is not even considered. I cannot believe for a moment that this is right or good. I don't know that THC would help my pain...... but I do know how addicted I am to my meds and how much it will hurt to dose down. I know how much I fear having my pills with me on the airplane when I visit my family for Xmas (hehehehe should I say the holidays instead.... would any of you caught that??) , I mean what if some dog goes nuts on me? Yet I have the 'script so I am sure I would eventually be ok. But if they put me in jail while they figure it out... do you know how sick I will be?

ok I know I rambled a bit there.... but the bottom line... both my hubby and I were sad to be buying the cane..... It was saying something. I am not sure what, but it was a sad something.

Much love is given

2005-11-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

I will say, that despite my foul mood, and mood swings, I keep getting a lot of love. For instance there is a grp of people that I play an on-line game with.... and they know I am sick because we talk and .... just cuz I needed to share and they were there to listen. Last night we were playing.... and this has happened before..... they decide at 1:30am that I need to go to bed and they refuse to keep playing so that I will log off and go to sleep. They are very nice people.......... they check in all during the day to make sure that I am ok, and if I seem tired they are the first to say so and convince me that I need a nap or something. They are good people. I only hope that I do not weigh to heavy on their genrousity. My spouse has also been full of little love things. Making sure that I can get what I need, sometimes helping me get what I want......... alway there to listen to me cry. I can be crazy and depressed around him and he is never scared away by it, never sits down later with me and says I got to stop or change or anything. Never says my fears are silly. Tho' he misses the computer which he got much more time with before I was home all day. And my mom and my anut......... always doing what ever is needed, making suggestions, taking their time of which there is precious little of and coming down, also making pratical suggestions for getting around and doing things. My aunt who is so genrouse with her money........ how ..... I wish I could pay her back every dime, I wish very much that she gets back all that she gives. I have a good family........... we all grew up to be a good family. Then there are the bloggers, who light up my life with their struggles and good writing..... how many countless hrs has my pain been held abay while I listen to you....... and how jelouse I somtimes am to wish I could write my belifs and my struggles with such skill. When I have been to sick to do anything I could come to you and read and share with you folks...... hehe, tho' sometimes I should have held back on my opinions until they were more temperd.

I have been so blessed............ hummm I thought I was alone this morning.... I guess not. :)

How do you keep posting about saddness?

2005-11-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

I wish so hard that I could write about hope and strength. I do. I wish I had that to give but I don't. We went to an orintation for the next step of physical therepy and chronic pain clinc. It was....

Well first off I couldn't even sit in the chairs for the 1 1/2hrs.... I had to keep standing up and even then was in so much pain that it was unbearable. I was pratically in tears by the time we left. Next.... next they were straight forward.... if you are here it is because you have reach the end of what medicene can do to "cure" you now we have to focas on how to make your life better with what is wrong with you. It was heartbreaking even tho' I knew it..... To hear that hope was gone. That I am left broken, that I will never be ok.... just have better days and worse days. Thank goodness Juile aka SRD started saying things to prepare me for this a long time ago. I at least could bear it.... even tho' as one girl in the group was railing against what was being said my heart fell to hear them say to her and to all of us that it was basically over........ what ever procedures could be done were done....... now we had to focus on lifestyle, and the question of if I could ever return to work.

I am ok. Sad, but ok. My pain has good days and bad days, good hrs. and bad ones. I am gonna learn, just like if I was blind or deaf, I will learn how to move diffrent how to change my life. This isn't the road I ever thought I would be on.... but here I am.... I am trying to look at it as an adventure..... but I am not quite there yet.

As for thankfulness......... I have never been so grateful as I am for my Mom, and my husband, and even my aunt. I never thought I would have such a wonderful family but I do and it makes me happy even in the mist of all this.

Come sail away with me

2005-11-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

Well this new medication called Gabapentin is certianly diffrent. I now feel like the world is rocking and I am as unsteady on my feet as a 10m old baby. They say that effect will go away, thank goodness. In the mean time I got to figure out if the meds are helping or not with the pain. That is harder then you think. So I got a journal going if I can just remember to use it. Where I write in how much med I took and what my pain lvl was at that time etc. I am not out of pain..... but there are hours when I feel like I should just jump up and start scrubbing the bathroom or go back to work ........ hehehehe only to stand up and fall...lol.....

I have been having horrible deppression. Last night my mom called and I told her what all was going on.... I think I scared her...... and she got off the phone and I just started crying histarically poor J. he didn't know what to do with me. I ...... Why does everyone say they want to help and then when I fall apart everyone runs away? Am I really still that scary? J. doesn't run away... he is there doing his best but I feel like I lean on him too much, that I must be a crushing wieght upon him when he has so much to do in the day. Everything is sooo not ok. I donno what to do about it. I can't make myself better... I can't even tho' I keep trying. I try so hard. But the body won't listen anymore. I am broken, like humpty dumpty. Nothing is the same anymore and I can't bring it back.

A list of gratitude

2005-11-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ok we are focusing on the positive today. For a couple of reason... J. is busy and cannot be my comfort blanket all day today, second because I am determined not to fall down the depression void where no light can enter... just not gonna happen. I may not be able to control everything that is going on physically but I can and will do something about how I am handling what is going on. This list is not in order of importance (hehehehe):

1) The rent is paid we can live in our space for another month and I think we can pay next month too!
2) There are two lovely (if loud and talkative) cats that inhabit our house with us making this into a home
3) I have a great husband that loves me sooooooooooooooo much and is everything and more then I could have asked for.
4)My mom and my aunt have been totally supportive and have been there for me the whole way.
5)I have made friends on the net that are good people and keeps me from being totally closed off from society and makes me feel like I am less stuck in the house.
6) I am getting better....... it isn't at the speed I had in mind but I am actually improving each time I see a doctor.
7)I have health insurance....... at this point the bills would be far beyond me or anyone I know.
8)I have food in the fridge and the electric is on. (but my furnace is not working and I need to call)
9)I have all my fingers and toes and I can use all my body parts tho' sometimes it really hurts to.
10) Clean water I have clean water, which in some part of the world is a really really big deal.

whew that was tough..... I know there is more and more but it can be hard to make these list when you are feeling overwhelmed which is the whole point. I feel better now. I did something it was good. Ok now I can take on the day.

Trying not to fall

2005-11-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

I just got back from the Dr. and I am out until Feb. I ........ I guess I'm not suppose to be working. I am trying very very hard not to be sad...... not to be scared. They say that my nerves have just been cut too many times and the pain is because they have learned the signal... along with a bunch of gobble gunk that I didn't quite understand. They are trying new meds...... and I get a new eval. and into an all day program which I don't have any way to get to just yet (gonna figure that out with buses and stuff but I haven't done it just yet). I am feeling very raw and sad. Flustered about money and having to talk to my boss...... which who knows how long that is gonna last...... and just feeling in genreal like I'm living the wrong life. Still I know this is only a temporay feeling.... I am to happy of a person to stay here very long. Expecially when my wonderful spouse has brought a 160LSAT score home and is still a straight A student!!!!!!!!! And does wonderful things like make me breakfast and still does the dishes....... and the cat boxes..... he is good stuff so I can't stay sad for very long. I just am right now.

What I've been saying lately

2005-10-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

I was commenting on someone else blog the other day and I wrote this about myself and I thought I would like to share it here with you guys:

"I am a fat woman, I have had gastric bypass and now weight in at 135-140lbs.... but in my head I'm still a fat woman that weight 324lbs. I still feel more comfortable with the fat people then I do with the "normal" eaters, I still can't bear to hear people talk about their extra 20lbs as if they are obese. I still look at the TV stars and wonder why people find those anorexic looking people to be so beuatiful. 2yrs I have lived in a body that I don't know, that doesn't look real to me, but is the body that everyone else sees. Inside I'm still the fat girl and therefore outside of a certain acceptance that normal people have."

and this:

"do know how people act about my weight loss, even when they know I have health problem after health problem and hospitalaion after hospitalaion. They all want me to be "happy" and grateful and just be positive... and it s**ks because I'm dealing with all this crap and there doesn't seem to be much happy about it. It is different then you, but it sounds like it makes me feel the same towards those people... like smackin' across the back of their head and tellin' them to wake up and see the reality."

There are so many things that I can say about the gastric bypass and almost all of them are bad and I am really very tired of pretending it is any different. When I was fat ... I would look in the mirror and see a nice looking woman that was sort of chubby... that wasn't reality either... but now I look in mirror and I am looking at the face of a stranger. I do not look like I did when I was younger and weight this much.... I don't look like anyone in my family, I look decidedly odd to me. There has not been any gifts or blessing from having this done to my body. It totally freaked me out to go shopping the first time... It was not like a fun freak out it was terrifying. And now ... it is a little bit better.... but it is very hard. I can barely stand to meet people anymore because the whole time I'm wondering if they know me from my other life as a fatty or not... and if they ask how are you doing ... I don't know if I should tell them. It is painful. I don't want to talk about my medical life to everyone... but I don't know what else to talk about. And everyone wants to do things around food.... and I so don't. I try and be nice and go along with it... but it is hell (not with you mom and J.... you get it so don't think I'm talking about you). But if people know about the operation they are all watching me freaking eating... and then waiting to see if I get sick... do you know how bad that is for someone that is slightly paranoid as it is?!?! Someone that already has food issues and problems around food?!? Jeesh... and I know, oh I know I donna have it as bad as some people do.... but I feel so overwhelmingly guilty because I choose this... I mean I signed up for it I did it ALL ME..... it isn't like this was an act of G*D it was an act of me.

Well... glad I got that off my chest... hope that didn't bum anyone out to much.

Feeling Good

2005-10-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, I'm feeling pretty good if a bit tired. It is somewhat disturbing to know that I'm a pain regiment that is equal to a cancer patient. I mean WOW..... I knew that the light meds were not taking care of things.... but I didn't realize how much I needed to get my pain lvl down (not all the way gone just down), but I actually have hrs where I feel almost normal. I feel a strong sense of terror when I think about how venerable I am to losing my medical coverage at this point. I would have a lot of pain to deal with plus I would now be sick sick from withdrawal. I'm so use to being stronger then life... LOL... but ummm guess not so much in reality. I am trying to both come to terms with being disabled without loosing hope that I will get better. It is really hard when I still don't know what else is going on to cause the pain. I'm still in limbo as far as some of the stuff goes... and I will stay in limbo for a bit.... I have a diagnoses thing on the 7th.... where I will be asseted for going back to work and hopefully that will answer some of my bigger questions but it may not. I'm sort of wishing that I had some type of group thing to go to and talk to people but I'm told I'm still not ready for that.... and I'm really not... I can't even sit up in an upright chair for more then 15-20min. and long car rides tend to make me nausea (guessing the drugs help with that). I am walking tho'! And really getting better and better at it. I almost look normal walking as long as no one sees me try and get up and get started. Of course I feel foolish when people think that I can lift a bag or follow them at anything more then a crawl.... still don't know if I should explain or not....

Yesterday I was all sorts of sad mostly because I wanted to go hang out with my mom but just knew it would be too much and that I wasn't ready. I wanted to be well enough for just that and I was real sad that I wasn't. But today I'm doing pretty good.... hehehehe it helps that they got Libby, and that supreme court nomiee got shot down....

Happy birthday to me!

2005-10-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am the ripe old age of 35 now. Somehow I have muddle thru' good and bad to make it here. It is quiet a bit further then most people thought I would, in distance, time, and financially security. I was one of "those" kids in my teens, part of the bad crowd ... the ones that parents did not want their kids to be hanging out with, heck I was part of the leadership of that bad crowd.. tho' I like to think I was it's conscience. Yet my own mother imparted upon me dreams and goals that were far above my "station" in life, perhaps that was the greatest gift any human being can give another. Now I find myself surrounded by people who give care and love while I take on another fight. I find myself so happy that I did not listen to the lies that depression has told me, and that I fought to survive both myself and my circumstances. It is a good day, a good day to live and breath and be here.

Love you all.

The panic of time

2005-10-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have been really trying not to feel anxious.... but I'm on the edge of a compleat panic attack and have been feeling this way for a day or more. I'm sure some of it has to do with the rolling of drugs..... as it wears off the pain increases I have to decide if I wait it out or take something inbetween... and some of it is the pressure I am feeling to get better. I mean everyone (including me) is hopeing that this operation fixed everything and that I will be out of pain and back to work etc. And they keep asking me how I feel and I can't help but feel the implied question behind it.... are you really well? are you gonna get all the way well? Me, wanting to make everyone happy, wanting so much for the answer to be yes just for myself...... I just donno what to say. I guess part of it all right now is that I just got off the phone with my doctor and she had to put a date down for paperwork for me to return to work.... and I know that the date can be changed and stuff but I just felt so overwhelmed and so afraid ..... I mean I still hurt quite a bit and to think of going back.... I just felt so scared... she put the date down as Nov. 14th. Which is still a long time away.... but I'm just ..... I feel like what if I fail? What if they think I can but I don't think I can? I should so not be worrying about this.... I so got to relax instead of ripping myself to shreds with self doubt.

Getting better

2005-10-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

These hard meds really are begining to make me feel better AND I'm not feeling as stoned on them... just like everyone said I just didn't beleive. Not to say that during the first few hrs of them I'm not still wonked to the gills, just saying that there are places in the day where I'm not in horrible pain AND I get to think as well. I can't tell you what a relief even a few moments of clarity without pain make me feel, I cried like a baby when it happened. I know that every day I spend on these meds will excated it's price come dose down day, and while everyone is really cool with the whole "I'll be there for you" stuff, I wish they wouldn't say that, I mean they will wittness it but it is something that you do alone or with G*d........ and if you fail? If you don't succed at dosing down and begin to use street drugs? Ain't no one gonna stick with you thru' that.... they can't even if they really want to. Of course I'm gonna win so that is that, no worries at all.

Yesterday I got to go to the new mall and look around. I move like a little old lady with out her walker. HA you can see all the youngin's avoid me like I got the plague! Which is ok by me. I can't yet walk, talk, and breath at the same time. I also have one more week before my flu shot kicks in.... I can't tell you how weird it is to be put in the same catogory as ppl over 65 or having immune system problems. But everyone seems to agree, coughing and throwing up could really hurt the barely repaired stomach mucsles. Basically it isn't the flu that I can't fight off but the side effects of the side effects could be mucho dangerous.

Well I'm off to go skip around the internet and see what everyone is up to! Peace!

Oh so stoned am I

2005-10-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

The pain clinic doctor wants me on the oxycodine stuff..... yes that stuff that you hear on the news that is so addictive because it is basically heroin in pill form. She wants me on it now so that I can start to cut back on the stuff that is acetimphene based and because she feels I will be on something long term. She also has me journaling my pain. This will help them weeks from now when they begin to try and assess how they can best help me and what therapies are gonna work. I am so so stoned. And of course I thought that I could just shift meds and be ok, but no I have to still take them both for now and hopefully by the end of the week (maybe much sooner) only be on the one. I am afraid. I'm so scared. I called my father because he has actually done a lot with injured workers and takes pain meds himself and he is good at this one little part of my life. LOL, well.... he is. I think it is because it is the only place he and I can go that doesn't get us all trapped in the past.

Still can't sit up long enough to play my game. BUT I am trying to catch up on all my blogging buddies. Working on a poem to share with you all soon but it is hard to work thru' the miasma that is in my brain right now.

Back!

2005-10-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I missed you all so much!! The surgery was ok very very painful.... I think the body gives me more pain every time that they have to cut into that muscle as if to say "don't do this ever again!!" There was a slight scary part to my recovery as my blood pressure which is low to begin with shot down to 76/35 and they thought I might be bleeding inside. But instead it was just my wacko blood pressure problem and it righted itself to a "normal"86/44. I am currantly sitting at my mom's house because no one wanted to leave me alone while J. was at work........... :) It took me a long time for the pain to get down to where they could send me home, which met that I was throughly tired of being in that place. I'm still on some pretty good meds. but I hope not for long. Well I can't stay sitting up for very long so that is it for now!!

Peace to you!

Successful surgery

2005-10-10T23:31:00.000-07:00

I am J., the spouse of Achromic.

I have been instructed to let all of the Achromic on the run readers/friends know how the surgery went. So far, it has been a complete success. The biggest thing I marveled at was how much more awake and aware she was immediately following the surgery than on her previous trips under the knife. We had her up walking around a little bit this evening. It hurt her, but she did good.

As I'm not a physician, I have nothing more of any value to report on her condition, other than to be thankful that her emotional and spiritual condition are good, due in large part to you guys rooting for her.

I'm under orders to keep you guys posted if anything changes.

Have a good day, J. (This is the first time in my life I've ever referred to myself as J., but that seems to be my name around here)

LoL as if we would fight about an ipod

2005-10-10T06:39:00.000-07:00

of course J. was not mad at me, and although we fussed alittle bit at each other due to nerves it wasn't bad at all. Dawn has yet to touch the ground here and I am up because I had to take a round of meds right excatly at this time to prepare myself for surgery. Ok I'm really scared that I'm not gonna make it this time. Each time my body has seemed to hate come back out a little bit more. I wouldn't mind dieing so much only I love my hubby so much that I really don't want to go. I also have all this poetry....... I always met to get it together and self publish for my friends and family at the very least. Some of it is actually really good! No really, it is. I talk about the war, and about subjects close to my heart some politcal some personal. It seems like such a waste... and then there was this kids story I met to write..... but I just never got around to it. It was for Gabbies kids but then they went and grew up and LOL they were boys...... all my friends going around having boy babies! I wish .......... ah well there is dawn....... and a yelling cat at my feet.... and all the wishing in the world won't give me more time. I will be back! I'm gonna be alive and I'm gonna be ok! I love you all, even with spam! And don't forget my idea down below! I want those kids taken care of darnit! Make sure you guys keep talking to people an idea can only die when no one cares.

-ok I havn't even left and I want to be home

2005-10-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

I updated Itunes so that I could play with the ipod shuffle and some cool stuff to listen to while in the hospital...... ummm I broke it.... won't open, won't download the new quicktime it just is compleatly F up! Darnit. I still have to pack. I still have to make a list of no. of people to call when I wake up or if I die. My mom is somewhere but I don't know where and she wanted me to help in rescueing a mouse that she found on the sidewalk tonight..... but I can't because I got to go the hosipital tommorwo and I can't risk any zoonitic desised mouse. I'm so tired and I hurt because it is getting close to time for me to take my meds. In case you were wondering.... I hurt like hell. I hurt like someone is stabing me over and over again with a very small but sharp knife in many areas of my body or like there is a peice of broken glass inside of me turning round and round and ripping my insides into shreads. The only time I don't hurt is when I'm so stoned I can't think and then I wouldn't say that I didn't hurt as much as I would say the pain is very far away. Right now it is up close to my face jumping up and down. I'm so not ok. And now when J. gets home the last thing we are gonna fight about is this stupid ipod thing...... what if I die and he forgets all the good stuff we had because we were fighting about an ipod? What if that is all he remembers? I hate it when my meds wear off and I'm in pain , I'm such a freaking basket case.

an idea to share

2005-10-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing I write is copywrited nor is this idea of mine. If you can make it work great and if you want to call it yours fine, I don't care, if you can make a slight profite off of it, you go for it.

Here is the thing that I've been thinking about, I play this game made by blizzard called World of Warcraft. One of the cool things about it is that it is on line real time gaming communty. I love it. I love the people I met there. While I've been sick they have given me much love and support. It has been so cool to have a charater that can get up and walk, run, jump, play when I could not. I got to join Guild of likeminded people to play with, we share intrest and support each other and teach each other new things. The other night I was thinking...... there are all these sick kids in childrens wards all over. What if there was something that could be made like this for them? It would have to be more child friendly of course and be more mondrated to keep sickos out. But it could offer such fun and joy to kids that have nothing.... sometimes more then nothing. It could be run like something between Halo and WOW but be for kids. It could have lvl's according to age that only a doctor or parent could put in. It could have quest, and adventures, but also allow for chating and talking. It could be something that was limited only for these kids. A psychologist could maybe offer some idea's on things that would/could help certian age groups. I donno, I don't have much strength to actually do anything with this idea so I wanted to give it to you my bloggers, even if you don't have any idea with what to do with it, if you talk to someone else about it and they talk to someone else about it......... maybe someone who can and does have the knowlegde and power can do something and then those kids would have something good and that is all that I care about. The thought that we could connect these kids up to each other is one that I think has great merit not to mention the joy of adventureing together.... I can't give them the abitly to ride a bike or go out and play..... but maybe someone out there can make them feel like they are doing it, if only for alittle bit.

We are such geeks

2005-10-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

So there are like a million things that I needed to do today to prepare for the surgery right? And both J. and I are scared to death and stressed about how this is all gonna turn out. SO of course we are gonna fight and I say to him the beginning of the day "hey hun I know we are gonna fight I will try and keep it civil if you do?" and so when we fight do you know what we fight about? Go on guess..... bills?no time? no housework? no........ ummm the relevance of Shakespeare in English lit.? YES! how did you guess? I kid you not. LOL fortunately we did stay relatively civil (as usually he always is, it is me that real has that problem). BTW I was saying it was and he was saying it was not, just incase you really wanted to know. SO funny and I just had to share it. Now you know why all of our friends think we are the weird family but awful nice... because believe it or not this is actually a regular fight that we have... yes the one about Shakespeare........ and LOL when is the last time you fought with your spouse about that?? Right.... and all of our fights are like that. We will rant and rave about applying the first amendment, BIG HUGE fights about that... LOL... and oo all sorts of things. What is the funniest thing you guys have ever fought with someone about?

I have 3 nipples!

2005-10-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

LOL well.......... at least that is one of the wired things that my surgeon told me the other day. I never noticed I just thought it was a mole and I'm sure everyone else did to but she pointed it out while doing a breast exam that no, it was a third nipple. HA! Well, that was more information then you wanted to know I'm sure. (and now I just notice that I made it sound like I've shown a lot more booby then I actually ever have) Two post back to back about boobies! Sure to up my hits on goggle!

Which is the perfect time to start my political rants and ravings! I start you off with this article here:

Does religion correlate with social dysfunction?

I of course immediately want to say YES! but that would be the quick answer biased on my own prejudices. I think when you really look at this study what you will find is that when you mix religion with certain charismatic leaders and combine that with the idea that sin is unlawful that is when you begin with dangerous problems. When a society decides that the government is also in charge of social engineering and taking care of it's young that is begins a corruption of power. The power to speak with G*ds voice has always been an elixir that the politicains have sought that does not make religion in and of itself a bad thing. What makes religion dangerous is that it is so often used by people as a way for them to stop thinking. Yes it is. AND it is understandable, when you are the rat race of surviving it is easy to want that clear path to G*d, to want to know that you have been heard, to be reassured and comforted, and if in return that means that you have to support someone else so that you can live your life the way you want to? well at first this seems like a small price to pay. The greater part of a pop. does not want to work on their relationship with G*d, they want someone else to do it. That person who spends their time on the relationship with G*d is then suppose to guild their people to him, much like an explore will return to his people with a path to safety. King David wrote "the lord is my Shepard I shall not want" in one of the most famous verses of Psalms. I do not think this was a call for us to act like sheep! If I was gonna point out the one thing that I thought all the religous books and materials I have read had in commen it was a plea for us to do our own work in our relationship with G*d. To not trust those who say they have had visions or heard from G*d but to seek out some sort of spritualty within ourselves to reach out to that something out there. And when you are busy doing this you will find little time to judge others actions and you will see that laws can be compassionate but that justice will always be carpicaous for it is not a higher power but only human thing.

WOW this is a great calender

2005-10-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hey folks while noodleing around I found a great calender for those of you that are ok with boobs done in artistic ways and like to donate to a good cause here: Breast of Canada

Thanks Gawdessness for the heads up once again! I personally always try to support medical research!

I introduce you to my spouse

2005-10-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

J. will be taking over this blog when I go into the hospital as I realize that some of you will want updates on how I am doing. So he will at the very least come on and say I woke up and stuff like that. I doubt you will get any long post out of him as he can be quiet shy and I don't think that he quiet understands why anyone would ever in their whole lives open up this much to the world. It just shows how different we can be. Some of my gaming friends have been invited to this blog as well (ok well one gaming friend but you never know maybe one day I will invite more). So now I really got a mess of different people checking in. If J. does decide to start a political debate here, and he is more then welcome to because goodness knows that would get me wanting to come back and read what was being said, then I implore you all, fight as much as you want but lets keep it civil (even if that is as cold as hell). To give a brief description of my hubby as I know him. He is the kindness most gentle person I have ever met. I love him more every year that I am with him. He is very book smart, which annoys me a little bit because I'm jealouse. He has no directional sense what so ever so he gets lost easily which always bugs me to because of course I always know "where" I am with in a few seconds of being asked and can always find my way home if I have lived there for more then a week, often less. He is hot, lol, well I think he is, but what I mean is his body temp is always hot and I am forever cold. J. has made my life fun, and joyful, even as sick as I am he finds ways to bring joy into my life. I love him, and I only wish that other couples find the same happiness that I share with him.

Surgery is schedule for the afternoon on Mon. not sure of the excat time yet. I am terrified beyond belief, there is a child inside of me screaming in a tantrum, banging it's head against a wall, crying horribly, threating dire consquense, that I must constantly tell to SHUT UP! I have probably cried more this week then I have in a long time. I'm ok with that, the drugs and the fear, you know make that happen and they say that crying is a stress reliever. I miss everyone already and I haven't even gone anywhere but I know that when I'm in the hospital I will be to far gone to remember to miss anyone so I might as well do it now. I really hope I get back here fast. I really hope I'm well this time.

It's cheesy

2005-10-05T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yep so, I have been to see a plethora of them there doctor types. Some good news and some bad news. Good news first. The chronic pain specialist is very hopeful that no matter what they can at the very least improve my lvl of pain and help me get back to some thing close to normal.... although weither I will be able to do my job which is fairly physical is still up in the air. I asked for a diagnoses of my pain (so I would know what to call it besides a hernia as that did not seem to include everything that was going on) and she said something close to systematic pain at the surgical insion site some of which seems to be because the fashell (sp) was bundled up "like saranwrap". She said that they wanted to stop the pain from "centralization" which as far as I could make out met that she want to stop the brain from deciding to get stimulation of pain from that area so that it couldn't diffreniant pain that is important from anything else that might be happening to my body. To do this she was gonna up my lvl of pain med while I'm in the hospital. Then send me home on what I'm on now, if then in 4 wks I'm still in pain and on the pain meds I will call her and we will start planning for a reevaluation of why I'm in pain and also the therapies that will be involed in trying to teach me both how to deal with the pain and in teaching my body how to resignal the pain.

The bad news, came from the surgeon.... seems like she could feel the hernia in a different place then last week.... thinks that could be because my muscle is like "swiss cheese". Basically some of the pain that I am feeling could be because I'm getting new tears all the time... nice. She also kept stressing that the surgery may not take care of any pain. I think tho' that was mostly so I would be prepared for that if it doesn't happen and I am. Very much am, I have already in my heart given up my job, and am beginning to accept that I maybe out of work for a long time. She is hopeful that this time they will be able to insert the mesh that they did not do last time.... I'm not as hopeful about that, seems to me that I defy all the surgeon's expectations. I'm also worried because she could not get the other surgeon that she was hoping to help her to come in and help.......She seemed confident but I mean why did she want help unless she needed it in the first place?

On other news my brain seems to be handle the stress in very unusual ways.... now remember I am dyslexic and math and spelling are very very hard subjects for me, so why I would dream that I had to figure out 00.0001/.1707(3/4)=A+B*D^10 before something terrible and dreadful happened I just don't know. Probably because my mom finally gave up her Harry Potter book so that I could read it, and Harry always has to figure out bizzar things before he can do what ever it is that he is suppose to do.

Peace out for now.

More stuff

2005-10-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

So the thing is, that when you are faced with this pain that they cannot fix, there are things that you are gonna feel. Each person of course is gonna feel their own way. I feel scared, angry, helpless. I find that it helps me to make plans, both plans for if I get better and plans for if I don't. I need to know that if this is permenant that I will have something to go to. I need it so that I feel like I have a reason to be here. I personally need a plan A and B, C, D, etc. For some people they would think of that as focusing on the negative and while I respect that this is true for them it is MY F******* illness and darnit you will get out of my way and let me do what I need to do to survive it.

There is also a line between helping and enabling. This line has changed as I have become more and more disabled. I can not even walk for a very long time, now. So at first the helping was more like giving words of encouragement, and now I need more like help with grocery shopping. I think it has been harder for me then it really has for everyone around me. I keep thinking that I can get up and do things..... only to find that I cannot. It has been rare in my life that pure stubbornness has not abled me to push beyond what people thought were my limits. But now, that is not a help and infact I could hurt myself more, so I have to rely on others. I fear the wheel chair..... but I'm really trying not to. I'm reading this lady here and realizing that people with disabilities do have very full lives. I know that I am a long way off from a wheel chair just yet, but the pain is overwhelming... it is sicking when it comes, a horrible sicking pain... and I just need to know that I will be ok no matter what happens. It is like when they told me that my eyes were just gonna get worse and worse and so I forced myself to learn Braille and walk around with a blindfold.... I've never had to use those skills but it gave me comfort to know that I could do it, I could learn to read Braille (heck with my disleixca it was actually in some ways easier because it is different synapse to the brain) and I could learn how to move around.

As for addiction. It is a real fear. But I have no choice but to do what I have to. I cannot live in the pain that I am in. I would rather, much rather be smoking pot which is far less addictive, but I cannot risk jail for my husband. Besides the fact that I don't even know how to get it anymore. So lame I went and grew up on myself. I like drugs, I won't lie and say I don't.... lol remember I said I was talking to G*d on them... well who wouldn't like that? My G*d is a pretty nice guy and it feels good to spend time with him... lol, just kidding with you guys I don't think that I'm talking with G*d but it does feel that way when I'm high. But I put the hubby man in charge of giving them to me that way I just take away the tempting to do it my way. Which is great because I can talk myself into doing about a million unhealthy things. That is actually how I got here, talking myself into eating this or that and not excersing.

I am going to my very first pain clinc appt today. I donno what to expect. They are suppose to help me set realistic goals.... er.... I don't want to hurt... that seems realistic to me. Well we will see what we will see, I will try and keep and open mind and remember to see the similarities not the differences.

Peace out

Hurting and helping

2005-09-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

G*d knows I would never wish for you or a loved one to be going thru the pain that I am... but what if you were? or someone you loved? There are things that I have learned that perhaps may help some of you and this is what I'm gonna write on today. These of course are only my personal experance, I am not a doctor, or psychologist, but I'm pretty smart even if I can't spell or put a sentence together well.

First off, beleive them, even if you don't do. Unless you have real soild evendence that they are drug seeking assume that the meds are not reaching the pain and that it is the issue. If you are the one in pain, stop second guessing yourself, you know what hurts! Stop being afraid of what ppl will say and get help. Make them help you.

Journaling can be good for both people. I have not done this yet but I plan on starting after hearing from Gawdessness.That she is having her daughter do it. This can help you tell the doctor when you are hurting and how much. (LOL did you notice that I actually LINKED TO HER!!!)

One of the things that I find helps me is to have someone read to me, lol it doesn't matter what it is, it should be something that the reader will enjoy. I cannot focus to much but the comfort that someone is there is HUGE!

The mood swings ... I should touch on this. Being in pain is like wakeing up on Mon morning every single morning only about 2k worse. This however does not give you the right to be grouchy with everyone. They aren't in pain, they still are not mind readers, the do want to help so stop being a grouch. Remember no matter how much the opuim makes you think you are talking to G*d (well it does me) it has not upped your telapathic abilty at all, if anything, if you were slightly talented it will block that like a steele door. For those of you that have to deal with us, remember both the pain and the med's are effecting our emotions. The meds can makes us suddenly need hugs and be touched even if a moment before we couldn't stand the sight of you, and the pain.........stuffing down the pain can make you more harsh then you mean to be. When you are in pain the entire world revoles around that pain.

I strongly suggest, getting up and showering every single day.
I strongly suggest getting up and finding something that you will find urgent to do. For me this is to argue with my friends over here and here.
Also find people on the net that you can share and love and hang out with when you can't get up and move about ..... when even going to the store is too much. Some of my faves are Cubbiegirl,
Gawdessness, Cluttergirl, Loinmom ok there are more but I'm getting tired so I'm gonna stop right now with that list.

Ok I thought of more stuff to write..... but one of the other things is that you are very very forgetful when on this stuff, so write everything down when you think of it. LOL but now I can't remember the rest of what I had to say so that is it for now guys. Love you all too!

yea so the surgery is on

2005-09-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

well, I'm going in on the 10th of Oct. She almost laughed when I said "umm that laprosocpic option?" she stuffed down her giggling enough to explain that " no we gots to cut you all the way and remove all those old staples and do it right this time" (ok I'm eggsartation a bit she was actually very very nice.) She also said very sadly ... that this may not take away the pain.... and if I understood right.. that I may be so damaged that ... well she would have to see about the other stuff like work... and going back. I knew that... I did... I was able to not cry right there. It is one thing tho' to be making a self diagnoses and another to have a doctor say it. Deep breath here... to tell the truth I didn't want to write this right now at all but my mom said you all would want to know and she is right I know that. To be going under again... and to not know if it will help at all.... and to not know if anything ever will. To give up the idea of running and playing... ok, well, there are people that need my help, who I can help, especially now that I've been given the time. I will not stay locked in this house... I won't be stopped.

I'm so not ok

2005-09-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it that Kasier has to wait until the pain meds don't work before they even see me? No don't answer that I know why. Because they are an HMO and that is the way they work. I hurt... all day... I hurt.... the pain meds are barely working at all. I don't want to go to the ER. I really don't. DAMNIT.... J.'s LSAT's are in a week why can't this just hold off until he is thru' with them??? WHY does it have to go into a crisis right this week???!!!! I am soooo sooo sooo MAD!!! He has been working his butt off, if I could just hold out just a little bit longer..... but it hurts so bad.... like something eating me alive... and and and the visions are coming in... with the drugs...visions of........doesn't matter... just drug hazed dreams... but they feel so real. Opium dreams...... Gakk I'm so sick. The kidney's, the herina, it all just hurt's inside and the tiredness of it all... more then what sleep can cure.

Sorry for all the complaining...

and I'm outta here

2005-09-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

well I can't work. The surgery people are gonna see me on Tues. I am out of work until then... and would expect for longer because I doubt that I can work while I wait for them to get the OR place schedule. I'm on the drugs again.... and they are not really helping all that much... but I won't yet ask for a higher lvl.... yet... There is a piece of me that knows this is the end of being able to work.... there is a part of me that is detirmed that it not be.... to the point of applying for a great position in my co. Part of me accepting and part of me fighting.... if I only knew the right path.... if I could only hold out... just a little longer... but I don't think... I donno. There is a part of me that is like "ok kid, suck it up you are disabled now stop thinking you can be part of a normal workforce." There is this place between hoping for it to be better and accepting what is so you can move on.... and it is horrible to be in that place.

On the other hand ummm how clean do you think your place has to be to have someone come and clean it? I just need to start from ground zero again... it has gotten out of control while I fight my health battles... what is your opinion on this?

I swear all I did was sneeze

2005-09-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

and my intestine started to pop out. Yep the little hernia that the doctor saw ummm like 2 wks ago... it is much bigger now. It felt like a big piece of glass push up thru my gut into my chest and out of my skin. Nice. I know I need to call the doctor. We are on it. J. up my meds after we fought alittle bit about it. It wasn't that he didn't want me to take more, it is just that it is hard for me to find a time to call my doctor here at work with any amount of privacy so I tend not to and he didn't want to give me more without knowing it was really ok and I was just in pain and hurting and I'm not very reasonable when I'm like that.

Back again

2005-09-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry it takes so long between post sometimes. I found it hard to get on here and complain about myself when the whole tragity in NO was happening.

But I did go to the doctors inbetween this and my last post. My blood pressure has again dropped to 90/60.... whoosh... well I havn't been taking my salt pills..... I'm so bad at taking anything on a regular basis if it wasnt' for my spouse reminding me about drinking enough water I would probably die. This time she was able to feel a small hernia.... and is sending me to a new surgent..... I can't tell you excatly how much of a blind panic this puts me into. She also cut out the Prozac, it was not helping and I was having some pretty nasty side effects and I just don't see a need for it unless I'm gonna hurt myself or someone else. I am, the pain is pretty bad. I am thinking that I maybe having to look into disabilty...... I don't know how much longer I can work..... I am stunned... and sad... but ok. I don't even know where to start tho'. I mean how poor do have to be to quailfy?

ugg have to go!

The glass

2005-09-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

Blown glass
Made of fire made of sand
Touch of iron
Red lines
Scorching across
The blue blue sky

Streach so thin
To make a bend
Back before the break
Rounded edge
To carass the lips
Of whatever stranger takes her

Cool down
Quiet sounds
Breath in not out
Burned skin, callous lies
About how fine it is

Canbilisim and Christainty

2005-08-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ok someone wants to know why I think Christians are canbilsist. It is strange to me that they do not see themselves this way. They make all sort of excuses for their behavior but the truth is that most strains of Christianity have some sort of communion. Communion is the acting out of eating the flesh and blood of their "messiah". Now it is true that there is no actual blood or flesh it is usually some kind of bread/cracker and wine/grape juice that they are pretending is actual flesh and blood (some may take offense at the word pretending but I couldn't think of what else to call it). To me I donna care how you justify it, it is acting out the eating of an actual person, that is cannibalism. That's just plain gross and barbaric. As you aren't actually physically hurting anyone it is your right to be as gross as you want to be. But I find it odd that you stand on some moral high ground about how other people act when you still sit around acting out a set of circumstances where you all pretend to eat someone. People that want to control who does what should start by not pretending to eat people.... IMHO and teach their kids not to eat people. We wonder why our culture is so violent...... how could be less when we started with a religion that thought to take a revered person and eat him? That isn't even sanitary..... do you know if you actually ate humans how many disease you could get, how nasty sick you could be?

you may not have noticed, but I got some great commenters here

2005-08-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

Seriously I do. If I could figure out how to work my blog right (yes shylah tried to teach me and someday I will have the time and energy to learn) I would put up that link to all the great people that I'm beginning to get to know.

Today kinda blows big chunks. A person that I know died. He was sick with cancer and we all knew he was losing. He was a great man. More then that I don't want to say for fear of being Dooc'd one day. (Saying to much about where you work so work fires your butt as they did to Dooce whom you can google and read her blog about how she got fired and why her name is now synonymous with being fired for having a blog).

Another reason today blows is they upped my dosage of Prozac 3 days ago and I thought that the side effects of helicopters and stuff would wear off but I'm still nausea and still feeling very not so good. The lady that I'm working with on this wants me to go to psych. Which I donna have problem with (well..... sorta don't have a problem with) but when they call me they start saying a bunch of stuff about mood swings and depression that NO ONE has ever talked to me about having before. I'm pissed...... I feel lied too, I feel like they are playing games. The med's I'm taking are making me question my own sanity because darnit no matter how close I live to the airport of a major city their should not me helicopters inside my head all day. I seriously thinking of ditching the psych meds. and ditching this lady and going to my primary and demanding the referral to Stanford.......... I feel very done but I can't tell if I'm thinking rationally or not. I wish very very hard that I had some real people that I really trusted giving me some medical advice right now.

I'm so tired. I'm so so so freakin' tired. I'm procrastinating the hell out of things right now. Stuff at work stuff at home. Nothing that isn't a priority is getting done. If it's not an emergency it isn't happening. What is wrong with that? it has been like that for almost 2 yrs. TWO YEARS! It has been very bad the last 8 months and the problem is I see no end in sight. I need hope.....

What G*d won't do

2005-08-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to me how many people are willing to believe that G*d will indeed give you anything if you just ask in the right way. I remember one time someone asking me about my dyslexic:

T: Donncha think that G*d Jesus Christ Our Lord can remove your dyslexic?
ME: He might be able to but he won't
T: Sure he will. You just gotta pray about it.
ME: Ummm I did pray, lots of time about it
T: Did you ask in Jesus' name
ME: Yes, I was a S. Baptist of course I did
T: Well you must have been holding something back child because I'm tellin' you he will relieve the sufferin' of the people who pray to him.

At this point I always got to back away before I become completely violent (not a side of myself that I like or approve of but it is still there). I know the way many many people do that G*d will not remove the suffer of someone just because you pray about it. He will not save a loved one, he will not cure mental illness, he/she/it doesn't answer millions and millions of peoples prayers every single day. And I don't think that just because so and so got "cured" after he prayed that somehow G*d choose him to be special and deserving more so then someone else that was praying or being prayed over. People do some stupid things when they are told and they believe that G*d could and should cure someone or themselves of what ever is wrong.... like not give insulin to a diabetic. There are about a million consequences to believing that G*d could and will, and in my opinion a vast majority of them are detrimental to your health.

When I was a child and they learned that I would have learning problem, that I would never be a doctor, I would always find school hard, math in particular.... they prayed. When I learned later (much) that I had a learning problem that I was not stupid, I thanked G*d because it was something that I could do something about. (but I still prayed not to have it) There is nothing so awful to someone that is going thru a hard time to hear that if you just prayed that maybe if your special enough that G*d will fix it but if you don't do it "right" or your not "special" enough then too bad. I don't think that G*d works like that. I donno much but everything I do "know" about G*d says that praying right or being special doesn't have anything to do with living, dieing, or quality of life.

Sorry it has been a while

2005-08-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

BUT the hubby requested that I not blog about some stuff and when I'm told I can't I want to really really bad. So I spent my time commenting on other blogs and trying very hard not to come over here and just blab about everything. As he is a good spouse that is normally ok with me blogging about everything.... I felt I must respect him in his request....*@#@*****. BTW I did write the post........ and should he ever decide to die on me....not because he scared me about that;) I will post it.

So what is happening. First thing is the CT scan shows nothing. SO I am gonna look into the pain clinic in Stanford and getting acupuncture. The other thing is that I gave in, and I am taking a very light dose of vicoden at night. It was a hard decision. I put hubbyman in charge of it, so I don't even know where the pills are and even if I did he can count. The pain had become overwhelming, I was waking up in the middle of the night in a lot of pain, no sleep, still hurting, it wasn't doing me any good. And the pain is defiantly less, like it is less all the time. Maybe getting some relief at night is helping the nerves not send the signals..... I donno. BUT I do not think that it is the end, but only a breather so that I can catch my breath and start to figure out what is going wrong. Is it PSTD? Or as Julie says PASS? or is it something else? I don't know, but I swear that I will. I have a great life and I'm not willing to spend the rest of it on drugs. (funny at one time in my life that was all I wanted)

I have some other stuff to say but I think that is another post soon to come. Love you all very much!

Frist off YAYA to Chasmyn!!!

2005-08-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

who just delivered a healthy baby boy!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYA

Now on to my own issues... LOL after all that is really what this blog is for. I have learned as Julie from below said that most of the boards and forums for chronic pain are ..... well full self pitying crap. AND in all honesty having not a heck of a lot to do with the type of pain that is going on with me. I do not have a diagnosis as of yet, and although I may have something like fibromyalga that is something that I had before .... that is not what is acutely wrong right this minute. I have however learned one thing that has set my mind at ease, it is not unusual for people to make light of their pain problem when confronted with a doctor. That it is not at all unusual to talk yourself out of being as sick as you are moments before you walk in. That I am not alone that when the nurse says "and why is the doctor seeing you today?" to immediately feel attacked and defensive. AND I'm not alone when it comes to leaving the doctors office and your love ones say "well? why didn't you just do this" to feel overwhelmed and helpless. I find myself more and more angry of our health care system which seems as pointless as being angry at the IRS.

This will probably be more information then you want to know. But I need to talk about it so don't read if you don't like graphic details, it's ok not to, really!

So what is wrong? Ok I have pain in my gut and kidney area. 2 separate places. One that is about the middle of my scar area. It goes from not hurting much to hurting very badly. It hurts a lot to poop, not in the poop area, but in the gut. It feels like a cold hard bullet setting in there twisting and turning. I cannot stand to be touched or poked there.... which seems to make every doctor want to do exactly that. I often slouch in my chair at home almost balled up in cradle like position to try and relieve some of the pain.... that doesn't work very well. I have pain in my kidney area. This started when I had stones and they did the lithotropsy. They said it would go away, it didn't. It comes and goes. I could live with this one, it leaves me breathless but it is more like a contraction, painful but when it is gone it is gone. I think it is smallish stones that are not getting caught in there passing. But sometimes it sticks around for a bit and then I think it might be an appendix problem... but then it goes away so that is why I think it could be small stones. What I do know that I have is low blood sugar and low blood pressure. These are documented, and there isn't much to be done except for what I'm already doing about them which is watching what I eat and taking salt pills. I think they could be the symptoms of some other types of problems but I don't know, most of those are pretty rare and I don't have a family history that would make me think those are likely. My white blood cells are fine. My urine has calcium, sometimes. Everything else is rock steady. I am not anemic. I am scared. While talking this week to my hubby about the dream of our future, I had to put in "if I'm healthy enough"...... which also met "if I'm not so stoned off of pain medication by that time." because I don't know how long I can hold out. I'm already taking bendralye every single night...... yes I have allergy, but I could take less knock your sock off stuff and I choose to take the bendralye because I know it will take the edge off the pain too. I will be trying acupuncture next..... which some of you may know me well enough to know ... that I'm a western medicine kind of gal.... You won't hear me say much about that because I think it is better for you if you can believe in something to believe in it, but I don't. But ok, HMO says they will pay for it if the CT scan comes up with nothing, so off I go try it out. Hopefully my belief none-withstanding it will work. If it doesn't then....... well at the same time my doctor said she would sign a refreal for me to go the the Stanford Pain Clinc which is not very far at all from me, so if that is the case then I will do that to and let their team of doctors look me over. Someone will tell me what is wrong, I am not crazy.

Peace out.

ok that is just plain wrong

2005-08-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

I wanted to see if there were other suffers of chronic pain... although I'm not quiet ready to put myself in that group but you know to see what other people had to say about it. So I put the words "chronic pain" in the blogger search box and MY own blog is the only one that shows up!

Hummm there must be a way to search other blog type things out there.... I mean you can't google it because you just get a bunch of news stories. I want to connect to other people not read about the newest latest greatest thing that won't work.

The stupid things people will do

2005-08-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

So I have to go into work late at night which takes me right by the airport. Which means I get to see people acting out in the most stupid ways possible and either almost kill me or involve me in their suicide attempts. The other night was a particularly bad night where in 3 people in separate incidence all decided to act very stupid.

The first person was in one of those big trucks, you know the ones that say "I have no penis and I'm hoping your too drunk to notice" trucks? Anyways we are on the street, not the highway mind you, and I'm going around a 18 wheeler truck because it is on the way to industrial park and this guy gets his choice of being stuck behind me or the 18 wheel truck at the stoplight. He is smart and choose me, we both pass the 18 wheel truck and he suddenly puts his petal to the metal and screeches out to go 4 buildings up the to McDonalds......... because I guess his order was ready? This is not a teen hang out area it is in the middle of an industrial park and across from a Best Western.... BUT ok he really needed to get to that McDonalds and it only slightly unnerved me.

The next guy REALLY pissed me off. This was a guy in a wheel chair in the middle of a turn lane going the wrong way with no reflectors on his chair or lights of any kind. He apparently was looking to commit suicide and thought I looked like I could help him. No he was not lost or hurt, he was apparently in an argument with someone on the sidewalk and had decided to go into the street to make his point. (this btw was only a block from the McDonalds) I wanted to get out and explain to the guy that while I support euthanasia for those who want it, that I was opposed to being volunteered without my consent in helping him out.

By the time I got to the third guy I'm on this single lane street. He is lost. Which I sympathize with but I have no patience for anymore this night. Besides the fact that it makes me nervous when cars are acting weird and I'm alone in mine. This guy keeps stopping suddenly looking around then driving slowly, then speeding up, then swerving, This results in me testing out my breaks in my car several times. I cannot get around him. Finally he goes in the right direction towards the lights of the airport (which I assume is what he wants) and get on my way.

I know you all think I'm paranoid when I say they are out to kill me and that Satan is really responsible for road planning but I think I'm on to something.

I hurt but I'm happy

2005-07-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

Yes .... I am now feeling a general sense of well being about the world, the universe, all the people in it. I feel good and loved. I still hurt, quiet a bit actually, but I feel no panic, no anxiety. I want to hug people.... really I do... I feel no sense of urgency at all. I want to go find the guy I gave all my cash on hand the other day (it was like 3$) to and find out if he is ok, if he needs cigg., or a soda, or more money..... (hummm I guess I ought to give J. my ATM card). I know... I know I should not be feeling this way..... I know this is not me...... but I really don't care..... I should care....... I find myself drifting in and out of this world into a blank space.......... not like I did on morphine where I was out there ... I mean on morphine you are someplace just not this place..... this takes me to no place. I donno if that is good or bad... I mean bad stuff is happening to me and I need to handle it without panicking and being depressed and all that stuff.... but ..... I donno....

I'm not sick but I'm not well

2005-07-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well prozac is a very interesting little drug. The first day I took it I felt like there were helicopters in my brain, the next day I woke up in a pile of my own feces ... nice, if I wasn't depressed before I certainly began to feel so right about then. So far I have extreme nausea and hot flashes ... yummy and I thought menopause was at least another 10yrs off. And the pain? the pain if anything feels worse. BUT today I saw the surgery dude. AND he says that sure enough I'm most likely crazy as a loon. They are gonna do a CT scan just to make sure but he thinks ... now get this... that it is like an amputation I'm feeling pain for something I don't have anymore. That the muscles don't have the fat and some how that is causing pain for the fat....... I donno.... J. was there maybe he can explain more of to me later as he seemed to "get" whatever the dude was selling. In the mean time if I would just "wait a few weeks and stay on these nice drugs" MAYBE some pain relief will happen. Or maybe I will just walk in front of a BART train and end it all either way I'm sure would work for them. Oh crimmeny after he poked on me I have hurt so much today. I hurt every time I breath. I donno how I can keep going into work each day. I'm really trying to .. hang in there.... but it is getting harder and harder. When I have free time ... I just try not to move. Poor J. he married a lively fat woman that took on the whole world and then stuck around until the whole world came up with a can of whoop ass that I promptly stuck my entire body into.

I had more to say... I swear I thought of about a million things to talk about but now I have drawn a complete blank. Mostly because quiet a bit of my mind is pondering out Naamen and my last debate in which he asks me about how to describe humanity in a way that leaves out the unborn..........so I keep thinking on it and trying very hard not to look on the internet for what other people's answers are. It is my rules of fair play. If I argue something then it has to be either something that I puzzled out myself or if it is a fact/science/history then it should only be used as a point of reference. I like to think for myself, even if I'm totally wrong and perhaps now completely crazy. (sometimes tho' I do cheat a little bit and ask my spouse what he thinks but then I usually say "this is what my spouse thinks")

The nice part is that I don't think J. cares if I'm crazy. Only if I'm happy... and he knows I'm not right now. I yelled at him when he said "I know what your feeling..." He didn't deserve to be yelled at. It wasn't the best remark to make but it certainly was not intended to be...... well hurtful. I mean if someone yelled at me for everytime I said something stupid I would still be getting yelled at. It was just the thought of another few weeks of pain........and then if that doesn't work... how much longer will it be? You know what he did with my cloths full of feces BTW? he washed them.... didn't yell, didn't ask me why I didn't burn them (they stank), just took them out and washed them.

Prozax nation

2005-07-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

Well so, they want me to give prozax a try. Now I'm against this for many reasons, like I donno it causes some people to become suicidal. BUT the pain is becoming so bad that I don't have much will left to argue it with them either. "They" say that it has pain relieving properties........ I donno...... maybe it does......... or maybe they just think I'm crazy and this is a nice way of giving me meds without you know coming right out and saying your nuts. But I mean how crazy is it to have 5 surgeries in 2 years and be pissed as hell because you still hurt? How depressing is it? Shouldn't you be sad if that is what has happened? If they start saying well we may have to go in again to relieve the adhesions that are causing you pain... wouldn't you be a bit upset? Is that really nuts? I mean if that is the possibility wouldn't you feel a bit like life was out of your control? I donno, I went and picked up and took one..... because I want to feel better and I donna care anymore how that happens..... and I feel like a buzzing in my head (not a buzz dude like a pot buzz) the buzzing I can feel it in my teeth. It is not pleasant and I feel very not hungry. They said to give it a week...... we shall see.

When your mom finds your blog

2005-07-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

No I don't live at home and yes I'm old enough to swear, have sex, and even leave the country if I had the money to do it.

Man, is there anyone in the world that can make you feel like you are about two except for your mom? I suppose it was bound to happen... I wasn't hiding it or anything. And my mom, unlike most mom's is completely computer literate. You know when I was young and needed money real bad, it was never any moral compuctions about nudity that kept me from doing porn... no it is the firm belief that my mom would find out. Oy, so you know I wrote that post about how much I've been hurting..... now I told her I was in pain and that it was bad, but NOW that I wrote the WORLD about it... now it is real. AND they wondered in my teen life why had to do dramatic things in order to get attention. Man, it isn't like I posted a suicide note. I just thought people should know where I'm at because picking up the phone and hearing all the nice advice you all have to share is taxing. I donna want to keep explaining my health care situation, I donna want to have to hear about all the things I should do. I got to get thru', that is what I got to do, and I'm doing the best I can, but I'm tired all the way down to my being tired and this is one of the few places that I see as my refuge, where I donna have to play any games about how I feel or what is on my mind. Everyone is welcome here. Even my mom. But this is my place, and it does have my pain, my suffering, my brand of the family craziness, and odd political thoughts and idea's. This is my reality, bad spelling, bad english, horrible composition, etc.

I still read Newsweek

2005-07-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

I admit that my spouse with his 24/7 love of news has made the mag. sort of pointless in my house because usually the stuff they have chosen to write about is long been discussed, fought about, and greatly debated, far more in-depth before the mag ever gets in my home. Besides that there are very few contributor to the mag that are actually worth reading. But every once in awhile there is something and this week there were two somethings. First there was a little article in the front part about a lollipop that taste like pot. Yessiribob POT, now the lollipop did not contain any pot, or any THC or any other active narcotic ingredient.... For those of you that have never partaken of pot (are there really people out there that have never done that).... pot does not taste particularly good. SO why am I harping on this.... ummm because we are gonna waste taxpayer money to ban the sale of a lollipop that doesn't taste good and contains ummm nothing. Because people are offended. We got a war going on... we got a supreme court placement which may change the face of america, we got problems in our prisons, in our social services, and we don't know what we are gonna do when we run out of oil.... but we got to spend money on a banning a lollipop who's novelty would probably have worn off if everyone had just ignored it??? Come on people.

Next thing that Newsweek had was in the very back they usually have someone like George Will write something up like he did this week. Now usually I'm not such a George Will fan... LOL .... as probably some of you can guess. BUT this week he was talking about something close to my heart. He was talking about a book that was written by a conservative on how we treat animals that are being raised for food. He was saying that most of the time conservatives don't like to look at this subject because they don't want to see animals as being valued enough to cost money to care for. He said that many Judo-christians don't see animal life as important, but then he went on to say how it was and how it did fit in with those values. YAYAYA. It is true that caring for lives we are taking to feed us would cost a lot more. I do understand that. But, here in america, we got food. I mean I'm sorry folks, but we got so much food it is making us sick. We throw it away, it is worthless to us (which aggravates me because I know good an well that there are some who are still in need of it). Personally I'm for it costing more if it really and truly means that we are giving a compassionate life to the animal and a merciful death when it comes time. I'm just not for them saying that is why they are raising the price and then it isn't true. I think that before we make more laws about the compassionate care of farm animals we need to make sure that the agency in charge of that has the ability to regulate it.... and I think that would fall under the USDA.....Which would be a problem. The USDA is under a lot of fire these days both in trying to keep terrorist out of our food supply and keeping things like Mad Cow Disease from becoming a reality for thousands of americans (which by some reports it already is). This agency is already far far far in over it's head. Under budgeted for inspectors per facility it has had to make compromises that are pretty scary. Yet... I mean if you are gonna have to inspect both cattle and research facilities hundreds if not thousands of miles away from your home I mean dudes, I would want to be paid some good cash for that. This is not a minim pay job you know? The knowledge of animals must be either at the veterinary lvl or darn close... which means years of school and/or experience. And people with that kind of knowledge are greatly desired people.... by people who can pay more then the USDA. BUT HEY you know what I can see why we need to pay lobbyist to stop pot lollipops...... I can see why I would waste my tax payer money to keep lawmakers in session over lollipops..... lollipops are REALLY important.

What is really go on

2005-07-15T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm stuff down the sounds of my screams. I hurt every day now. I won't let them put me on pain meds until they can tell me what is wrong and how they are gonna fix it..... so far .... they don't know. So I tell myself I must not be hurting.... that it must be in my head, I must be somehow taking the pain from inside and making it physcial. But I'm not so sure....... it is not, it doesn't seem, like that kind of thing to me.... but then again it wouldn't..... They are thinking adhensions, but I'm thinking gallstones....... I've also heard renal colic..... What ever it is the pain is driving me insane. But I can't function at my job, my life, on the drugs.... and if I can't do that then why have a life? So I go ahead and eat the pain.... I've already begun to accept that I may never ever live another day on this earth without it. That makes me sad. But it also makes me figure out how to live inspite of it. I will not feel sorry for myself... I will not take it out on those people that I love the most.... I will learn how to be happy even if I hurt. I will, because I said so and I always do what I say I'm gonna do.

Sounds of silence and blue skies

2005-07-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

When I woke up today the bombs in London had already happened. The death toll was already beginning to spread, and survivors were beginning to tell their stories. My first instinct was "Wow I didn't know they would be so upset about the Olympics being held in London." My spouse, ever the brighter one in the household, shook his head and said "honey I don't think this has to do with the Olympics.... see they are at the G8 summit..." as Tony Blair began to speak surrounded by great world leaders. "G8? Summit?" I said, "What is that? I think I remember something...."

It is true. Even tho' I consider myself fairly well read and try and keep up on politics I had not been paying that much attention to this summit, it had not even crossed my mind and I suppose if it had I still wouldn't have thought much about it because in all honesty I would have thought they are having a meeting about how to do a lot of nothing... as usual. I didn't even realize that our president was out of country.

But even as the terrorist point out with startling accuracy about how much we don't know about what is happening around the world it was not my ignorance that struck me hard this morning that came later. No, see I drive the back roads by a major city airport every morning. At first I didn't notice it... then it was like something itching at the back of my head.... and it grew and it grew and it grew... then I looked up at the tarmat... and realized there were no planes on it... infact there were no planes anywhere... and that sound, that itch? It was silence. They hadn't said on the news that they were grounding all flights...I still haven't seen that reported anywhere... but I know what I saw and I know what I heard... Nothing... and you know when I last heard that kind of nothing? 9/11..... and it suddenly struck me all the sadness, as I stared into the blue skies...... All I could think in my silly stupid thoughts is "I'm really beginning to hate blue skies". I wish our president was as elegant a speaker as Tony Blair was after 9/11... for all of the prime ministers failings I will never forget the comfort of his speech after 9/11. I worry now what will happen... how many more innocent people will die in the wake of this tragedy.... and of course I wonder.... will "those" people come back here? are "they" sitting next to me? are our buses safe? our classrooms?

Still here just thinking deep thoughts

2005-07-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

Naamen asking me:

"Pro-choicers tend to want us (pro-lifers) to prove when "personhood" begins as an argument against abortion. To me, this is crazy talk. Before you kill someone, you should accept the burden of proof that the killing is okay. So, I turn the question to you: Can you prove that the unborn child does not deserve the rights and protections that we would normally give all people? If you can't prove it, then we should err on the side of life. "

But I think he skips the point of bring up personhood. We must start there because we cannot justify killing a person until we agree that it is a person. It was part of the foundation for much bigotry was the thought that "those" other "people" weren't really people. It is in-fact how much slaughter begins is the dehumanizing of the "others" who ever they happen to be at the time in history. This is part of why it has taken me so long to responded because I feel conflicted, I tried talking it out with my spouse but he so often see things in black and white that having philosophical conversation can be hard (but then then again his facts are very very solid so that is the awesome part about talking with him!). Here is what I have come up with, but I'm still not very happy with it. I believe that intelligent life deserves rights and protections of all people, prior to it becoming an intelligent viable life form while it deserves respect that should be given to ALL life it should not be protected in the same way. Why does even this disturb me? Because of course then someone is likely to say then we should kill everyone that is mentally disabled or as you are dyslexic then your intelligence is in question why shouldn't your rights be less? AND they have a point. BUT first of all I never said at what level of intelligence deserves the rights and protections and that would be actually a pretty low bar, and second people who are at an extremely low lvl of intelligence are already not afforded ALL rights or protections. Once competency is lost then you are subject to what ever whim your guardian see fit to give, like a dog, and some dogs are well treated and others are not. And some very low functioning adults are given good/great treatment and others are not... and I don't see that as being a big hot political debate.... EVER! Why? Because they don't VOTE. They don't have the right to plan their medical care, they don't have right to even go to the store and buy something when they want many times. And in the end they can't have these rights, because it is cruel to make someone that cannot figure out how to cross the street safely responsible for figuring out how to go the store, or what is good for them medically. Their guardian get to do this. SO it must be for an embryo, their guardian must be left to make the choices for them because they have not reached the threshold to gain the rights and protections, yet, that is afforded to them at another stage of development. Is it fair? IDK.... life is not always fair, but I believe it is the best thing we can do until we begin insist that all people are on BC until they are of age to consent to not being on BC. Yeah.... I thought that might raise a few hackles... and yes I do completely welcome any and all decent and challenges. Come in and change my mind...

Just because it's in a book doesn't make it true

2005-06-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

I get continually frustrated by people who believe that just because they found a book that says something about G*d that it must be true. Their book usually has some miracle that "proves" its validity. It isn't just the Xtains.... oh no not even close..... it is all of them, some of my good wiccian/pagan friends, jews, muslims, and xtians all seem to just get fanatical about some "book" weather they call it the bible, koran, or some weird teaching of some guy I never heard of. What is wrong with you all? If in science we trusted what one guy wrote about his findings to make medicine for you... we would be killing you by the droves! I love it when someone tells me they have done "research" and I ask them because I really do want to learn new things and I love history and I do want to know more about G*d... but when their "research" is reading what the PTB have given them or worse yet a search engine on a site that is for their denomination it takes every single bit of patience I have to not want to pull my hair out. Reading what someone else thought about what someone else thought that might be part of what someone else wrote about. This is a magic show not a spiritual endeavor to find G*d.

There are a few out there that do real good stuff. They really believe and they have real reasons (real as in they have thought it out and not been handed it to them by someone else) for believing how they do. Therefore they understand the laws of their belief and how to apply it in their life. And I usually know these people because they do enjoy talking about what they believe and when I ask them something that they don't know they just say "I don't know but maybe we can find out. "

Although this is an old complaint of mine (donna want some of my friends to think it is a new rant) I guess I'm mostly frustrated right now because I was asking some of my Xtain friends if the bible didn't say that abortion was wrong would they still believe it was wrong? That led for some into the question about what is human and what is not which of course leads right back to the bible... For others it they decided that if a child would say it was wrong then of course it was....... because a child was innocent and therefore wouldn't have a cloudy look on the problem...... ok umm still thinking that's out there but at least it was a good attempt to try and answer the question (more just didn't even try). Still more said there were great secular arguments but never said what they were...... BUT the worst came today when it was insisted that there was only one bible.... I just wanted to cry in frustration. First off it was a great way to get off topic because of course I couldn't let that fly bad enough that you think that a bible makes it right even worse when you don't understand that there are several different sects within your own belief system that all think they have the one and only BOOK OF G*D. If I could only drag that person to every other religious fanatic's (not only within their own system but in every single type of religious sect of all the different religions out there) to hear those exact words....... of how they have the one and only bible. It is like talking to someone that doesn't understand the difference between what is in the constitution and what was said in the Declaration of independence and how this isn't a democracy that we live in it never was. I just donno. These are smart people, really smart people who want to do good things...... how can we be so far apart?

This doesn't mean that I need a scientific backing for everything. I mean tell me that you believe in your bible because it feels right to you or because you feel that G*d led you in that direction fine by me. BUT don't tell me that we should bias medical findings, laws, or anything else that will effect people outside of your particular belief system based on the writing of your belief system. If you believe that abortion and embryonic stem cell research is wrong because it is murdering a human life and you want to make a LAW against it then I want to hear a secular reasoned approach to why. I will even give you that the embryo is a life, but then so is grass. Come and get me.

No everything is not ok

2005-06-21T00:18:00.000-07:00

I didn't call anyone father's day. Not my grandpa (who deserves to be called) and not my father (who's deservedness is still in question) because I just couldn't face them. I just can't .... because after 3wks off of the pain meds... I'm back to hurting again... well actually ok I never stopped... I just wanted to stop hurting so I told myself I must be making it up. But last night I hurt so bad that I could barely breath.... so I called the doctor today and I get to take a CAT scan tommorwo and I refused the pain meds because I just can't do that route again. And tonight? I hurt. So I just couldn't call them... I just couldn't lie and say it was all ok... because it isn't and if I don't call then maybe they think I'm ok and that is better then being a problem ... I'm tired when does this stop??? I cannot keep this up they will both call eventually but for now I put it off, telling them.

In the meantime the love of my life is still broken hearted about our cat Joe.... I am too but in a muted way in comparsin. My fundemental belief about life and death, while allowing saddness for sure, also allows for a joy in the passing of one that could not be happy here.

What I'm most distressed about is Zach .... a gay teen that is being held in a christian "camp" to be rehablitated..... I am so very sad as the leader of this group calls for gays that leave LIA wanting to remain gay to kill themselves rather then be gay........ I believe Zach to be in real danger and I wish I had a better way to help him. You can go here to learn more:
http://cockamamieideasinc.blogspot.com/2005/06/love-inaction.html

and here:
http://cockamamieideasinc.blogspot.com/2005/06/jumping-jesus-on-pogo-stick.html

or here:
http://groups.myspace.com/freezach

The passing of Joe

2005-06-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

It is very sad that yesterday we had put to sleep our cat Joe. Joe extremly unmangable and with my currant state of health we were no longer able to care for him. But it is my husband that wrote the Euology for him:

early in the AM:

My wife and I took our cat, Joe, to be euthanized today. He was 7. It was especially painful because there was nothing physically wrong with him. He had become aggressive to the point that we could no longer keep him in our home, and we could not find a suitable home for him. We had him on Prozac a while back, but with my wife's illness it had become impossible for her to wrestle him to the ground and give him the pills. I was never able to give him the pills. My wife has worked with animals professionally for years, and she says she had never encountered a cat less domesticated than Joe. He was hard to handle and very big and strong.

Over the last three to six months, he had grown increasingly more aggressive and territorial, and pretty badly beat up our other cats. The sad part is that the conflicts would normally begin as play and escalate out of control. Joe always showed signs of wanting to be part of the family. It just seemed that his instincts would get the better of him. He only wanted to be touched when he was in one of "his" areas. At those times, he was extremely affectionate. He loved to have his chin rubbed and his cheek scratched. When we had him on the drugs, he was easier to handle but was zoned out to the point of being unrecognizable and barely there. I've known mentally ill people who had been vibrant be reduced to doing the Thorazine shuffle, and that seemed a pointless and cruel thing to do to a life form who didn't have the capacity to know what was happening to him or why it was happening.

One of my wife's co-workers was bowling in Northeast Philadelphia one night in May 1998 when someone in the league came in with a litter of kittens that had been found behind the building. They were thought to be about 2 weeks old. My wife's co-worker took one, a boy, and bottle fed him. At this point my wife, a life long cat lover, had gotten me to say "yes" to getting a kitten to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. I thought that getting a bottle fed kitten was a bit out of our ability to deal with, but agreed that we would take him when he became able to eat wet food.

I was on a graveyard shift job, and my wife picked me up from work and told me that her friend had brought the kitten over that morning. She was slightly afraid to leave him unattended, but my job was close by and she was only gone for about 20 minutes. She said that I had to be careful walking in the door not to step on him, and to be prepared for how tiny he was.

We open the door, and this tiny little thing, maybe triple the size of an average mouse, had managed to climb on top of our couch (a BIG climb for this little guy) and was smiling and looking quite triumphant and proud. It was clear there and then that this guy needed a MAN'S name, something befitting his dignity! Mittens or Fluffy was not going to cut it for this hard core mighty beast. He needed a name with stature, testes, and butt kicking authority. That name was Joe!!!

It was immediately apparent that Joe was going to be on the rough side. He wasn't really big on being touched, but he loved to chase around this feather toy. He quickly figured out that the stick operated the string and started going for that. This was to become a motif that carried on throughout his life. He was very smart, and quickly figured things out. I cherish the memory of the night when we had him for about two months that he climbed on my chest and hung out with me and fell asleep, because I knew that wasn't going to happen a lot with him.

Right before we brought home another kitten (with whom Joe never got along) when Joe was about five months old, we were having problems with him biting. He was becoming quite strong and never got much more domesticated than a racoon, but he had a deeply affectionate side. He loved the bathroom, and picked, of all times, when I was seated on the toilet to come climb on my leg and rub his face up against mine. He did this for the remainder of his life. He lived in a total of five places and in each of them the bathroom was his territory. As much as I wanted to occasionally take a dump in peace, I am going to miss that greatly.

We got a third kitten after we moved to California. Joe was born in Philadelphia and had lived in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and California. This kitten was (and is) an incredibly affectionate girl cat who took an immediate liking to Joe. She would come up and just plop down on him and rub her face all over him and give him a bath. One of the sad things that happened over time is that she eventually gave up on trying to be Joe's friend as he got more aggressive. Our remaining cats love each other and are pretty much a team. I just wish that Joe could have been a part of that. It seemed like he wanted to be but was instinctually incapable of socialization. It always seemed to come down to a fight or separation.

This turned out to be a really bad thing, because when he wanted to be let into a closed room by himself, he would start a fight with the other boy cat, whom he was much bigger and stronger than. He seemed to know that this would get our attention, and he would get his way just so the other cat wouldn't get beat up. Joe was very much top cat and the other boy very much bottom of the three. Even when he didn't start it, he certainly finished it.

I haven't slept a full uninteruppted eight hours in a year. He would wake me up two to four times a night wanting various things or to be let in and out of certain rooms. We had other behavioral issues where we couldn't just let the cats have the run of the house. We couldn't put them together in a room because Joe would beat everyone else up.

Joe had a history of biting throughout his life, so finding him a suitable home was impossible. We would have been OK with three cats in the place we lived in if there were no issues, but with Joe there was no place to put him to get any sleep and to deal with his aggression.

After all this, I still loved him and found it very hard to let him go. We tried drugs, segregation and separation into territories, a "feline behavioralist", food and water in more and varied places (this was unfortunately not possible to do with the litter due to the way the place is set up), and hope. Mainly hope that he would mellow with age. The opposite ended up happening, and he became more aggressive, while paradoxically becoming somewhat more affectionate.

I had posted about this a couple of months on a forum I frequent when it became clear that we were reaching the end of our rope with him. Many people offered words of encouragement.

My wife had become too weak through illness over the last couple of years to fight him over pills anymore and, frankly, my attempts to give any cats pills, whether Joe or one of our other, far far more compliant cats, have been somewhere between disasterous and comical. I can't stress enough just how violent and agitated Joe became when you tried to give him a pill, trim his claws, or do anything that involved having bodily control over him. It was like having a wild animal in the house with far greater strength than the average domestic cat and attempting to corner him.

My wife and I are both off this week, so we decided it was probably the best time to let him go. I had known for quite some time that this needed to happen for the good of all involved. No matter what we did, Joe was just never entirely OK, from the time he was a kitten. My wife pointed out that a dog with similar behavior problems would have been put down long ago.

I guess this made it a little easier. I felt that I had been entrusted with a life, a troubled creature but one with a deeply loving soul, and that I had failed him. Maybe if I had stuck it out one more day, or one more month, things would have turned around and he would have mellowed out and not been so disruptive.

There it is right there. I'm feeling like I bagged on one of the best friends I've ever had because he was "disruptive". Many people with far more experience with cats than I have said it was the right thing, including the vet. But a huge part of me still feels like I failed him.

On the way to the vet, he was freaking out like he always did when caged. Thankfully, they gave us some time alone in a room with him to let him relax a bit. Joe was a good guy and did not deserve to spend his final moments in terror. They came in, took the top off the cage to get access to him without having their faces torn off, and gave him a tranquilizer. He slowly drifted off. I was rubbing his chin and scratching his cheek, letting him know that he was a good boy and that it was OK. After about 15 minutes, the vet came in and gave him the final shot, and it was over.

I was totally unprepared for the level of grief I am experiencing. As I type this, 13 hours have elapsed since Joe passed and I am a crying mess for the fifth or sixth time today. Several of the humans closest to me have passed away in the last 22 years (both parents within a year and several close friends who left far too soon) and I have spent hours at those points trying to cry and having nothing happen. With Brother Joe, this hasn't been an issue. I am getting 30 minute waves of intense emotion every couple of hours, after the initial two hours of being a non-functional crying mess. We spent most of the day out after that first couple of hours, and when we came home tonight, it felt incredibly empty, even with two cats who love us and were happy we were home. I'm sure that will pass, as these cats are our family and give us a great deal of love. But there is a big hole right now.

Tomorrow (or today at this point) we plan to take the opportunity to go through our photographs and celebrate the good times we had with Joe. We got a nice box to put photos in a while back and we will finally take them out of the envelopes and put them in the box, while listening to music and celebrating Joe's life. For all the problems we had, Joe brought a great deal of joy into our lives, and I'm better for having known him.

I love you Joe!!!!! You are a good boy!!! Please find me when I pass from this life into the next!!!! I'd be honored to spend part of the next life with you as I have been honored to know and love you in this one!!!!

Sanity... finally and spiders

2005-06-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

ok how long was it that time... 12 days of hell I count. Because finally yesterday I started to feel better. 12 days where J. had to fear everything was gonna go to hell fast. 12 days where for me there was no sunshine there was no love there was nothing... I'm not saying it wasn't there but it wasn't getting thru'. I swear I hang on by my bleeding fingernails. Yes the job thing.... well now that I said to them fine if you donna want me I will go they are saying oh wait a min' we want you to stay. I don't want to, because my gut tells me this is not a good idea, but the reality is that I'm gonna have to just wait it out. If things get where I think they are gonna go then I will be fired or offered somekind of package and either way it will probably be better....not that I don't hate that but..... every month that I streach it out is another month that J. gets towards that education. And I have to do that... I have to streach it out like that. But I'm feeling much better about it then I was before. So it's all good.

I have for the past two days been getting bumps all over.... itchy red bumps not like a rash (not chicken pox either!). Everyone who sees it seems to think spider bit.... so now I'm really trying not to freak out but I am. Everyone that knows me knows what a bug freak I am. I hate them... if there is a Saten he is a big freaking BUG. Donna care about all that nature stuff... nature is fine outside not in my house. Gaaaaaakkkk bugs. AND it must be like a ton of baby ones because I must have like 40 bites all over my freaking body... and no it isn't fleas I checked the cats this morning.... could be chiggers but the californians that I've talked to donna think they know what chiggers are besides then why aren't the biting my hubby? IT must be G*ds way of teasing me because I'm debating Naamen the ex leper about the whole idea of the Trinty..... which I know is totally pointless but I still like doing it.

WHY why why

2005-06-05T17:22:00.000-07:00

Whine starts now...

I want more drugs I want more drugs I want them now. I want them I want them I want them now. I'm tired of being anxious and upset I'm tired of the self doubt I'm tired of feeling this crawling under my skin on and off. I want I want I want! This S**Ks eggs. I want my drugs. And they better never give them to me again.... NEVER... I can't keep doing this I just can't. I donna have it in me to want like this again and again and again. I hate this life I hate this world I hate those that have done this I hate myself for doing it. I hate being alone I hate being with someone I hate it all. I will not do this again I had better be well I had better never need it again... I still hurt ... I still don't feel right I still donno if it is the drugs wanting needing or if I'm sick with something else. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I know that it takes time

2005-06-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

I know that this depression I feel is only a passing thing. I know that I have a sprite that bounces high and low but it bounces. I know that when you've been on the hard core drugs and had all these health problems that it is perfectly normal to be depressed. ALL of that means nothing to me. I just feel the weight. I want the drugs. I want to stop being depressed. I want to feel ok again and I want it now. I know that I cannot possible find another job with this black cloud hanging over me... I always show on my face excatly how I feel. I know that I am not alone... yet of course the depression weighs upon me and I feel very alone indeed. I hate these times in my life. I swear I hate the lie that the depression tells me, about how ugly and horrible I am and how worthless I am. I hate how it makes the fear in my belly burn and the lethargic sleep take me. I know that it is only temporary. I know that I will not stay here for long.... but it is sooo long... it's already been more then a couple of weeks. Damnit... I was depressed without the job thing but that has made it all so much worse.

Out of my cold dead hands

2005-06-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

I swear.... G*d must bang my head against the stone to make me let go of something. No to say I donna leave of my own accord often enough. So many people say to me to try and stay, to learn to work in a hard place, to not have to be friends with everyone...... but I just donna think that is my way. I need what I need. Yesterday it became even more clear, I swear I could hear as clear as crystal ... "you only have a month.... if you donna find a way out by then things are gonna get bad fast." Now I'm never one to lay the blame on someone else's head.... I surely played my part in the drama that is here. But I'm not one to know how to fix things.... and as I've said to others .... this a job to me... it is not my family, it is not my life calling, it is a job that I enjoy usually but still it's purpose is to make enough money to get by. I donna want to fight for it, I don't think a job should be that way. I want to come in and do a great job and then go home. I don't like money enough to give it my soul and I'm not educated enough that the giving of it would make a startling difference (although I like to think that my work plays a small part in making people's lives better). And for better or worse I'm bone tired, I've been doing this job for 7+ years now...5+ at the same co. and I know that for some that would not be alot and perhaps if for the last two I had not been so sick it would not be so bad for me, but it is and I'm bone tired deep. Still, at one time I loved this co., and there are days where I'm so proud of it I burst, so the giving up of it is hard hard. But it must be done. It is more like a gea then wanting. I must not be too scared that I donna move. I must, I must just go and move onwards. We have made it thru' before and the otherside was never too bad. We will get J. thru' school too. With only a year to go.... somehow I will make the money stretch out.

Detox....... of ice and fire

2005-05-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the worst of the detox's that I have yet to go thru' I hope and pray it is the last. It matters not if the drugs you are addicted to come from need and a doctor or need and the street. It is the same. It occurred to me that I should write here about it. That some of you that read are mother and fathers that you have spouses, one day you may need to know. I preface this with I'm not a doctor, if you think that you are dealing with a serious detox then get to a hospital, especially if it is dealing with both alcohol and drugs combined, because it can/has lead to heart failure in some people. I, however, have always detoxed myself..... well sort of myself not without the help of the good people I know and a solid belief that there is a higher power. So what to do? What to expect? if you should have to do this? First off you can't do it unless the person is willing to do it. Second about half way thru' they won't want to do it anymore. For me, it is like having a very very bad flu. My bones ache and there is chill then fever then chill, I spasm and shake, and I hate... ooo do I hate I hate everything. I twitch violently on and off. I feel nausea and sick and then hungry a little bit. The first 24 hrs are the worst for me with the worst of it starting at about hr 10 or so. I taste it in my mouth the wanting, every cell craving. There is nothing you can do, but there are a few things that will only help a bit..... one is loose comfortable cotton cloths and a couple of changes of these, soap that doesn't smell very strong, sweet stuff (ice cream, cookies, hard candy), and cigarettes. I know the last one, might bring some of you to despair, but I think of it like this smoking you often can have another day to stop opiate use will kill you quick. Nicotine is a drug and it does have some useful side effects of calming and nausea relief, it is not for everyone but for me it takes the edge off. Most of all be ready for the hate tho' the person you are dealing with is very very uncomfortable and nothing you do will be right and if it is you that is doing it then remember to try and keep your mouth shut... these people love you or they wouldn't put up with your BS.

Strength returning

2005-05-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

I suppose it is only when everything is completely out of your hands that you finally give up and let a high power come in. Perhaps one of the lessons of having a hard time is so that we can be amazed by the power of a higher power. I have over the past few months.... um years now..... struggling with my higher power and sharing it with no one. No one at all.

I donno what I would have done had I not stumbled upon the pro-life site...... why? Because I disagreed with them enough to think. Forcing me to even in my haze to try and sound somewhat sensible ( tho' they might at times disagree). Yet open enough to see...... to be surprised that what I once took as their hate, was actually urgency and love. And while I disagree with some of what they do and some of what they want I see that the there is far far more that we can agree on. This eye opening thing is not human...... we are both strong sides here...... we all like to be totally right..... I found myself hearing many ways that we could come together. Never probably completely..... but that abortions should be rare (by choice), that they should safe when they do happen, that all possible side effect should be talked about, other avenues discussed, and that signs of abuse and pressure should be one of the main focuses of any facility that performs these types of operations, this is good. It could really help people. At the same time shoring up our adoptions laws so that children stay in the homes that they consider home and are not ripped into tiny emotional pieces. Figuring something.... and I sure donno what to do about our foster care system is something that we need to do as well. BUT it is a sure thing that the politicians do not want us to do..... I mean if we are sitting around just bickering about life and death we sure aren't making change and they love status quo.

On wards....... anyways this past week I almost lost my job. I was sick and have been sick almost 6 months and on heavy drugs of one type or another for 3 wks straight (and on and off for months and months). I thought heavily about not being here anymore. I just felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. I was so depressed and unhappy. Although I will say my hubby was doing his best to get me to hang on. I probably would not have survived without him. He is an incredible source of strength for me. But he is not a higher power. Sunday my co. went on a retreat.... and I had to room with an old boss of mine that I have always liked. It was almost like G*d knew I was breaking and sent her in. She kept talking to me about having faith and trusting that whatever happened was going happen and somehow it was gonna work out the way it was suppose to. She prayed a lot. Monday night I hurt and hurt a lot. I wasn't sure yet but I thought I might be passing that horrible piece of stone. Tuesday I hurt and hurt. In the mean time my old boss started pulling strings..... I donno how she does it.... I donna want to know. By Weds. the last half day of the retreat I'm beginning to feel better. Thurs. the talks from my currant bosses have changed.... ummm they were wrong I was right would I please just forget about the whole thing??? LOL I kid you not. Thurs. night the X-rays are in and the stone is gone.... the pain I'm left with should be gone in the next couple of days ... start stepping down on the meds. Friday I get all the messages of prayers from all my good hearted friends .... which I swear .... I felt all this week even tho' they only started on Fri. (but you know G*d knows stuff so I think he may have just forwarded those back in time.... I mean he is G*d so he can do that stuff). Well so, I still have to detox.... I hate this part of things......... but I'm feeling pretty good about it. I will probably still look for another job because ummm in my experience bosses do not like being told they are wrong much less having to say to me they are wrong so I won't probably stick around too long (besides G*d wants me someplace else and I'm not waiting around again for him to make things urgent oh no I will just mosey onwards and find out where I'm suppose to be) but at less OMG things are gonna fall apart. And surprisingly I'm beginning to feel that I should be trusting what G*d or a higher power wants......even tho' I donna understand why his plan can't include me winning the lotto (er I never play) and becoming fabulous rich. Perhaps all the hard times are so that you can make your way back to having some hope/faith in something or atleast have the opportunity to believe in something. Someone once said to me that you only see miracles if you want to.