Sobbing crying mess

Yes that is what I am. I USE to be someone that people said I reminded them of some Viking Warrior........... well I bet I don't any more as I hystarically cry at every single thing. Even the cats are tired of it........ Well pain stole from me two hours of good fun with my husbad as I had to send him on chorse all by himself. He was not happy tho he did understand as well as he could. Today I played the I am not in pain game until it was shooting bolts of lighting up and down my ribs and scar area...... It was unbearable and in the end I was yelling at him "GO AWAY LEAVE ME ALONE" like a crazy bear. Of course the minut I get everyone to leave I want everyone right back and have no idea WHY they would be upset with me........ ah well....... Not every day is a good pain mangement day. I .......... everytime I go a few days of good pain mangement I wonder if the pain is real as it IS in the background..... everytime it is a bad day I wonder how deeply messed up I am inside.

So I am asked

Grannygrump ask

"Is there no experimental group to help with the pain?"

I know I could stick with the short answer but it's my blog I can do what I want, and GG is always so good nature I am sure she will not mind.

Yes GG and No. See short! LOL ok ok for the real answer.

I am going to join a group GG in Feb. that is going to help with the "pain" er sort of. It is a movement and physiological group. I am not sure that it's goals a line with mine. It seems to be geared towards detox and return you to work....... Which I want very badly......... but I am not sure of that is actually what I can do. Never the less I plan on participation as much as possible.

As for there being an experimental pain clinic that trys all the lastest and greatest new stuff out. Ummmm not for my kind of pain. See I have a physcal reason root for my pain so they keep tell me, so it isn't like many other chronic pain conditions. I wish I could remember all the gobbly gook words they tell me. But the bottom line is that I am a minority with in a minority, I am not rare but not often. And they do have a solution....... don't have any more surgeries on your stomach muscles....... and they do have better meds for some people but they contain sulfa so I can't take them. They had a great one called Voixx but once again the USA gov. decided that I couldn't choose between my pain and the chance of a heartattack/stroke........ Of course BC has at least the SAME amount of danger but not getting preg. is more important. And there IS a great pain reliever for this kind of pain that is not an opiate....... it is called POT....... but once again the USA gov. think I am better addicted to opiates and they have done such a good job at sliming POT that my spouse and my mother think I am better off on opiates too. OOO right I am not "addicted" what is the code phrase this year "physcailly necessary" maybe I donno I tried to look it up but no luck. Doesn't matter it taste like addiction for darn sure. ...... well so er {blush} umm I have no idea where I was taking this tirade I forget..... so sorry cat wanted on my lap and I got some coffee and now it is all a blank.


Any way I open the floor please ask questions I will do my best tho I may have to ask my doctors (which is GREAT) . My current regime is a psychologist/pyschratist , physcal therapist, and a MD/DO, but I don't always see each one every week it is actually pretty hap hazard. I hate the physiologist but she is like 12 and oooo so hopeful that everything will turn out just fine {rolls eyes} but youth is like that and she can do no harm unlike the others, the physcal therapist is a worrier and I think she would have me off everything and running a mile a day if she could (I like her), and my MD/DO is ..... well she seems very knowledgeable if not sometimes confusing I am very very afraid of doctors right now so not all of my feelings towards her are justified. It is a bad pain day......... but they all are these days......... I swear if I could just go digging inside myself I could take out what hurts (yes that is crazy talk I know and I am not gonna do that) so please asks something if just to distract me for a moment...... don't be shy, religion, politc's, health, personal crap, ANYTHING ....... it would be a mitisva

My Day

1.) Get up somewhere between 5-9am sometimes even as early as 4:30 or as late as 10 but rarely. Feel the pain...... decide to take my meds before I ripe my skin to shreads trying to take out that which is hurting me.
2) Make the coffee and read blogs. Think about if I should kill myself before J. wakes up and decide not to. (and you thought that what you write in your blogs met nothing HA)
3) Go game for a bit
4) Figure out if I need to go see someone or do something. Usually I do not. Make lunch not becuase am hungry but because I am feeling nausa and I know that is because I am hungry.
5) Make what phone calls I have to make to doctors, work, family etc. Try very hard not to cry hystariclly into the phone as the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness overwhelm me.
6) Start playing the game of how long can I hold out before I need to take more opaites. Usually a fast loss game but it seems to be irrisestable.
7) Go back to gaming and try and make a plan to go to the gym.
8) Unless my husband con't to prod me to go to the gym decide not to go.
10)I might take a breif nape of which horrible dreaming occurs several of which I cannot tell the diffrence between the dream and reality which scares me.
11) Do more gaming
12) check the blogs and my emails one more time responding to stuff.
13) fall asleep soundly wondering if I will wake up to do it all again of which the answer so far has been yes.

I HATE them ALL

Well I do. Dr. C. says that I had a great reaction and that she is very pleased by the result now she can do XYZ and hopefully fix it up. BUT she doesn't understand why I am upset and why I am talking about taking more meds and WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I really really hate doctors. No wonder when it comes to other political crap I would rather just quit and be left alone. I just feel so overwhelmed by this medical crap...... I just feel sometimes like I can't do anything. She is driving me nuts and I hurt all the time.

Well that didn't last long

It didn't even last out the day. No I donna want to talk about it. Leave me alone.

Better....... wow a LOT better........

Ok ok it is morning and J. isn't awake yet so I havn't told anyone except for I
I would tell call everyone and sing a larg song of wonder and joy but I am afraid of jinxing it. SO what happen we get to the doctors with our LONG LONG list of questions ... after all once we got you we are gonna pour out every ounce of worry and doubt upon you. She put me on a vegatable based laxtive (I just KNEW you wanted to know) and talked about some other laxetive but I think I am gonna tell her that if the veggie one doesn't work I donna really want the side effects from the other ones. And we said what happens when this goes out again? and she said I don't know..... honset of her ... not very comforting but ok. Then it was time and J. BOOKED out of the room like lighting. I took off my shirt laied on a table and the needle that was as BIG as G*d's hand came down and it HURT ALOT and then it was numb. And me and her went and talked some more because she DIDN'T look at my records and THOUGHT she could just perscribe me any old antinflamatory........ and I started to say no I couldn't take that and no I couldn't take this

Things I cannot take:
Ibprofren in any shape or form
Asprin
Naprixion in any shape or form
Sulfa or sulfates

Most of those are from the Gastric Bypass....... and when your ARE thinking about the surgery here is what that means .... ANY and ALL drugs that might help things like Arthritis or BONE pain at all you cannot take. Tho' some of you will be able to talk the sulfa's that I cannot of course those have a higher risk of heartattck and stroke. OH and one more thing... NO oral steroids NONE. Because after a Gastric Bypass you are at higer risk for stomach ulcars.... so you cannot take these things....... yes in an emergency if you were given them you wouldn't die but nothing on a reglur bases. Excpet for the sufla/sufates which I am just extremly allergic to which in all honsety should have been a red flag for the gastric bypass people and they should have told me NO....... but they want the money so they don't follow their job. No I have opiates...... which don't TOUCH bone pain which is why even tho' I have been stoned off my ass I have still been in pain. So she starts to freak out.......... she has nothing to prescribe me, there is nothing she can do except do more and more blocks and up when we are gonna do the zyphoid manpulations. Because see.......... the block is a steroid and I can HAVE them injected (it bypasses the stomach wall) but there are HUGE problems with long term steriod use...... as I am sure you know. So I am faceing a monster......... and I maybe faceing MORE opaite use not less tho' she saw how stoned I was and was very against giving me more. Last night I felt bad....... I maybe having an allgeric reaction because it felt like my musle was swelling and I couldn't breath right...... I was alittle worried but it was not feeling as bad as it sounds when I write it.

BUT BUT BUT I WOKE UP TODAY IN NO PAIN>>>>>>>>>>>>> NO PAIN>>>>>>>> NONE>>>>>> NONE AT ALL>>>>>> I PUT OFF TAKING MY MEDS JUST TO MAKE SURE AND THERE WAS NO PAIN (tho I took them before I started detoxing because I am NOT stupid).

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

They are doing the block today! Not in a few weeks but like in a few hours! I know I know the pain is bad and drugs are not working for it...... I know I need this....... BUT TODAY!!!!!?????? They just called..... I said yes.... I mean what else is there to say? Obviously she got a chunk of time and heard what I had to say to doctor Lee (man incharge of percription meds). O G*d........... only my hubby here too.... usually when I know that they are gonna hurt me I get my aunt to come because my spouse gets near throwing up when he sees me hurt (seriously he hurls) but she is in Hawaii so I donna think she is gonna make it back in time. @#$#@@$##@@$#@! I know I hurt....... I know this is gonna be better once it is done....... I know that ........... man can't one of you come to the doctors with me? PLZ??? just hop on a little plane and we are right by the airport. I am not panicing ........ I am NOT panicing.......... I am fine .... just fine......... %$#@@#$%!

Am I only Dreaming? ooo Ziggy is here where is the band?

Yesterday was another doctors visit........ this was to prep me for the upcoming Intensive treatement and movement classes. It was a lot harder then it sounds....... because in many ways I have retreated to my teenage self in my actions and manpulations. I don't mean too...... I really don't....... that is an ugly part of me that I wish would just take a hike. So first thimg was I threw a bloody tantrum because they need someone to come in and take a class from 3-5 on friday night........ J. works on Friday and we need the money if no one can come in for me then I can't come to the class. I don't have a single person I feel close enough to ask to do that for me........ first of all it is all the way in SF which this class is in the middle of rush hr. with the amount of bridges that are in the bay area rush hr has a new meaning.......... it is not unusal for rush hr. to make somone who might live 10mls away be about 1-2 hr drive. Much less my family WHO ALL HAVE JOBS take the trip from 50mls away. It seemed insermountable...... I start to cry-sniffle and say what was the pt in me coming here? how dare they get my hopes up? At the time I swear the world was coming to an end and it was ALL THEIR FAULT! .......... I am so so so embarssed. I donno how we are gonna fix this problem yet but they started outlining other ways they have done it before....... one of them swore that we are gonna find away for me to go to this thing. Ok I guess seeing a grown woman (of which I am I assure you) discomboulate might just might make you suggest that a full pych work up is in order......... heheheheh actually it was the other way around she suggested the work up long before I started to freak.... however after I freaked she was booking upstairs to talk to mister MD. I told her tho' I am not really for any meds...... I mean I might try it but not really for it....... I like my depression just fine I know how it works I get thru it and I don't get any funny side effects. Two more things that I am not sure about with this program is that they want me to stop coffee....... now I donna drink coffee because of the caffeine I drink it so I can poo..... I have tried all the drugs that they sell for it and while I pulled large chunks of poo out my ass with all the blood from the HUGE HORSE LIKE POO trying to come out I just don't care I will drink my coffee and go poo every day. But no..... they want to try their drugs......... caffiene is working for me but they got something better................ why????? Apparently we are gonna have a go at this one I need them to prove to me that coffee has anything at all to do with pain and nerve endings. I am not just giving it up and taking their drugs for the say so of it....... sticking my own hand up my ass was bad enough having their hands up my ass (you know I am feeling very south parkish). The last thing that I am hesitant on is the switching my Oxycodine from a pill to a liquid....... they are doing this to tritate it down........ I understand that not against that part of it...... I am against the little voice in my head that is saying "WHEEEEEEE liquid drugs are gonnna feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOO good". See I know how much I am gonna like that bit of pow. That scares me. It feels all the more closer to the street drugs. I know that it is under a doctors care, I do understand that, but I also know how much I love the high. Even after the retching I want it. Even now with just the pills I have to remind myself........... I mean I am in a heck of a lot of pain, but I am no immune to the call of it. I feel like a teen again....... out of control of my own life, nothing turn out the way anyone said it would, lots of work that I don't like to do but I have to do it, and the whole time feeling like if I don't take the right steps I am gonna fall into some deep abyss that no one will be able to save me from. I want to be a cat next time around, a big fat hair house cat.

Hurt and Hope

Today I went in for my eval. of my pain and my progress and all that. I am tired.... and I hurt ALOT from the poking and proding. BUT they are still thinking that MAYBE I will get back to work. They seemed very positive. They are in rolling me in an intensive group that will focus on movement and pain mangement. They also want to see if I am ready to start driving again.... beware all drivers in the bay area. :)

On an unpleseant note..... I had been feeling a new pain and it was pretty bad, it seems as tho my zyphoid process is dislocated by the pulling down on my diphram from the scar tissue in my abdomen. That will require a block. Which apparently is a needle full of litocane in the right place and deep breathing to try and snape it back into place. Er..... ok....... well that sound entirely nasty. Definantly gonna look that up and see if there are some other ways of healing that.

They think I might be ready to go back to work in March. I am less optomistic........ but I will see.